Quiet? I don't know the meaning of the word

Earlier today I retweeted @caitlinmoran because like a lot of people I follow, I don't always agree with her but I'm getting sick of the hate I see in my TL towards her & many others who're trying to effect change.

I don't quite agree with the Report Abuse button because it itself is open to abuse, but in the same breath I'm sick of the derogatory comments &/or threats of any degree made to all, including (but not exclusive to) women, minorities of any kind, atheists, agnostics, members of all religions, undecideds, transgender, transvestites, or whoever the fuck an individual may be.

I am all for the freedom of speech, even if the ideas etc. are anathema to me. If I wish someone to be silenced because their ideals make me sick to my stomach, then I should be silenced too. I didn't take part in yesterday's #TwitterSilence because despite my supporting its foundation, do not agree with being silenced because of vicious members of society wish people not to be equal.

In Orwell's Animal Farm*, those in power paid lip service to the idea that everyone is equal. That's not true in today's society & until it is, people trying to effect equality should not be silenced because those trying to prevent equality will not be silenced either.

I don't know what the answer is, and I doubt I ever will. A lot of people who are much cleverer than I could ever hope to be have written extensively on this subject. My thoughts are those which are not researched, terribly well thought-out or comprehensive. I don't write much about the important issues any more (not that I ever did with much dedication). But this past few weeks has driven me to it**. I hope I'll never do is lose sight of the problem and hope I never end up on the wrong side of history.

*English Literature GCSE, don't fail me now!

**now look what you made me do!

En Français

As many if you poor sods what done follow me on the twitters for a bit may've realised, that despite a tenuous grasp on the French language that makes Del Boy look fluent*, I regularly submit, for your delectation, choice tidbits from what appears in my timeline.

These include, but are not limited to, epithets, made-up words, adjectives, nouns, portmanteaus, verbs, Spoonerisms and even entire tweets du jour.

A few of you have even submitted tweets for my consideration, which misguidedly leads me to believe I am a comic genius.

*modest face*

Not ten minutes ago I logged on like the wanton twitter addict I am for my latest fix, to be greeted with a submission not just for tweet du jour, nor even tweet du semaine**, but tweet de l'année***.

I clicked like a mad, clicking thing and was greeted with one hell of a tweet. Not only does it contain a worthy entry for epithet du jour, but it lays into that most hated of species: TORIES! (The children! Won't someone think of the children?!)

Without further ado, I present to you, 2012's Tweet of the Year!

Oh, the person who submitted it? One @jodieohdoh. Follow her.

*Chaise longue, Raquel. Chaise longue.

**I totally had to Google that.

***but not that. Get me.

Gems of Wisdom: Chocolate

Wednesday 11th May 2011

While eating a Cadbury’s Picnic bar.

"Orgasmic. Is that a word? What does it mean? I know what one is..."

Gems of Wisdom: Rubbish

Tuesday 10th May 2011

Claiming something I said was rubbish

Colleague: "Gobswallop."
Me: "Godswallop? Don’t you mean codswallop?"
C: "No! Gobswallop!"
M: "Ah I thought you were saying GODswallop. Still, you mean codswallop, right?"
C: "No, the term's gobswallop!"
M: "Bless. No, it’s codswallop."
C: "No! It’s gobswallop!"
M: "It’s not, it’s cod, as in the fish. Codswallop."
C: "I’ve been saying gobswallop all my life! You’re wrong!"
M: "I’m not."

I then sent her an email with links to the search results from Google for both gobswallop and codswallop. Her version returns 4 hits. Codswallop returns at least 138,000 hits.

Gems of Wisdom: Introduction

In my position as a call centre monkey, I had the pleasure of working with a woman a few years younger than me. I have said, and she fully agreed with me, that she didn’t seem to have anything stopping her from speaking exactly what she was thinking at a given moment in time.

Sometimes a gem occurred as she was thinking out loud, and I had absolutely no input into the stream of consciousness. If a gem occurred as part of a conversation, the gem was written as a conversation.

Disclaimer: The subject of these posts has given me full permission to publish these excerpts from our conversations.

Gems of Wisdom: Swim away!

