Wednesday 26 May 2010

I love a good joke, me

Four men sat in a pub philosophising about what the fastest thing is. First man says "the fastest thing is a thought because it enters your head without warning."

Second man says "no the fastest thing is a blink because a blink's a reflex and you don't even think about it."

Third man says "no the fastest thing is light. Look at Star Trek and all those sci fi shows for proof."

The fourth man says "you're all wrong, the fastest thing is diaorrhea because last night before I could think blink or turn on the light I'd shat myself." 

Friday 21 May 2010

Badgers again

Alive this time though.


Heard a report on the radio this morning about this story: http://www.rnli.org.uk/rnli_near_you/news/news_detail?articleid=551761&categoryid= on how a badger got stranded at low tide in Cornwall.


Hurray for the RNLI and mental badgers. Bless.

Tuesday 11 May 2010

I need to get out more

This is a true story, so names have been changed to protect the identity of my oldest friend.

Once upon a time, Jane and I were heading to the beach for a day of fun in the sun. During the long journey, their car passed a badger which had sadly gone the way of all flesh presumably at the wheels of a motorised vehicle of some kind. Said deceased omnivore was lying at the side of the road, and in a fit of morbid, disgusting behaviour, Jane and I found the animal's passing to be of humourous occurance. Verily they did laugh, losing approximately a year's worth of karmic brownie points in the process.

Suddenly, Jane, at the wheel of their car and therefore should've been demonstrating more road sense, leaned towards the steering wheel, bent both her arms at the elbow outwards and emitted an audible grunting noise. This, she claimed, was her impression of a dead badger. I, being an easily amused type, found this incredibly funny and proceeded to vocalise her mirth with a trademark cackling laugh, interspersed with high-pitched shrieks. This laugh has the unfortunate side-effect of being infectious and it set Jane off laughing too. For a good ten minutes more in the journey, the pair did laugh so, before the muscular contractions such laughing caused pain and aches they had to stop.

Ever since that fateful day, each time either Jane or I saw a dead badger, or were informed of a badger's passing by a friend or relative who had heard of this 'joke', the other would communicate the find to the other at which point more laughter would ensue.

Epilogue: Jane is since married and yet her beloved husband cannot get his head around the concept of his cherished wife and her childhood friend's 'joke'. Things got worse for the poor husband when I purchased a stuffed toy badger and adoption pack for an injured badger rescue centre for Jane as a present a few years ago. Also, my mother has been subject to the hysterics the sight of a deceased mammal that affects her youngest offspring: mother and daughter were returning home as my car passed the late furry woodland creature and I laughed so much my mother had to tell me off so's to concentrate on driving sensibly.

Alas, poor Jane and I are lavished with odd looks and dispairing shakes of people's heads whenever the pair are together and the subject of the monochrome quadrupeds is brought up.

You had to be there, really.

Sahara Desert's Take on Slap

Ages ago I was asked by a friend my opinion on make up and the application thereof. It seems a waste to let this fester in my archived emails. Some of the links might be out of date, and manufacturers mentioned may have changed the names of the products but details were correct when I wrote it! I'm innocent, guv'nor!

Skin
I've stopped using foundation as I've found I need a combination of 'treatments' for different areas of my skin. Instead, I use Estée Lauder Skin Refinisher
followed by Garnier Pure Long Lasting Shine Control Moisturiser http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?storeId=10052&productId=1359&callingViewName=&langId=-1&catalogId=11051 .

Just because I'm not a teenager doesn't mean I don't suffer with bad skin, and stopping using foundation and using these two products instead mean I can then use Bourjois' own version of the (justly) famous YSL Touche Eclat
Anticerne pour Petits Matins http://www.bourjois.co.uk/face/concealer/88
under my eyes (I can remember the day I got dark circles - it literally happened over night before I hit double figures - I thought I'd been punched and I'm now resigned to the fact that they're never going away). Both the Bourjois and the YSL concealers come with a bush applicator - twist or click the base to release a small dab of cream into the brush, apply to the required area then blend in by finger. Neither of these (or any of the other alternatives on the market, but I've used both and they're excellent) are just for dark circles either. Use as a general concealer.

On the subject of concealing, each time I've tried to use concealer on a spot or blemish has turned into a disaster. It seems to make the offending blotch stand out more than ever. Sod that. Just do this instead.

Once you've refinished, moisturised and concealed, use a pressed powder. I'm a fan of Bourjois Pastel Teint
For all in the name that is Coco, do not forget your jawline. Blend into your neck and remember to apply a little behind the ear, blending down beneath your earlobe. And believe what the magazines tell you. Test the powder in natural light. The amount of women I've seen with a clear line along their jawline between their powder and their skin is unbelievable, and it's so much more noticable if the colour does not match. Seriously girls, don't make me smack you.

