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As many if you poor sods what done follow me on the twitters for a bit may've realised, that despite a tenuous grasp on the French language that makes Del Boy look fluent*, I regularly submit, for your delectation, choice tidbits from what appears in my timeline.

These include, but are not limited to, epithets, made-up words, adjectives, nouns, portmanteaus, verbs, Spoonerisms and even entire tweets du jour.

A few of you have even submitted tweets for my consideration, which misguidedly leads me to believe I am a comic genius.

*modest face*

Not ten minutes ago I logged on like the wanton twitter addict I am for my latest fix, to be greeted with a submission not just for tweet du jour, nor even tweet du semaine**, but tweet de l'année***.

I clicked like a mad, clicking thing and was greeted with one hell of a tweet. Not only does it contain a worthy entry for epithet du jour, but it lays into that most hated of species: TORIES! (The children! Won't someone think of the children?!)

Without further ado, I present to you, 2012's Tweet of the Year!

Oh, the person who submitted it? One @jodieohdoh. Follow her.

*Chaise longue, Raquel. Chaise longue.

**I totally had to Google that.

***but not that. Get me.

The Futility of Politics

A few years ago I couldn't give a toss about politics. Even after I reached voting age and was determined to use my right (people have died to give me the chance to have my say) I still wasn't at all fascinated. To date I have always voted Liberal Democrat and could be heard to say that "they were the best of a bad bunch".

I started to give a miniscule rat's arse about the policies of those whom we elect to be in power roughly five years ago. These people, who were all but faceless to me, are the ones we put in a job with a salary in excess of £50,000 and whom we trust to make the right choices for us as a population.

Then Twitter threw itself into my path. I signed up without really giving it a second thought. It was another way to keep in touch with online friends. Soon I upgraded to a smartphone which really started my tweeting frenzy which hasn't really let up in the two years since.

I've used Twitter has a place to have a ruddy good old rant about myriad subjects. It's a forum away from The Book of Faces where a lot of my relatives can see my status updates, and gives me the chance to spout my liberal tirades away from the more right-wing tendencies of certain members of my family.

As is the nature of time and its passing, the 2010 General Election hove into sight and I leapt into the fray behind Nick Clegg without a backwards glance. I followed his account, my then-MP's account, Chris Huhne's and the Winchester candidate's, these latter two being the next closest constituencies to mine.

I fully believed that the Lib Dems stood a jolly good chance of getting their most decent showing for absolutely ages and that David Cameron was an abhorrent windbag who wouldn’t be able to fight very well against the living memory of 18 years of his bloody party before Tony Blair.

Okay, so Cameron didn’t win an outright majority, though to listen to him prattle on you’d think so – uh, Mr Cameron, if you did, why the hell did you have to form a coalition government? Oh yeah. BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T GET A MAJORITY OF SEATS.

For the week following the election, I had great hope that a coalition would be formed between Labour, the Lib Dems and the few others here and there that would’ve created a majority of seats. After all, wasn’t everything Mr Clegg pointing towards his party’s policies being of a similar lefty bent as Labour’s? Gordon Brown remaining as Prime Minister was a much more palatable prospect than a bloody right-wing, privileged toff in No. 10.

I’m a damned fool. Of course Clegg got in bed with Cameron. After all, the Lib Dems are SUCH a match with the Tories. Aren’t they? Yes. I was shocked, I was absolutely dismayed when the news of a deal broke, and hated the sight of that press conference in the garden. I remained somewhat hopeful though. We were all told in the news that there were deal breakers in the formation of the coalition government; that the Lib Dems would temper the heavy-handedness of the Tory policies.

Bollocks.

We’re coming up on two years down the line and not a week has passed without some new Cameron-backed policy being trumpeted in the right wing press, derided in the lefty papers or sneaked out as quietly as possible because it’s total lunacy.