Tuesday 28th FebruaryTalking about her scuba diving classMe: "Are you going to learn to swim while you're on holiday?"Colleague "I can swim a little bit. (yawning) It's easier with the woo-ey things on"M: "The... the 'woo-ey' things?"C: "The webby things."M: "Oh! Webby."C: "Yeah. What are they called?"M: "Flippers."C: "Yeah, flippers. With them on I can go quite far."

Well ain't this just adorable!

Yesterday I was sat sitting staring blankly at the idiot box after a long and arduous day with my nose pressed firmly up against the corporate grindstone.

All of a sudden I was presented with a new advertisement which I hadn't seen before.

It took a moment to register some kind of emotional response in me, but when it did, I HOWLED with laughter. It's absurd, cute and completely addictive.

Enjoy.



(This post is in no way an endorsement of EDF Energy. But if they want to give me some cold, hard cash, I ain't saying non. Je voudrais le dosh, s'il vous plaît.)

Update: (finally) the second EDF poo advert which is also tres cute. You're welcome.

Processed Pork Products

Spammers. They're everywhere? (I mean, not literally. Else there'd be no room for anything else.)

I'm sure I'm not alone in being offered a wide variety of drugs, to refresh my banking details and more untoward subject matter. Those strike me as not willing to put the damned effort in.

However once in a while, an email arrives which, although clearly being nonsense, deserves to be highlighted for the pure comedy value. I received this gem last week. Enjoy!

Hello. How are you today?

I like a nice, polite spammer. Manners don't cost a thing.

Do you remember me? Not so long ago we met on a dating site, you gave me your e-mail.

I've never even visited a dating site, let alone registered with one.

I'm sorry about the little waiting to answer The most important thing that I came in contact with you. I'm looking for just new friends. For fun and companionship.

Harmless enough motive. UNLESS YOU WANT TO WEAR MY SKIN. o_O

My name is Viktoriya, I live in Saint Petersburg.

Ah, mother Russia! Wrap up warm, now.

I am 27 years, and because of my work, I have very little free time to communicate with friends in real life.

Employers just want blood. I'm with you, sister!

So I decided to make friends on the Internet. If you want to make friends with me, I'd be happy to get your answer. In this letter I send you my photo, so you can see other signs of me.

Signs of you? I'm not going to track you, dear. I'm not Chris Packham.

If you are not interested in my friendship, please, let me know about it anyway.

Ah, you're alright love. I've got the voices in my head for company.

And none of us will spend our precious time is wasted. I wish you good mood and good day! After all, our mood is the key to our success.

And there was me thinking the key to success was hard work and all that gubbins.

I am writing to you from your work e-mail,

You... you're writing to me from MY work email? How the fuck did you manage that? WITCHCRAFT!

Answer me on my private email: vikasupina@yahoo.com

Bossy boots.

Viktoriya

Bless 'em, they do try.
Just not hard enough.

Eee, tha’s reet classy, like

What’s the best invention in the world?

ALCOHOL!

What’s the best idea in the world?

DRINKING IT!

When’s a good idea to drink the best invention in the world?

ON A SCHOOL NIGHT!

Oh wait...

Ah, Homer Simpson.
The classiest of classy drinkers

Disclaimer: Today’s blog is not borne of me classily drinking Bailey’s from a coffee mug yesterday. Oh no. *innocent face*

The Futility of Politics

A few years ago I couldn't give a toss about politics. Even after I reached voting age and was determined to use my right (people have died to give me the chance to have my say) I still wasn't at all fascinated. To date I have always voted Liberal Democrat and could be heard to say that "they were the best of a bad bunch".

I started to give a miniscule rat's arse about the policies of those whom we elect to be in power roughly five years ago. These people, who were all but faceless to me, are the ones we put in a job with a salary in excess of £50,000 and whom we trust to make the right choices for us as a population.

Then Twitter threw itself into my path. I signed up without really giving it a second thought. It was another way to keep in touch with online friends. Soon I upgraded to a smartphone which really started my tweeting frenzy which hasn't really let up in the two years since.

I've used Twitter has a place to have a ruddy good old rant about myriad subjects. It's a forum away from The Book of Faces where a lot of my relatives can see my status updates, and gives me the chance to spout my liberal tirades away from the more right-wing tendencies of certain members of my family.

