The Futility of Politics

A few years ago I couldn't give a toss about politics. Even after I reached voting age and was determined to use my right (people have died to give me the chance to have my say) I still wasn't at all fascinated. To date I have always voted Liberal Democrat and could be heard to say that "they were the best of a bad bunch".

I started to give a miniscule rat's arse about the policies of those whom we elect to be in power roughly five years ago. These people, who were all but faceless to me, are the ones we put in a job with a salary in excess of £50,000 and whom we trust to make the right choices for us as a population.

Then Twitter threw itself into my path. I signed up without really giving it a second thought. It was another way to keep in touch with online friends. Soon I upgraded to a smartphone which really started my tweeting frenzy which hasn't really let up in the two years since.

I've used Twitter has a place to have a ruddy good old rant about myriad subjects. It's a forum away from The Book of Faces where a lot of my relatives can see my status updates, and gives me the chance to spout my liberal tirades away from the more right-wing tendencies of certain members of my family.

As is the nature of time and its passing, the 2010 General Election hove into sight and I leapt into the fray behind Nick Clegg without a backwards glance. I followed his account, my then-MP's account, Chris Huhne's and the Winchester candidate's, these latter two being the next closest constituencies to mine.

I fully believed that the Lib Dems stood a jolly good chance of getting their most decent showing for absolutely ages and that David Cameron was an abhorrent windbag who wouldn’t be able to fight very well against the living memory of 18 years of his bloody party before Tony Blair.

Okay, so Cameron didn’t win an outright majority, though to listen to him prattle on you’d think so – uh, Mr Cameron, if you did, why the hell did you have to form a coalition government? Oh yeah. BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T GET A MAJORITY OF SEATS.

For the week following the election, I had great hope that a coalition would be formed between Labour, the Lib Dems and the few others here and there that would’ve created a majority of seats. After all, wasn’t everything Mr Clegg pointing towards his party’s policies being of a similar lefty bent as Labour’s? Gordon Brown remaining as Prime Minister was a much more palatable prospect than a bloody right-wing, privileged toff in No. 10.

I’m a damned fool. Of course Clegg got in bed with Cameron. After all, the Lib Dems are SUCH a match with the Tories. Aren’t they? Yes. I was shocked, I was absolutely dismayed when the news of a deal broke, and hated the sight of that press conference in the garden. I remained somewhat hopeful though. We were all told in the news that there were deal breakers in the formation of the coalition government; that the Lib Dems would temper the heavy-handedness of the Tory policies.

Bollocks.

We’re coming up on two years down the line and not a week has passed without some new Cameron-backed policy being trumpeted in the right wing press, derided in the lefty papers or sneaked out as quietly as possible because it’s total lunacy.

And what do we see of the Lib Dems? In recent weeks, not much at all of Mr Clegg (or the spineless wonder I now believe is a more fitting, if not to say polite, name for him). And of the others in the cabinet? Seemingly wheeled out when a boorish Tory needs someone to take the flack for some rotten pile of codswallop.

We’ve had, among others:
Two sets of riots
Strike action
Job cuts
Rising unemployment
The economic recovery seems to be resident in the same realm as the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny
Local budget cuts leading to the closure of libraries and the withdrawal of services
Cuts to benefits for the most vulnerable members of society
Effective cuts to the budget of the BBC
Reams of rhetoric telling us there is no money for any of this
An Olympics which is costing billions yet which we are told ad nauseam will plough even more back into the economy
A royal wedding which was also a drain on the public coffers and which we were also told would generate a lot of revenue (but the extra bank holiday we were given has since been blamed by Gideon as the reason for another quarter of poor growth)
The potential sale of forests
A bible being given to every school pupil (even though ‘there’s no money’)
And the effective privatisation of the NHS, an institution which has seen the improvement in the health of the less well off in this country, of which there must be hundreds of thousands.

How are the Lib Dems tempering the Tory’s running roughshod over those of us (and there are a LOT of us) who were not born with silver spoons jammed up our arses? And with Mr Cameron giving Alex Salmond even more firepower to progress the split of Scotland from the UK, I just can’t see how the rest of us can fight off further Tory governments without the aid of Labour constituencies in that fine country. In my constituency, Labour really don’t stand a chance, it’s either LD or Tory.