And what do we see of the Lib Dems? In recent weeks, not much at all of Mr Clegg (or the spineless wonder I now believe is a more fitting, if not to say polite, name for him). And of the others in the cabinet? Seemingly wheeled out when a boorish Tory needs someone to take the flack for some rotten pile of codswallop.

We’ve had, among others:
Two sets of riots
Strike action
Job cuts
Rising unemployment
The economic recovery seems to be resident in the same realm as the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny
Local budget cuts leading to the closure of libraries and the withdrawal of services
Cuts to benefits for the most vulnerable members of society
Effective cuts to the budget of the BBC
Reams of rhetoric telling us there is no money for any of this
An Olympics which is costing billions yet which we are told ad nauseam will plough even more back into the economy
A royal wedding which was also a drain on the public coffers and which we were also told would generate a lot of revenue (but the extra bank holiday we were given has since been blamed by Gideon as the reason for another quarter of poor growth)
The potential sale of forests
A bible being given to every school pupil (even though ‘there’s no money’)
And the effective privatisation of the NHS, an institution which has seen the improvement in the health of the less well off in this country, of which there must be hundreds of thousands.

How are the Lib Dems tempering the Tory’s running roughshod over those of us (and there are a LOT of us) who were not born with silver spoons jammed up our arses? And with Mr Cameron giving Alex Salmond even more firepower to progress the split of Scotland from the UK, I just can’t see how the rest of us can fight off further Tory governments without the aid of Labour constituencies in that fine country. In my constituency, Labour really don’t stand a chance, it’s either LD or Tory.

So right now, I can’t help but think, what's the bloody point? Why should I care anymore? I’ve always used my vote but look where that’s got us. I’m thoroughly ashamed I appear to have wasted it on the Liberal Democrats because of the government we’ve been landed with thanks to Mr Spineless-Wonder, yet had I voted Labour that would’ve been wasted too. Plus, on the day of the election, how was I to know that Spineless was even more of a lying shit that I assumed many politicians to be already?

So tell me. What is the bloody point in caring anymore? Because I don’t fucking well know.

You will never find a more wretched
hive of scum and villany.

Shooting Stars

You may be aware of the terrible news this week that the BBC are not commissioning any further series of Shooting Stars. I found out from Bob Mortimer's tweet on Tuesday, and here's the BBC news report to rub it in a little more. (I know in the grand scheme of things, it pales in comparison to war, famine et al.)

This has made me an unhappy bunny. I'm not alone either. On the Twitters, a flurry of tweets from famous types including such luminaries as Al Murray, Peter Serafinowicz and and Mark Gatiss hit the mark much more succinctly than my own "WT FUCKING F?! This makes not #POTBBC :-(". (#POTBBC is a hashtag which stands for 'Proud of the BBC'.)

Inspired by the official Shooting Stars Twitter account (click for the tweet), I have logged a complaint with Auntie:

I am extremely dismayed to learn of the corporation's decision not to commission further series of Shooting Stars.

First, let me state that I am a great supported of the BBC in all its formats & firmly believe the cuts foisted upon it by the Tories are abhorrent & uncalled-for.

However, Messrs Moir & Mortimer are two of the UK's greatest surreal comedians who deserve better treatment than this. Their show is hysterical to say the least. Their treatment of celebrities is irresistible yet by cancelling the programme, will be.

Although other panel shows such as Mock The Week and Have I Got News For You provide much-needed levity in these severe times, they do not fill the niche which ‘Stars does. It is unique, original and fantastically absurd. Where else can one view a full half-hour of such outside of an Eddie Izzard or Bill Bailey concert?

I urge you to seriously reconsider the decision, taking into consideration the argument that Shooting Stars is hardly a panel show in the general sense of the term.

Want to join in? You can contact the corporation directly here. I don't see the harm in you taking part in the Radio Times' poll here either.

I know. I can't believe it either.

If were Director General

Now where was I? Oh yes. If I were Director General of the BBC. Cuts, cuts, more cuts and cuts. At least for the trash.