As is the nature of time and its passing, the 2010 General Election hove into sight and I leapt into the fray behind Nick Clegg without a backwards glance. I followed his account, my then-MP's account, Chris Huhne's and the Winchester candidate's, these latter two being the next closest constituencies to mine.

I fully believed that the Lib Dems stood a jolly good chance of getting their most decent showing for absolutely ages and that David Cameron was an abhorrent windbag who wouldn’t be able to fight very well against the living memory of 18 years of his bloody party before Tony Blair.

Okay, so Cameron didn’t win an outright majority, though to listen to him prattle on you’d think so – uh, Mr Cameron, if you did, why the hell did you have to form a coalition government? Oh yeah. BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T GET A MAJORITY OF SEATS.

For the week following the election, I had great hope that a coalition would be formed between Labour, the Lib Dems and the few others here and there that would’ve created a majority of seats. After all, wasn’t everything Mr Clegg pointing towards his party’s policies being of a similar lefty bent as Labour’s? Gordon Brown remaining as Prime Minister was a much more palatable prospect than a bloody right-wing, privileged toff in No. 10.

I’m a damned fool. Of course Clegg got in bed with Cameron. After all, the Lib Dems are SUCH a match with the Tories. Aren’t they? Yes. I was shocked, I was absolutely dismayed when the news of a deal broke, and hated the sight of that press conference in the garden. I remained somewhat hopeful though. We were all told in the news that there were deal breakers in the formation of the coalition government; that the Lib Dems would temper the heavy-handedness of the Tory policies.

Bollocks.

We’re coming up on two years down the line and not a week has passed without some new Cameron-backed policy being trumpeted in the right wing press, derided in the lefty papers or sneaked out as quietly as possible because it’s total lunacy.

And what do we see of the Lib Dems? In recent weeks, not much at all of Mr Clegg (or the spineless wonder I now believe is a more fitting, if not to say polite, name for him). And of the others in the cabinet? Seemingly wheeled out when a boorish Tory needs someone to take the flack for some rotten pile of codswallop.

We’ve had, among others:
Two sets of riots
Strike action
Job cuts
Rising unemployment
The economic recovery seems to be resident in the same realm as the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny
Local budget cuts leading to the closure of libraries and the withdrawal of services
Cuts to benefits for the most vulnerable members of society
Effective cuts to the budget of the BBC
Reams of rhetoric telling us there is no money for any of this
An Olympics which is costing billions yet which we are told ad nauseam will plough even more back into the economy
A royal wedding which was also a drain on the public coffers and which we were also told would generate a lot of revenue (but the extra bank holiday we were given has since been blamed by Gideon as the reason for another quarter of poor growth)
The potential sale of forests
A bible being given to every school pupil (even though ‘there’s no money’)
And the effective privatisation of the NHS, an institution which has seen the improvement in the health of the less well off in this country, of which there must be hundreds of thousands.

How are the Lib Dems tempering the Tory’s running roughshod over those of us (and there are a LOT of us) who were not born with silver spoons jammed up our arses? And with Mr Cameron giving Alex Salmond even more firepower to progress the split of Scotland from the UK, I just can’t see how the rest of us can fight off further Tory governments without the aid of Labour constituencies in that fine country. In my constituency, Labour really don’t stand a chance, it’s either LD or Tory.

So right now, I can’t help but think, what's the bloody point? Why should I care anymore? I’ve always used my vote but look where that’s got us. I’m thoroughly ashamed I appear to have wasted it on the Liberal Democrats because of the government we’ve been landed with thanks to Mr Spineless-Wonder, yet had I voted Labour that would’ve been wasted too. Plus, on the day of the election, how was I to know that Spineless was even more of a lying shit that I assumed many politicians to be already?

So tell me. What is the bloody point in caring anymore? Because I don’t fucking well know.

You will never find a more wretched
hive of scum and villany.

Am I getting old?

As detailed here I will be made redundant in April.

My current employers are providing assistance through an external company to give us the best chance of getting new employment as soon as possible. To this end, this morning I typed out a fourth version of my CV. It looks NOTHING like how I was taught at school a CV should look like.

