The Sahara Desert Twitter FAQ
WTF is this Twitter malarky?!
You know the status update part of Facebook? To put it bluntly, Twitter's literally just that but without all the spammy advertising, "do you like this" thumbs up/down bollocks, applications, photo albums etc.
How do I get friends?
You don't. Not because you're a loser but because they're not called that on Twitter. Instead, you follow people whose updates you want to read, and you get followers who want to see your updates. Sounds very cult-ish but so far I've not seen Twitter catch fire like David Koresh's Waco HQ.
Jaysus, I don't want every Tom, Dick and Pervy Pete seeing my witty, intelligent updates! Twitter can go spin.
Don't be so hasty! If you have a protected account, someone may request to follow you and see your updates and you can approve or tell them where to shove their adoration as you see fit.
Well that's okay! I'm being very stalkery and am following eleventy billion other users. Is there a special name for their updates as I see them when I log in?
Yes! It's called a feed. This also appears when you click 'Home' at the top of the screen.
Like a pig trough?
No. Stop being stupid.
Sorry. Are there any other names I should know?
If you like. Voila! One vocabulary.
An update is a tweet
A common form of addressing your followers in a tweet is to call them Tweeple
You can see how someone you're following made a tweet: under their text it will say "8 [or whenever] minutes ago from" followed by the method they used:
web (updated on Twitter itself)
TweetDeck (a download designed for tweeting)
Tweetr (a download designed for tweeting) - you can see more downloads here http://twitter.com/downloads
txt (sending a text to your account)
I want to reply to someone's tweet because I have a clever insight to impart. How can I make sure they see it?
Start your tweet off with @ followed by their username ie: @twitterperson (that's a made-up user by the way) then write your message. A quick way of doing this is to click on the little grey arrow which appears when you move your cursor over a tweet. However, this does not guarantee the other person will see your tweet - you also have to rely on them checking their @ replies.
How do I check any @ replies I might have?
Click on the @[your username] link on the right hand side of your screen.
I want to bitch about all but one of my followers but I want to keep it private. Help!
Click into Direct Messages, select the follower you wish to message from the drop-down box, then write your message in the box.
I've seen a lot of people following someone pretending to be Stephen Fry. It's an imposter, right?
No, it's really, really Mister Fry of QI, Blackadder and Jeeves & Wooster fame.
Why does everyone but me follow Stephen Fry?
Because he's erudite, funny, intelligent, technologically savvy, and because we can't think for ourselves.
So are there any other 'tweeple' who have waltzed with Lady Fame?
Yes. This site is handy if you want to go into stalker mode: http://celebsthattwitter.com/The_List.html
I found the funniest website ever, and I want to tell my followers about it, but Twitter only lets me have 140 characters per tweet. This is frustrating, to say the least.
At first, yes, but happily Twitter will automatically reduce the url (the website address) when you click send, and convert it into a shortened url, which, when clicked, will direct the reader to the site you want to show them.
Can I reduce urls myself without relying on Twitter?
Yes. I use Tiny URL: http://www.tiny.cc/ . Follow the instructions on the page, it's very easy.
How can I change the colour of my home page?
Click on Settings (top of page), select the Design tab and go mental.
Some tweeple's pages have designs which aren't in Twitter's range of themes. Tell me I'm not going mad, please!
You're not. Yet. They've got more time than sense and have worked hard at their layouts. You can follow suit should you wish to become a social hermit. On the design tab, scroll down and click Change background image (where you can upload your own purdy picture) and/or Change design colours (where you can change the colours (like what it says in a Cuprinol kinda way)).
Screw that for a game of monkeys, I'm a social butterfly don'tchaknow. Learn me something else, please!
Alright, you impatient sod. From the Settings page you can also update your Account details (email address, username etc), Password (no explanation needed), Devices (so you can tweet by text), Notices (what emails you receive from Twitter), Picture (small square image that appears next to your tweets) and Connections (users who you've allowed to access your account).
I keep seeing the hash symbol in tweeple's tweets. What's that all about?
It's called a Hashtag. They are explained here: http://hashtags.org/ . To put it bluntly, if you are tweeting something you want to get a wider audience than just your followers. Precede a pertinent word in your tweet, such as in a tweet about shit tennis players at the popular annual tournament, #wimbledon, ie: "That Andy Murray's a Brit when he's winning and a Scot when he's a lanky waste of space #wimbledon". That would get more attention than tweeting exactly the same but hashtagging the word 'when'.
Can I see the most popular hashtags?
Yes. On the right of your homepage is Trending Topics. The list shows the most popular topics, and a lot of them are hashtags.
I heard about Twitter a lot in the recent news coverage following the democratic* election in Iran. What happened?
Due to the 'freedom of speech' Iranians have, the demonstrations were apparently organised a lot using Twitter.
Did Twitter blow up?
Not quite. During times of intense media focus (like the Iranian election and the death of Michael Jackson), websites such as Google, Reuters news agency, BBC etc, as well as Twitter have a lot of extra users (or 'traffic') which puts strain on their servers. This causes them to slow down or crash. That presumably prompts the suits to soil their undergarments and IT monkeys to perform their interpretation of the last minutes of a decapitated chicken.
What other websites are there which might be handy in my tweeting adventures?
Each time you refresh your home page on Twitter, on the right hand side (beneath your name, followers, following and updates) is a white box which links to Twitter-related websites. Here are some as well.
http://wefollow.com/
http://www.twellow.com/
http://beta.twittervision.com/
http://blip.fm/
http://www.twittertitters.com/
http://buzz.trazzler.com/
Wow. I feel like I could waste days on Twitter now! Thanks!
Join the club.
*democratic my arse.
This guide was bought to you by the letters Q, Z and the number twelvety.
hehehe twelvety
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