For the chop with no opportunity for dispute or appeal (in no particular order)

• Doctor Who (not only would I say goodbye, I would say good riddance, and thank fuck for that) and associated spin-off shows
• Eastenders (I have a Take No Prisoners approach to all kinds of soaps as well as reality TV programming and 'talent' shows. That is not to say the candidates are talentless morons like on such programmes which will not be mentioned here but they are a comparable format and therefore illegal in Sahara Desert Land*.
• Lord Andrew Lloyd-Webber audition shows
• Strictly Come Dancing
• Holby Shitty
• Casualty
• Film 2010 (unless the Winkleman can be dispatched and replaced with Mark Kermode). Otherwise, turn it into a show where viewers can tweet in abuse to the Winkleman because she knows shit about films.
• Radio 1 unless it can continue to attract life-time BBC fans to the corporation in much the same way it did to me in my formative years. It needs to dispense, with minimal fuss, with the egos of certain presenters, who shall remain nameless. Said presenters are worthwhile presenters on the station but need to get back to their roots. If it can do this, it will be saved. If not: AXED!

This list is neither exhaustive nor definitive and may be subject to change.

Rebranding (in no particular order)

• Masterchef (any iteration) renamed Mastershout in honour of Sir Terrance of Wogan. If Dave Lamb can be enticed away from Channel 4 for the least amount of munnies he will commentate with Sir Wogan, otherwise the job’s Terry’s, no questions asked. He’s already on contract, y’see.

This list is neither exhaustive nor definitive and may be subject to change.

Saved for Life (in no particular order)

• Mock The Week
• University Challenge
• QI
• Top Gear
• Countryfile
• Something For The Weekend
• Saturday Kitchen
• Cookery shows by Nigella, Delia, Valentine Warner, Anjum Anand, Ching-He Huang, Heston Bloodyhell & Raymond Blanc.
• Shooting Stars
• Never Mind The Buzzcocks
• Have I Got News For You
• I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue
• Question Time
• Newsnight

This list is neither exhaustive nor definitive and may be subject to change.

Recommissioned (in no particular order)

• The Fast Show
• In The Night Garden
• Children of the Sun

This list is neither exhaustive nor definitive and may be subject to change.

Regarding Government interference and attacks on the BBC

David Cameron and his inbred, moneyed, entitled cabal of idiots will be told to fuck off when attempting to interfere with any aspect of the corporation. The same will go for publications which wantonly attack the corporation without just cause. You know who you are. Naughty.

Other stuff

• BBC Bristol will be granted a charter of Never Being Even Threatened With Closure.
• David Attenborough shall be crowned King of BBC Bristol
• The move to Manchester will be scrapped.
• Brian Cox and Jim Al Khalili can each have as many series commissioned as they like.
• Science documentaries in general will be prioritised. Although I don’t have qualifications worth shouting about doesn't mean I don't feel I learn anything from watching such shows. In short: just because I don't have the proof, doesn’t mean I don't understand their content.

*Obligatory Sahara Desert Land Tourism Board Statement

"Visit Sahara Desert Land for apoplexy and soapbox ranting. Fun for all the family!"

You do realise I need to cut costs elsewhere to afford to buy back Mad Men off that thieving, bastard Australian, yes? Good.

BBC Licence Fee Freeze - A Response

Yesterday I blogged my letter to Caroline Nokes MP: http://thedesertonthenet.blogspot.com/2010/10/bbc-license-fee-freeze.html


I've had a reply from Ms Nokes and I don't like it.


Thank you for your email of today's date, sent prior to the Chancellor even having confirmed the freeze on the licence fee.

I too am an avid fan of the BBC, I think they make some excellent programmes, and it remains the channel I turn to first for news, both local and national.

However, at a time when we face an unprecedented deficit I do believe it is imperative that all areas of public spending are scrutinised very carefully, and I can see no reason to exempt the BBC from that process. Sadly for too many years the country has spent beyond its means, and we are left in a situation where we are borrowing more than we spend on the NHS and defence combined. We are spending £120m every day on debt interest, that is simply unsustainable.