I don't know how the hell I've managed to get myself employed this far I don't know. Luck?

I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY IS UP ANYMORE!

The Superb Owl

I don't get what all the fuss was about last night. Since when were our friends in the US so obsessed with nocturnal birds of prey?

Still. In the interests of international relations, I joined in with their #SuperbOwl hashtag and submitted these beauties for their delectation. I really hoped they appreciated them.

In other news, this happy chappy can't get enough coverage in my learned opinion.

Do your stompy dance, little fella!

Tastes like chicken...

The glorious Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half fame wrote a blogpost in 2010 which featured a drawing in her own inimitable style that has spawned a meme.

Meanwhile, earlier I was browsing Imgur when I came across this utter beauty of an image.



TIME FOR ME TO MAKE MY FIRST EFFORT AT A MEME!

Sherlock: The Reichenbach Fall

Earlier this week Steven Moffat took a turn for the irritating when he told the Radio Times that he'd read a lot of the theories about the apparent demise of Sherlock Holmes which have set the internet ablaze since 10:30pm Sunday 15th January.

I firmly believe(d?) that Molly had something to do with a body swap between Holmes and Moriarty. I've read this week about theories of stopping heartbeats with a squash ball and/or a rhododendron chemical.



But if these are the same theories which Mr Moffat is stating are incorrect and missing important details, then I think it's one of three things.

One: Moffat is antagonising us for shits and giggles. Naughty Steven, tut tut. 

Two: I haven't the fucking foggiest and will not be looking forward to the predicted TWO YEAR WAIT for series three.

Three: there's something wrong with the timeline. The episode opens with John Watson in a counselling session with a therapist. After the titles, a caption on screen says 'Three months earlier' (sorry if this wording isn't verbatim). Moriarty's trial occurs six weeks later.

If the trial lasts at least two days (the jurors return to a hotel room at least once where they're blackmailed), then Moriarty visits Sherlock at the earliest six weeks, two days after the three break-ins.

We are now five weeks, five days before Watson's counselling session.

The next time indicator on screen, bringing us up to Watson being delivered to Mycroft's club, reads 'two months later'.

That would mean we're a little shy of three weeks AFTER the counselling session.

So. I've either misread the times on screen or the timeline in the narrative is screwed.

What say you, Mssrs Moffat and Gatiss? Am I on completely the wrong track and even more off-course than those theories already hammered out on myriad message boards across the Sherlock-obsessing world?

Guest Blogging across the Webbyverse

Recently I was asked to write a regular column for an up and coming style blog, Fashion Worked.

The column is called Sack the Stylist, and each week I cast a critical eye over an outfit which someone has chosen to inflict on the world.

You can see my columns here: Sack the Stylist. Aren't you lucky?!

If you want to write for Fashion Worked too, contact them at @fashionworked.

Shooting Stars: A Response

I got on my high horse about the cancellation of Shooting Stars recently.

I received a response from Auntie on Thursday 24th November.

Thanks for contacting us regarding 'Shooting Stars.'

We understand you're unhappy the series has been decommissioned.

'Shooting Stars' has been a great addition to the BBC Two schedule, however, we regularly have to make difficult decisions with regard to which shows to commission and unfortunately sometimes they will prove to be unpopular with sections of the audience. In future there will be less space on BBC Two for comedy/entertainment panel shows so sadly 'Shooting Stars' won't be returning. We'd like to thank Vic and Bob for everything they've brought to the channel over the years.

Thanks once again for contacting us.

Grrr.

My Name Is

Thanks to Jenny the Bloggess's tweet of Saturday, I too have had a mini rant about people getting my name wrong. It's on "hello my fucking name is", (click) but if you can't access that site because of all the expletives, I have recreated it here for your delectation. Bon appetit!

My name is Sarah. It has been for over thirty years thanks to my parents. Most people have their parents to thank for their name.

However, despite this, my mother often gets it wrong. I'm the youngest of three: my brother Simon is six years my senior and Samantha (Sam) is five years older. Simon gets called Simon by our mother. Good for him. Sam gets called Si- Sam. Mum's train of thought for remembering her children's names must go chronologically. Ergo, I get called Si-Sam-Sarah. Always have done. Love you too, Mum.