So right now, I can’t help but think, what's the bloody point? Why should I care anymore? I’ve always used my vote but look where that’s got us. I’m thoroughly ashamed I appear to have wasted it on the Liberal Democrats because of the government we’ve been landed with thanks to Mr Spineless-Wonder, yet had I voted Labour that would’ve been wasted too. Plus, on the day of the election, how was I to know that Spineless was even more of a lying shit that I assumed many politicians to be already?

So tell me. What is the bloody point in caring anymore? Because I don’t fucking well know.

You will never find a more wretched
hive of scum and villany.

Sherlock: The Reichenbach Fall

Earlier this week Steven Moffat took a turn for the irritating when he told the Radio Times that he'd read a lot of the theories about the apparent demise of Sherlock Holmes which have set the internet ablaze since 10:30pm Sunday 15th January.

I firmly believe(d?) that Molly had something to do with a body swap between Holmes and Moriarty. I've read this week about theories of stopping heartbeats with a squash ball and/or a rhododendron chemical.



But if these are the same theories which Mr Moffat is stating are incorrect and missing important details, then I think it's one of three things.

One: Moffat is antagonising us for shits and giggles. Naughty Steven, tut tut. 

Two: I haven't the fucking foggiest and will not be looking forward to the predicted TWO YEAR WAIT for series three.

Three: there's something wrong with the timeline. The episode opens with John Watson in a counselling session with a therapist. After the titles, a caption on screen says 'Three months earlier' (sorry if this wording isn't verbatim). Moriarty's trial occurs six weeks later.

If the trial lasts at least two days (the jurors return to a hotel room at least once where they're blackmailed), then Moriarty visits Sherlock at the earliest six weeks, two days after the three break-ins.

We are now five weeks, five days before Watson's counselling session.

The next time indicator on screen, bringing us up to Watson being delivered to Mycroft's club, reads 'two months later'.

That would mean we're a little shy of three weeks AFTER the counselling session.

So. I've either misread the times on screen or the timeline in the narrative is screwed.

What say you, Mssrs Moffat and Gatiss? Am I on completely the wrong track and even more off-course than those theories already hammered out on myriad message boards across the Sherlock-obsessing world?

Shooting Stars: A Response

I got on my high horse about the cancellation of Shooting Stars recently.

I received a response from Auntie on Thursday 24th November.

Thanks for contacting us regarding 'Shooting Stars.'

We understand you're unhappy the series has been decommissioned.

'Shooting Stars' has been a great addition to the BBC Two schedule, however, we regularly have to make difficult decisions with regard to which shows to commission and unfortunately sometimes they will prove to be unpopular with sections of the audience. In future there will be less space on BBC Two for comedy/entertainment panel shows so sadly 'Shooting Stars' won't be returning. We'd like to thank Vic and Bob for everything they've brought to the channel over the years.

Thanks once again for contacting us.

Grrr.

Shooting Stars

You may be aware of the terrible news this week that the BBC are not commissioning any further series of Shooting Stars. I found out from Bob Mortimer's tweet on Tuesday, and here's the BBC news report to rub it in a little more. (I know in the grand scheme of things, it pales in comparison to war, famine et al.)

This has made me an unhappy bunny. I'm not alone either. On the Twitters, a flurry of tweets from famous types including such luminaries as Al Murray, Peter Serafinowicz and and Mark Gatiss hit the mark much more succinctly than my own "WT FUCKING F?! This makes not #POTBBC :-(". (#POTBBC is a hashtag which stands for 'Proud of the BBC'.)

Inspired by the official Shooting Stars Twitter account (click for the tweet), I have logged a complaint with Auntie:

I am extremely dismayed to learn of the corporation's decision not to commission further series of Shooting Stars.

First, let me state that I am a great supported of the BBC in all its formats & firmly believe the cuts foisted upon it by the Tories are abhorrent & uncalled-for.

However, Messrs Moir & Mortimer are two of the UK's greatest surreal comedians who deserve better treatment than this. Their show is hysterical to say the least. Their treatment of celebrities is irresistible yet by cancelling the programme, will be.

Although other panel shows such as Mock The Week and Have I Got News For You provide much-needed levity in these severe times, they do not fill the niche which ‘Stars does. It is unique, original and fantastically absurd. Where else can one view a full half-hour of such outside of an Eddie Izzard or Bill Bailey concert?