Forgoing foundation also means I've done away with blush too. I always looked like Aunt Sally when I attempted it. Stuff that for a game of monkeys. Moisturiser and powder means my natural cheek colour does the job just as well, plus has the added benefit of colouring the parts of my cheeks which should me, barring a scrap in the pub car park of a Friday night. Too many cola and lemons'll do it to a girl!

However, if you're just too scared of forsaking all foundation, try this. Tinted moisturiser! OMG! No.7 have a nice one
BUT: these can be cloying so I mix it in with my regular moisturiser beforehand, and reduce the amount of each I use. I don't want to get home at the end of the day and find my face has slid off into my bra. (If you didn't follow that, it was moisturiser + anti redness followed by tinted moisturiser.)

If you still can't face the world without foundation, then I repeat my advice on matching. MATCH YOUR SKIN TONE AND BLEND OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN!

Now, foundation and tinted moisturiser users will need blush else risk looking washed out. First, find out if you're warm or cool. I bet you've seen a hundred articles over the years about your colouring. It's hard to describe but I go by what red lipstick suits me best. I'm a warm so the best red for me has golden and bronze hints in it. If you're cool then purple-based red lipstick looks best on you. If you're stuck, ask a female friend or relative whose opinion you trust. Not value. TRUST. Don't ask someone who's a yes-friend. Next step: unless you're a Scandinavian-blonde, avoid pure pinks altogether. Peaches are better, and are available in warm (golden & bronze) and cool (purplish) shades.

When purchasing, buy a brush too. I know blush comes with an applicator, but it's rubbish, no matter the brand. Remember, it's been mass produced to reduce costs. I'd go so far as to throw away the brush it comes with. Seriously. You need a brush at least 2.5cm in diameter, and not tapered at all, instead with a rounded head. Ruby and Millie and Jemima Kidd both have ranges available in Boots and in case you've been living under a rock for the last decade, Ruby and Jemima are renowned make up artists.
http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=4711&storeId=10052&productId=123972&callingViewName=&categoryId=4789&langId=-1&catalogId=11051
http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=4787&storeId=10052&productId=20765&callingViewName=&categoryId=4789&langId=-1&catalogId=11051

When applying blush, grin like a lunatic. No, I don't mean because it's a fun exercise (it might turn you on, I'm not going to judge you, you weirdo) but because grinning like a Cheshire Cat will show you where the 'apples' of your cheeks are. First. 'load' the brush with the blush then shake off (not blow) the excess powder. (Shaking will remove more particles than blowing, and it's a hell of a lot easier to build up colour than to start over again.) Position the centre of the brush over the centre of the 'apple', and swirl round in a circle just once. This prevents you going mental with the colour. Next, take your mirror to the window or the nearest to natural light you have and check you don't look like Aunt Sally. If it's not enough, repeat. Check the result in between each 'swirl' and stop when you like the result. If you're not sure, ask that friend or relative who won't lie to you.

Eyes
If you're trying eyeshadow (and eye make up in general), keep it simple. Go here
and work out which is the best colour for you. (I've got blue eyes and brown hair so use
because the blue eyes counteract the dark brown hair.) In other words, pay attention to what L'Oréal is recommending but tailor it to your own appearance - blue eyes and dark brown hair isn't the most common combination.

Ignore the brow highlighting cream (and I'll start on your eyebrows in a bit anyway) and stick to the two pressed powders to begin with. Using the sponge applicator included (these are fine!) apply the lighter shade over the upper lid up to the brow. I tend to start on the lid, and work from the middle out, but that may be because any minor mistakes I make can be hidden with my glasses. Flip the sponge over and apply the dark shade. Start at the outside, on the lid, directly above the eyelashes and blend in and up towards the middle, staying only on the lid.

For the keep it simple brigade, forget about eyeliner when making up for venturing into public. Even with a cotton bud or twenty on hand to dab at any mistakes, it shows, even with kohl. However, I would recommend practice, practice, private practice. Invest in a gentle eye make up remover, cotton buds and cotton pads as well as a brown liquid liner. Why no kohl? Because it's rubbish for upper lid lining, and lining lower lids is for when you want to look scary and/or dramatic. Wipe excess liner off the brush (that's a point I missed - buy liner with a brush applicator rather than a felt-tip pen-style applicator) and start from the outside and draw inwards. Obviously there's a little more art to this. I suggest holding the brush with the hand opposite to the eye you're lining. This means your dominant hand isn't bent back on itself when lining the eye of that side. Place the tip of the brush at the outer corner of the upper lid of the eye, parallel to the lid, above the lashes. Draw inwards, following the lash line, tapering to a point above where your thicker lashes end. The pressure you place on the brush will dictate the thickness of the line, and you will be shaky to start. Hence the gentle eye make up remover, cotton buds and cotton pads. To ease the shakes, put down the espresso martini and rest your elbows on a table, dresser or similar, when practising.