I would prefer that there was a freeze in the licence fee, and the BBC adapted to the current situation, than there had to be extra tax rises on hard working families.


As kindly requested by 38 Degrees, I have forwarded her response on to them.

BBC Licence Fee Freeze

I had originally planned my next blog entry to be a faux-tirade on what I would do if appointed Director-General of the BBC. That entry will still occur but first I want to post a copy of the email I have just sent off to my MP, Caroline Nokes (Conservative, Romsey & Southampton North) regarding yesterday’s announcement to freeze the License Fee for six years. I used the 38 Degrees tool which has a simple, three-step process for helping constituents email their MP. I highly recommend you make use of it.

http://www.38degrees.org.uk/page/speakout/protect-BBC

I am a self-confessed avid fan of the BBC in its current iteration. I feel I get excellent value for my license fee and find I favour watching shows on its channels than alternative broadcasters, to the point were save one specific programme on ITV, do not watch that channel whatsoever. Furthermore, I have been a life-long listener to BBC Radio stations, as are my parents, be they local or national ones and cannot imagine having to tune into commercial stations.

The proposed freeze on the licence fee for the next six years is ill-advised, unwarranted and along with the corporation now having to fund the World Service and S4C, means a budget slash of 16%, loss of jobs, tightening of belts and ultimately at least the partial degradation of a world-renowned, trusted and established broadcaster.

I urge you, as my representative in parliament, to hear my comments and take a stand against this freeze. I am not alone in my views and I trust you understand my concern.

The Right Thing

I recently started reading Private Eye on a regular basis, after picking up the odd issue here and there over the past six months or so.

And it makes me feel bad.

Not bad in the sense I shouldn't read it, because I should. It's informative, witty and edited by Ian Hislop who is a great sport and mainstay of Have I Got News For You.

Boys and their toys. Bless.

But when I say it makes me feel bad, I mean it makes me feel impotent and highlights just how filled with bureaucracy this country's government is and how nothing ever seems to change given the references the publication will litter its articles with "Eyes passim" & "Eye ad finitum", when a current topic has been covered before, either ten issues or ten years ago.

It makes me want to switch voting habits, but to whom? The recent Telegraph expenses story has demonstrated to me that anyone of the main three parties can't be trusted (not that I did anyway, but I voted for the best of a bad bunch, and I voted because people have died for my right to do so).

At the last local and European elections, I was confronted with a ballot paper with the choice of Labour, Conservative or Lib Dem (I stuck with my usual choice in that case) and a ballot paper longer than my arm. I found myself nearly considering to spoil it, horrified as I was at the amount of BNP-lite candidates given on it. Thinking sensibly I didn't and managed to vote away from my usual choice and away from the other two of the main three parties. I think I felt good about this, but the party in question is not my chosen representative in the EU.

Private Eye also makes me fear for ever being sued or having to have any legal issues. Okay, I'm not an avid viewer of legal programmes, fact or fiction, and the ones which did interest me more dealt with the US legal system – yes, I'm squinting at the malnourished figure of Ally McBeal here.

Ally McBeal in paperweight mode.

What I read in Private Eye are tales of complicated appeals, rulings, injunctions and years of stress for those involved be they corrupt or not. It makes me shudder to even consider a situation where I’d have to go through any kind of legal wrangling.

However there is something which has piqued my interest which is being covered in the magazine. There is a fellow name of Simon Singh (http://www.simonsingh.net/) whose case can be read about here: http://www.senseaboutscience.org.uk/index.php/site/project/333/

Although I failed my science courses at 6th Form, I still find the subject fascinating. Mr Singh's case is important and fascinating. I hope you find it the same way too.

I shall keep reading Private Eye – to keep up with events in the Simon Singh case and to continue to make myself aware of issues which I feel aren't covered in as much detail elsewhere in the media. And to enjoy their macabre humour and sly wit.