I urge you to seriously reconsider the decision, taking into consideration the argument that Shooting Stars is hardly a panel show in the general sense of the term.

Want to join in? You can contact the corporation directly here. I don't see the harm in you taking part in the Radio Times' poll here either.

I know. I can't believe it either.

Top Gear

I wrote this for the Empire Magazine forum top 100 TV shows http://www.empireonline.com/forum/tm.asp?m=2850596

Before I started watching Top Gear religiously (I am one of those, along with former Star in a Reasonably Priced Car Will Young, who watches the endless repeats on Dave), in my books cars came in colours with a wheel in each corner and one in front of the driver’s seat.

The programme in its current iteration has turned this air headed woman into one who tweets regularly that I could do as good a job as Messers Hammond, Clarkson and May for half the price, who will bite off the hand of the first person to let me play with a Bugatti Veyron, who was insanely jealous of a friend who recently rallied to Mongolia via the Transfagarasan route, who now claims I can fix anything with the judicious application of a hammer and a bag of chips and knows the Gospel of ‘if it’s stuck and shouldn’t be, use WD40 and if it’s moving and shouldn’t be use gaffer tape.

Cars now interest me. It’s thanks to Top Gear that I can maintain a half-decent conversation about them with my father and my car-minded male friends. It’s thanks to Top Gear that for a little over a month a couple of times a year, I am overjoyed and deliriously happy with the state of television programming in this country.

If you can ignore Jeremy Clarkson’s right-wing rhetoric, Richard Hammond’s forays into prime-time presenting (though he is good at it) and James May’s boys’ own nonsense (Man Lab notwithstanding), on any given episode you will find a funny and engaging programme despite a lot of the cars’ prohibitive price tags. And more than occasionally you will find moments of pure comedy genius: Jeremy thrashing round Basingstoke’s Festival Place shopping centre and Jeremy drowning Ross Kemp.

Shooting Stars

I wrote this for the Empire Magazine forum top 100 TV shows http://www.empireonline.com/forum/tm.asp?m=2850596

I am biased. I am an unashamed and unapologetic fan of Vic and Bob since their Channel 4 series and have endless time for their escapades. This said, to describe Shooting Stars inevitably requires frequent and honest use of the term anarchic. It’s a tired cliché when it comes to Messers Moir* & Mortimer but more justified for them than for many other acts to whom it’s applied.

It is Shooting Stars who we have to thank for George & Marjorie Dawes, for Ulrika Jonnson’s otherwise inexplicable popularity and for B3ta’s propensity for the SPANG meme. However I forgive them this.

There is a format for the show... just. There are two teams, captained by (team A) Mark Lamarr, Will Self and Jack Dee and (team B) Ulrika Jonnson; four guest panellists (though team B will often have a semi regular, previously Jonny Vegas and Angelos Epithemiou), a scorekeeper (formerly George or Marjorie Dawes, most recently Angelos Epithemiou), all led by Vic & Bob as the question masters. However questions should be taken in the loosest possible sense: a question could be ‘name a popular fruit’ and if ‘apple’ is given as an answer, the correct answer could well be Graham Norton or vice versa: if Norton is given, apple would be correct. For a contestant to score points seems to be on the whim of the score keeper, if that.

Though this all sounds like a big complaint, the best way to appreciate it is to watch it yourself. Look out for repeats, specifically from the original series where Jarvis Cocker is twatted with a watermelon and from the most recent series, with Jack Dee getting smacked in the face with bacon. Sublime.

*Call yourself a fan if you didn’t need to Google ‘Moir’.

Mock The Week

I wrote this for the Empire Magazine forum top 100 TV shows http://www.empireonline.com/forum/tm.asp?m=2850596

This is a topical news comedy but different from HIGNY in that it primarily (and, I think, solely) has comedians as its panellists, both regular and guest. With Dara O’Briain hosting, all seven are given virtually free reign to make comments on the week’s news events. The highlight of these are Hugh Dennis, Russell Howard and Andy Parsons, the three regulars. (Had I been writing a year ago, I would definitely include Frankie Boyle who would cut very close to the bone, suffered a media shit storm as a result and stepped down of his own volition.)

The show gives all the panellists a chance to air some of their current stand-up routines (so if you are a fan of Live At The Apollo and Michael McIntyre’s Comedy Roadshow et al you may see some crossover) but more often than not the material is fresh and more importantly, funny. I mean, crying with laughter, side-splittingly hysterically funny.