Through my life, I have encountered many people who ask if my name is with a H or without. It's with. WITH! If it weren't, I’d be Sara, pronounced Sarr-rarr. Stupid people. That's a completely different name.

However, things took a surreal turn six years ago. I got a job in a call centre. I have targets to hit, partly made up of quality checks. To hit my quality scores, I have to say certain things including introducing myself. (That's pretty much common courtesy anyway.) In my time in the job, I've been called the following, by customers and colleagues alike:

Sharon – Okay. It starts with the same letter. I can cope with a little brain fart.
Amanda – Weirdly, quite a few different people call me this. I must 'look' or 'sound' like an Amanda.

I can’t work out the train of thought in these:
Tracy
Charlotte
Rebecca
Ginny
Elizabeth

Don't they listen?! I'm Sarah! SARAH! It's an easy, common name! DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU!

Shooting Stars

You may be aware of the terrible news this week that the BBC are not commissioning any further series of Shooting Stars. I found out from Bob Mortimer's tweet on Tuesday, and here's the BBC news report to rub it in a little more. (I know in the grand scheme of things, it pales in comparison to war, famine et al.)

This has made me an unhappy bunny. I'm not alone either. On the Twitters, a flurry of tweets from famous types including such luminaries as Al Murray, Peter Serafinowicz and and Mark Gatiss hit the mark much more succinctly than my own "WT FUCKING F?! This makes not #POTBBC :-(". (#POTBBC is a hashtag which stands for 'Proud of the BBC'.)

Inspired by the official Shooting Stars Twitter account (click for the tweet), I have logged a complaint with Auntie:

I am extremely dismayed to learn of the corporation's decision not to commission further series of Shooting Stars.

First, let me state that I am a great supported of the BBC in all its formats & firmly believe the cuts foisted upon it by the Tories are abhorrent & uncalled-for.

However, Messrs Moir & Mortimer are two of the UK's greatest surreal comedians who deserve better treatment than this. Their show is hysterical to say the least. Their treatment of celebrities is irresistible yet by cancelling the programme, will be.

Although other panel shows such as Mock The Week and Have I Got News For You provide much-needed levity in these severe times, they do not fill the niche which ‘Stars does. It is unique, original and fantastically absurd. Where else can one view a full half-hour of such outside of an Eddie Izzard or Bill Bailey concert?

I urge you to seriously reconsider the decision, taking into consideration the argument that Shooting Stars is hardly a panel show in the general sense of the term.

Want to join in? You can contact the corporation directly here. I don't see the harm in you taking part in the Radio Times' poll here either.

I know. I can't believe it either.

A change in circumstances

I’m currently experiencing something I never have before, but which many before me have and will in the future. It’s stressful, not entirely unexpected and certainly not wanted.

In April, I will be made redundant. My employers are moving the offices to Surrey. I can’t commute that distance and I don’t want to move out of the area.3

I’m certainly not happy about it but I understand the thinking behind it. I thoroughly enjoy my job despite the odd oddball here and there. I can say with absolutely certainty that my employer is the best one I’ve worked for to date. I’ve been employed by good and mediocre organisations before so I know and appreciate what I’ve got here.

When I leave I’ll have been in this job for over seven years, where I’ve made friends, laughed a lot and learnt plenty. I’ll exit with more experience, obviously, and a veritable wedge of certificates from the many training courses provided by the company. Will this happen elsewhere?

Anybody want an administrator / call centre monkey?!

"Gizza job!"

Nails Inc.

Last week, one seemingly fed-up Nails Inc. customer started a bit of a mini-avalanche on their Facebook page in regard to their freight charges. They offer a choice of freight options: free if you spend £50 or more (before freight); Royal Mail at £4.95; or DPD couriers at £5.95.

Nails Inc. customers are already paying £11 per bottle of varnish, which is a lot but the quality is there. However this customer complained that the freight is a lot in addition to the cost of the polishes, which I assume (note: I do not know for certain) do not cost anywhere near that to manufacture.

Various people, commented that they could ship a bottle or two via Royal Mail (including packaging) for a fraction of the freight charge Nails Inc. offer for the same service. I believe this. I use Royal Mail for mailing packages for friends’ birthdays and Christmas at various locations around the UK.