Recommendations
Bourjois Liner Pinceau http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/liner/10
Twist-up liners in a variety of colours

I probably told you before, but Bourjois cosmetics are made by the same people as Chanel cosmetics. This is a Good Thing in my books.

I once read that mascara is the only make up that can be worn on its own. I tried it and my sister extracted the urea from me. But then I only ever wear black mascara. You beginners should start on brown mascara, and if you're wearing it with liner, always match the liner to the mascara. I tend just to apply mascara to the upper lashes only. I only think I can get away with mascara on the lower set if I've kohl-lined my lower lids. That's not a regular occurance, trust me. Applying mascara in my case is a two-handed task. The hand of the eye I'm mascara-ing can do the lashes towards the middle of my eye, but not the edges, unless I wipe the stem of the applicator on my skin, and that's not an attractive option, considering I wipe excess mascara on my cheek like that. Ick. So, swap hands, point the tip of the wand towards the edge of the face and coat the outer lashes.

No matter which brand of mascara I'm using, I find that I can create a kind of false-liner effect thus: when you place the brush on your lashes at the start, gently wiggle the wand ever so slightly from side to side. Little bit of extra volume and effect. This reminds me: apply the mascara to your top lashes with your eye open, so from underneath, not eye closed, on top. This stops you accidently getting mascara on your eyeshadow. However, by all means when you've done the majority of the lashes with eye open, shut your eye, and apply a little more from the middle of the lash to the end. This keeps the wand away from your eyeshadow, but because you've already done the lashes eye-open, means you don't have to worry about missing the roots.

This next part is important, and also links back to the warning I mentioned about eyebrows. Apparently they frame a face, and even if not, they (along with tidy nails) make someone look like they care about their appearance even if there isn't a trace of make-up. How does this tie into mascara? Easy. Get an eyelash brush. For goodness sake, after you've applied your mascara, comb through your lashes before the mascara dries. Combing them after they've dried is not a good idea as the mascara sticks lashes together, the comb pulls on them, therefore your eyelid and the end result is the discomforting sound of a damp smacking sound as your eyelid thwacks back against your eyeball. Nice. Combing reduces clumps and tidies up your work. I recommend Ruby & Millie's lash comb and brow brush combo. Folds away neatly, and the mascara wand-style brow brush gives the best brow tidy-up I've ever had. I can't find the product on its own, but it's seen here
as part of a kit, and I can't comment on the curler, being a traditional lash curling girl.

Recommendations
Maybelline Great Lash http://www.maybelline.co.uk/PRODUCTS/Eyes/MASCARA/Great_Lash.aspx
Highly acclaimed and rightly so. A decent, suit-all product.
Bourjois Coup De Theatre http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/mascara/1
A false lash effect that actually works.
Bourjois Volume Glamour http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/mascara/96
See Maybelline's Great Lash, but with added oomph means nice thick lashes
Bourjois Pump Up The Volume http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/mascara/2
Frankly the best mascara I've ever tried. Thicker and longer lashes. Surprised I could still blink, really.

Please bear in mind these reviews are based on me being one of the hated few with lashes which mean I can get away mascara-less. Bwhahaha etc.

For the more colour-confident of you, my rules on colours of eyeshadow to wear are simple. Stick to the colours of your wardrobe (with in reason). For me, that means the eyeshadows I have are metallic greys, pinks and greens. I wrote 'within reason' because my wardrobe also consists of black, red and cream, and I don't fancy looking like an emo, stye-sufferer or reverse panda. I tend to wear these more colourful palettes for evenings out, and often around wintertime - this latter reason especially with the greys and greens. The pinks are a rarity for me - I feel it's a tougher colour to wear as eyeshadow (pinkeye, anyone?) but makes me feel chirpy and ready to irritate anyone.

Recommendations
Bourjois Effet Lumiere trio http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=1716&storeId=10052&productId=1381&callingViewName=&categoryId=7238&langId=-1&catalogId=10551
Especially Les Argents (grey trio) and Les Bruns (brown trio) which is a nice set of bronze colours ideal for use with a tan.
Bourjois Little Round Pot http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/shadow/74
Nicely blendable. Beige Rosé 08 is an ideal base colour for all-over lid coverage. Noir Emeraude 07 is a smoky dark green shadow which I use (over a paler green shade) in a thin line right above my lashes, topped off with liner. Argent 25 is a lovely silvery grey.
Barry M Dazzle Dust http://www.barrym.com/products/product.asp?id=77
Sold in Superdrug, where inevitably the little chavs and their Croydon facelifts have made the stand look a mess. However, it's worth getting your fingers a little bit grubby as these are stunning iridescent loose powders in a wide range of colours.