Catch repeats on Dave weekly, and watch out for “Nemo! Where the FUCK have you been?!” Best. Line. EVER.

If were Director General

Now where was I? Oh yes. If I were Director General of the BBC. Cuts, cuts, more cuts and cuts. At least for the trash.

For the chop with no opportunity for dispute or appeal (in no particular order)

• Doctor Who (not only would I say goodbye, I would say good riddance, and thank fuck for that) and associated spin-off shows
• Eastenders (I have a Take No Prisoners approach to all kinds of soaps as well as reality TV programming and 'talent' shows. That is not to say the candidates are talentless morons like on such programmes which will not be mentioned here but they are a comparable format and therefore illegal in Sahara Desert Land*.
• Lord Andrew Lloyd-Webber audition shows
• Strictly Come Dancing
• Holby Shitty
• Casualty
• Film 2010 (unless the Winkleman can be dispatched and replaced with Mark Kermode). Otherwise, turn it into a show where viewers can tweet in abuse to the Winkleman because she knows shit about films.
• Radio 1 unless it can continue to attract life-time BBC fans to the corporation in much the same way it did to me in my formative years. It needs to dispense, with minimal fuss, with the egos of certain presenters, who shall remain nameless. Said presenters are worthwhile presenters on the station but need to get back to their roots. If it can do this, it will be saved. If not: AXED!

This list is neither exhaustive nor definitive and may be subject to change.

Rebranding (in no particular order)

• Masterchef (any iteration) renamed Mastershout in honour of Sir Terrance of Wogan. If Dave Lamb can be enticed away from Channel 4 for the least amount of munnies he will commentate with Sir Wogan, otherwise the job’s Terry’s, no questions asked. He’s already on contract, y’see.

This list is neither exhaustive nor definitive and may be subject to change.

Saved for Life (in no particular order)

• Mock The Week
• University Challenge
• QI
• Top Gear
• Countryfile
• Something For The Weekend
• Saturday Kitchen
• Cookery shows by Nigella, Delia, Valentine Warner, Anjum Anand, Ching-He Huang, Heston Bloodyhell & Raymond Blanc.
• Shooting Stars
• Never Mind The Buzzcocks
• Have I Got News For You
• I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue
• Question Time
• Newsnight

This list is neither exhaustive nor definitive and may be subject to change.

Recommissioned (in no particular order)

• The Fast Show
• In The Night Garden
• Children of the Sun

This list is neither exhaustive nor definitive and may be subject to change.

Regarding Government interference and attacks on the BBC

David Cameron and his inbred, moneyed, entitled cabal of idiots will be told to fuck off when attempting to interfere with any aspect of the corporation. The same will go for publications which wantonly attack the corporation without just cause. You know who you are. Naughty.

Other stuff

• BBC Bristol will be granted a charter of Never Being Even Threatened With Closure.
• David Attenborough shall be crowned King of BBC Bristol
• The move to Manchester will be scrapped.
• Brian Cox and Jim Al Khalili can each have as many series commissioned as they like.
• Science documentaries in general will be prioritised. Although I don’t have qualifications worth shouting about doesn't mean I don't feel I learn anything from watching such shows. In short: just because I don't have the proof, doesn’t mean I don't understand their content.

*Obligatory Sahara Desert Land Tourism Board Statement

"Visit Sahara Desert Land for apoplexy and soapbox ranting. Fun for all the family!"

You do realise I need to cut costs elsewhere to afford to buy back Mad Men off that thieving, bastard Australian, yes? Good.

BBC Licence Fee Freeze - A Response

Yesterday I blogged my letter to Caroline Nokes MP: http://thedesertonthenet.blogspot.com/2010/10/bbc-license-fee-freeze.html


I've had a reply from Ms Nokes and I don't like it.


Thank you for your email of today's date, sent prior to the Chancellor even having confirmed the freeze on the licence fee.

I too am an avid fan of the BBC, I think they make some excellent programmes, and it remains the channel I turn to first for news, both local and national.

However, at a time when we face an unprecedented deficit I do believe it is imperative that all areas of public spending are scrutinised very carefully, and I can see no reason to exempt the BBC from that process. Sadly for too many years the country has spent beyond its means, and we are left in a situation where we are borrowing more than we spend on the NHS and defence combined. We are spending £120m every day on debt interest, that is simply unsustainable.