At least twice, Nails Inc. countered this increasing number of complaints with the following statement:

Many thanks to everyone for their comments regarding postage on www.nailsinc.com We are taking these very seriously and will feedback as soon as we can.

Yet still the complaints came. Yesterday, their response to this was:

Thank you again to everyone for the feedback on our postage and packaging. We would like to confirm that we have not increased the cost for delivery – the cost remains at £4.95. We have changed to ‘Royal Mail Tracked’ which is still an excellent recorded delivery service.

Which did not go down well. I decided to enter the fray as well, with a piece of my mind left on Facebook;

You might as well just charge us £5 and come clean that you're shafting your customers.
Why not take the lead from other online retailers such as Amazon who offer a variety of delivery options?
I didn't take advantage of the latest Lucky Dip because your delivery costs seem to be non-negotiable.
You said you would listen to your customers (your source of revenue) but less than a week later you're not doing a thing to help us help you maintain your sales.
I think your polishes are really fantastic but on Friday I went to Boots instead & treated myself to three just-as-lovely No.7 colours instead.

and this post.

Why this post? Because last week during the initial set of complaints, I noticed one user complaining about the poor customer service provided by Nails Inc. I too have been on the receiving end of this, and would like to share it with you. (I have removed the majority of pleasantries for the sake of brevity.)

From: Sarah
Sent: 14 January 2011 11:10
To: customerservice@nailsinc.com; support@nailsinc.com
Subject: Email Address Amendment
Importance: High
I have registered for email newsletters using my personal email address,
personal.email@genericISP.com, this morning, then created an account to place an
order but the system would not accept my personal email address again and I've had to use my work address, work.email@genericcompany.com . I then tried to amend the address in my profile to my personal address which was rejected again on the grounds of duplication.

Please can you arrange for my account profile to be amended so the address is personal.email@genericISP.com.

From: support@nailsinc.com
18/01/2011 15:59
Thank you very much for sending us these details through. I have passed this on to our web team to rectify for you.

From: Sarah
Sent: 11 February 2011 09:17
I am still unable to change my address. Please advise.

From: support@nailsinc.com
15/01/2011 10:28
We have passed you query through to the web team again to see what their progress is with updating your address.
I apologise if this is taking longer than we expected.

From: customerservice@nailsinc.com
23/03/2011 10:17
We apologise for the delay in getting back to you on this.
We were told that this email amendment had been made by our web team but as you say it obviously has not been changed. We have put this case through to them again to resolve and they will come back to us as soon as they can. In the meantime, if you would like to make a phone order with us for any of our products online please give me a call on 0203 405 1451.
Thank you for your patience on this matter and we hope to resolve this soon.

From: Me
01/04/2011 18:25
To whom it may concern.
Further to the below issue which is still not resolved (as originally requested on Friday 14th January 2011) I now have a further problem. This morning I received the latest newsletter and a discount code as my birthday is this month. I appreciate the
discount and already know what I will use it on.
However when I logged into the site this evening, my account no longer shows me as an Ultimate Reward Scheme member (which was purchased on 14th January, order reference [redacted]).
Nor do any of my previous orders* appear in the order history.
As a result my accumulated Ultimate Reward Scheme points are not available to me at
the checkout.
Please can you ensure that my account is rectified as soon as possible, and my missing points returned to me.
*The missing orders are: [redacted for brevity]
I look forward to hearing from you on Monday 4th April.

You may be able to tell from the final email I had lost my temper at this stage. Also there are no further emails as they did not reply on 4th April, I ended up calling them instead to find out what had happened.

This is where it gets silly.

Because my personal email address was already on their files from when I signed up for the newsletter, they transferred all my order history and Ultimate Reward Scheme details over, rather than simply changing the address on my account from my work one to my personal one.

Also, it took from 14th January until 1st April for Nails Inc. to rectify this. The only thing in their favour is their politeness in dealing with me. Yes, they responded to my repeated emails in a timely manner and courteously but I wonder would my problem had been fixed if I had not persisted in chasing it. I never got an email from them which was unprompted by me.