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As many if you poor sods what done follow me on the twitters for a bit may've realised, that despite a tenuous grasp on the French language that makes Del Boy look fluent*, I regularly submit, for your delectation, choice tidbits from what appears in my timeline.

These include, but are not limited to, epithets, made-up words, adjectives, nouns, portmanteaus, verbs, Spoonerisms and even entire tweets du jour.

A few of you have even submitted tweets for my consideration, which misguidedly leads me to believe I am a comic genius.

*modest face*

Not ten minutes ago I logged on like the wanton twitter addict I am for my latest fix, to be greeted with a submission not just for tweet du jour, nor even tweet du semaine**, but tweet de l'année***.

I clicked like a mad, clicking thing and was greeted with one hell of a tweet. Not only does it contain a worthy entry for epithet du jour, but it lays into that most hated of species: TORIES! (The children! Won't someone think of the children?!)

Without further ado, I present to you, 2012's Tweet of the Year!

Oh, the person who submitted it? One @jodieohdoh. Follow her.

*Chaise longue, Raquel. Chaise longue.

**I totally had to Google that.

***but not that. Get me.

Gems of Wisdom: Chocolate

Wednesday 11th May 2011

While eating a Cadbury’s Picnic bar.

"Orgasmic. Is that a word? What does it mean? I know what one is..."

Gems of Wisdom: Rubbish

Tuesday 10th May 2011

Claiming something I said was rubbish

Colleague: "Gobswallop."
Me: "Godswallop? Don’t you mean codswallop?"
C: "No! Gobswallop!"
M: "Ah I thought you were saying GODswallop. Still, you mean codswallop, right?"
C: "No, the term's gobswallop!"
M: "Bless. No, it’s codswallop."
C: "No! It’s gobswallop!"
M: "It’s not, it’s cod, as in the fish. Codswallop."
C: "I’ve been saying gobswallop all my life! You’re wrong!"
M: "I’m not."

I then sent her an email with links to the search results from Google for both gobswallop and codswallop. Her version returns 4 hits. Codswallop returns at least 138,000 hits.

Gems of Wisdom: Introduction

In my position as a call centre monkey, I had the pleasure of working with a woman a few years younger than me. I have said, and she fully agreed with me, that she didn’t seem to have anything stopping her from speaking exactly what she was thinking at a given moment in time.

Sometimes a gem occurred as she was thinking out loud, and I had absolutely no input into the stream of consciousness. If a gem occurred as part of a conversation, the gem was written as a conversation.

Disclaimer: The subject of these posts has given me full permission to publish these excerpts from our conversations.

Gems of Wisdom: Swim away!

Tuesday 28th FebruaryTalking about her scuba diving classMe: "Are you going to learn to swim while you're on holiday?"Colleague "I can swim a little bit. (yawning) It's easier with the woo-ey things on"M: "The... the 'woo-ey' things?"C: "The webby things."M: "Oh! Webby."C: "Yeah. What are they called?"M: "Flippers."C: "Yeah, flippers. With them on I can go quite far."

Well ain't this just adorable!

Yesterday I was sat sitting staring blankly at the idiot box after a long and arduous day with my nose pressed firmly up against the corporate grindstone.

All of a sudden I was presented with a new advertisement which I hadn't seen before.

It took a moment to register some kind of emotional response in me, but when it did, I HOWLED with laughter. It's absurd, cute and completely addictive.

Enjoy.



(This post is in no way an endorsement of EDF Energy. But if they want to give me some cold, hard cash, I ain't saying non. Je voudrais le dosh, s'il vous plaît.)

Update: (finally) the second EDF poo advert which is also tres cute. You're welcome.

Processed Pork Products

Spammers. They're everywhere? (I mean, not literally. Else there'd be no room for anything else.)

I'm sure I'm not alone in being offered a wide variety of drugs, to refresh my banking details and more untoward subject matter. Those strike me as not willing to put the damned effort in.

However once in a while, an email arrives which, although clearly being nonsense, deserves to be highlighted for the pure comedy value. I received this gem last week. Enjoy!

Hello. How are you today?

I like a nice, polite spammer. Manners don't cost a thing.

Do you remember me? Not so long ago we met on a dating site, you gave me your e-mail.

I've never even visited a dating site, let alone registered with one.

I'm sorry about the little waiting to answer The most important thing that I came in contact with you. I'm looking for just new friends. For fun and companionship.

Harmless enough motive. UNLESS YOU WANT TO WEAR MY SKIN. o_O

My name is Viktoriya, I live in Saint Petersburg.

Ah, mother Russia! Wrap up warm, now.

I am 27 years, and because of my work, I have very little free time to communicate with friends in real life.

Employers just want blood. I'm with you, sister!

So I decided to make friends on the Internet. If you want to make friends with me, I'd be happy to get your answer. In this letter I send you my photo, so you can see other signs of me.

Signs of you? I'm not going to track you, dear. I'm not Chris Packham.

If you are not interested in my friendship, please, let me know about it anyway.

Ah, you're alright love. I've got the voices in my head for company.

And none of us will spend our precious time is wasted. I wish you good mood and good day! After all, our mood is the key to our success.

And there was me thinking the key to success was hard work and all that gubbins.

I am writing to you from your work e-mail,

You... you're writing to me from MY work email? How the fuck did you manage that? WITCHCRAFT!

Answer me on my private email: vikasupina@yahoo.com

Bossy boots.

Viktoriya

Bless 'em, they do try.
Just not hard enough.

Eee, tha’s reet classy, like

What’s the best invention in the world?

ALCOHOL!

What’s the best idea in the world?

DRINKING IT!

When’s a good idea to drink the best invention in the world?

ON A SCHOOL NIGHT!

Oh wait...

Ah, Homer Simpson.
The classiest of classy drinkers

Disclaimer: Today’s blog is not borne of me classily drinking Bailey’s from a coffee mug yesterday. Oh no. *innocent face*

The Superb Owl

I don't get what all the fuss was about last night. Since when were our friends in the US so obsessed with nocturnal birds of prey?

Still. In the interests of international relations, I joined in with their #SuperbOwl hashtag and submitted these beauties for their delectation. I really hoped they appreciated them.

In other news, this happy chappy can't get enough coverage in my learned opinion.

Do your stompy dance, little fella!