I would prefer that there was a freeze in the licence fee, and the BBC adapted to the current situation, than there had to be extra tax rises on hard working families.


As kindly requested by 38 Degrees, I have forwarded her response on to them.

BBC Licence Fee Freeze

I had originally planned my next blog entry to be a faux-tirade on what I would do if appointed Director-General of the BBC. That entry will still occur but first I want to post a copy of the email I have just sent off to my MP, Caroline Nokes (Conservative, Romsey & Southampton North) regarding yesterday’s announcement to freeze the License Fee for six years. I used the 38 Degrees tool which has a simple, three-step process for helping constituents email their MP. I highly recommend you make use of it.

http://www.38degrees.org.uk/page/speakout/protect-BBC

I am a self-confessed avid fan of the BBC in its current iteration. I feel I get excellent value for my license fee and find I favour watching shows on its channels than alternative broadcasters, to the point were save one specific programme on ITV, do not watch that channel whatsoever. Furthermore, I have been a life-long listener to BBC Radio stations, as are my parents, be they local or national ones and cannot imagine having to tune into commercial stations.

The proposed freeze on the licence fee for the next six years is ill-advised, unwarranted and along with the corporation now having to fund the World Service and S4C, means a budget slash of 16%, loss of jobs, tightening of belts and ultimately at least the partial degradation of a world-renowned, trusted and established broadcaster.

I urge you, as my representative in parliament, to hear my comments and take a stand against this freeze. I am not alone in my views and I trust you understand my concern.

Chores

Yesterday morning I woke up and thought to myself, I shall be mindful. To this end my reaction was to stuff all my bed linen in for a wash. Bear in mind, dear reader, this was about two minutes before I absolutely, positively have to leave for work.

My inner genius strikes again!

This meant that, given a fight between me, the duvet and the duvet cover usually takes about fifteen minutes and invariably ends with me losing badly, sobbing in the corner, I left it until I got home last night to put fresh linen on the bed.

But only after I've made my dinner (lemon and dill sauce is heaven), eaten it, made lunch for today, watched Universally Challenged (stock answer: Dave. And yay, some of the questions were based on Gustav Holst's Planet Suite) and What To Eat Now (Valentine Warner is a naughty public schoolboy and I LOVE him - YUM! WOW!).

Valentine Warner models the latest in country gent fashion - eel cravat!

So in other words nine o'clock rolls around and I have to work up the energy to make my bed something I want to actually sleep on rather than curl up on the sofa watching The Wire* then stay there for the night.

To cut a potentially long story short, I didn't end up inside the duvet cover (hurrah!) and won the fight in about 45 minutes. Go me!

*Bad BBC! Putting such a good show on so late! BAD!

BBC schedulers: Omar Little gon' fuck you up.

Twitter and the media

Relaxing (does clutching at one's midriff in fear of seeing one's last meal magically reappear count as relaxing?) yesterday evening I was treated to an advertisement break between segments of Ladette to Lady.

Gillian Harbord

Ten pints of White Lightening later she was seen fast asleep in a rhodedendron bush

One of these ads was for Fanta soft drink and I happened to notice in the animation were one or two little cartoon birds.

That got me thinking, on how BBC Three's idents often feature birds and foliage wrapped around, and landing on, the neon tubes.

Now hold up there: a lot of Twitter's images feature cartoon birds and vine-y, twisting foliage.

"Hi Tweeple!"

Also Twitter's a raging success, in terms of a whole heap of people tweeting about similar subjects resulting in the internet blowing up (I think) when a certain Mr Jackson carked it recently, and news agencies trying to get around the constraints put on them by Iranian authorities.

Iran's Ayatollah Khamenei, yesterday

I don’t have a major point here but want to comment in a roundabout way how design teams for various organisations tap into the zeitgeist by ever so subtly plagiarising aspects of a more successful or popular product / website / whatever and hope some of its kudos will rub off on them.

Sub-post: Fulsome Fanta

When I was looking up images for the above entry, Google kindly gave me this glimpse into the abyss of history.

"‘Fanta’ was originally made from apple fibre and a by-product of cheese"

Fizzy milk? Don’t think I'll be enjoying a refreshing glass of that anytime soon. *retch*
http://www.fanta.co.uk/product.html