I use dd58 Candy and dd64 Fuchsia together on my lid, on top of the Bourjois Beige Rosé, finished with a thin line of black liner. Trust me, I find the black liner tones down the overall OMGSHETHINKSSHE'S16-factor brilliantly. My other two faves are dd72 Emerald and dd16 Dark Green. To go with any pots of Dazzle Dust you might buy, I recommend tissues and cosmetic cotton buds
Cosmetic buds are ideal for these powders as the flat end can be used for applying the paler colours and blending, the pointed end for darker colours and creating liner-effects. Back to the powders. As I wrote - these are loose powders so you'll inevitably sprinkle the colour on your cheek when applying with the buds, so place a tissue under your eye first. I've had incidents when I've got the colour on my skin, brushed if off with my hand and ended up with stunning green smears across my face, dagnabbit! A tissue works better than any beauty editor who's told you to brush loose face powder on your cheek first, so you can later brush away any spills - she's a lying cow who doesn't know her AHAs from her botulism.

Now, you probably think by now I abhor all things kohl, but it's just not true. I think they're for the more confident eye make up wearer, and I poo-pooed them when I was talking about eyeshadow for starters. I have a good few kohl pencils and below are my recommendations. I use all of them very sparingly underneath my lower lashes, dabbing a little colour at the outer corner then smudging in towards the middle with one of the best inventions ever, the Eye Smudge
This blends the colour so it gets fainter as it progresses inwards.

Recommendations
Bourjois Regard Pailleté Glitter Pencils http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/liner/98
Utterly girly and good fun, I go for the black.
Bourjois Metallic Eye Pencils http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/liner/118
Less showy than the glitter version, the green is nicely subtle.

There is one exception to my rule of using coloured kohls, and it's this: the classic Bourjois Noir et Blanc
Use the white in the inner corners of the eyes to brighten for an evening out or a pick-me-up, and the black on my lower lids above the lashes. This is the fun part of make-up - pencilling the kohl along the lower lid by pulling the lid down with one hand and trying not to get the kohl inside the eyelid thus making you cry for the day / night. I type from experience.

Lips
I don't ever bother with liner - it's too much hassle and I don't want to look like someone who lays on her back for a living. If you want to though, for goodness sake never, ever choose a colour darker than your lipstick or gloss. You will look like you work in Las Vegas. At any rate, I have small lips so I rarely crowd them with a heavy colour because it only serves to make them appear even smaller. It's a general rule of thumb with colours - the darker a colour the smaller its 'canvas' will appear. I mean, would you paint your hallway burgundy? Not unless you lived in a country pile!

Which reminds me of something else I read once. If you're going all out on your eyes, pull back on the lips, and vice versa. Dynasty can't be spelt without 'nasty', your name's not Joan Collins.

Recommendations
Estée Lauder High Gloss http://www.esteelauder.co.uk/templates/products/sp_shaded.tmpl?CATEGORY_ID=CAT2962&PRODUCT_ID=PROD71783
A great non-sticky tint and shine gloss.
Bourjois Effet 3D http://www.bourjois.co.uk/lips/gloss/65
A sucess since launch. easy-to-use brush-on gloss with wide range of shades.
L'Oréal Color Riche http://www.loreal-paris.co.uk/_en/_gb/beauty-filter/index.aspx?category=Cosmetics_Lips&topics=BF_Color_Riche
A light gloss which does what it says on the tin but doesn't stain your lips.

I might be teaching you to suck eggs now but any lipstick or gloss looks appalling on dry and/or cracked lips. I'm a hypocrite in telling you not to chew / bite your lips but don't. They get sore and saliva dries the skin out. Buy a lip balm and keep it with you as much as possible, so if you don't always tote a handbag around with you, buy a few of tubes, one for your bag, one for car, one for office - so the places you spend the most time. A little costly but I am the moron who has four main handbags on rotation, each ready-packed with mirror, emery board, matching umbrella, purse and coin purse (each with a set of change for parking). Do what you feel is sane.

Recommendations
Palmer's Cocoa Butter Formula http://www.etbrowne.com/products/Collection.aspx?CollectionID=27
Smells of heaven (or at least heavenly), has SPF15. In fact, Palmer's do an amazing range of moisturisers, including a shimmery cream which is better and cheaper than Nivea's much-hyped version.
Sally Hansen 24 Hour Lip Treatment http://www.sallyhansen.com/product.cfm?product=12
Creamy smooth, discreet tube.
Chapstick Classic http://www.chapstick.com/classic/index.asp
If I remember rightly, this is cheaper than both the Palmer's and Sally Hansen products, and a good alternative. Not my first choice, however.

Monday 10 May 2010

Quick Rant

Work blocked two of my favourite websites today! OH NOES! What will I read now?