Atlas and Alcohol

Last month, my employers had a fun day with various competitions, one of which was to design a contact lens poster. Based on the Farnese Atlas, I substituted the globe for a contact lens side on, and won a bottle of plonk for my troubles!

(Click for bigger.)

I later consumed it and tripped over my bed on my way to bed. Good job my bed was there to break my fall. Oops.

Hateful Customer

I had a happy experience this week. Happy in the sense that, well, it wasn’t at all happy. As I have mentioned, I work in customer services, processing orders and dealing with myriad customer issues. I like doing my job, I take pride in it and I have said on more than one occasion that I wish to treat my customers as I would like to be treated myself (I have very high standards when it comes to being a customer). I have completed two award levels through the Institute of Customer Services (http://www.instituteofcustomerservice.com/) and coached two more people to success in the same award.

I answered a call on Tuesday from a customer who wished to speak with my employer’s sales director. Following procedure (set in place to filter cold callers etc) I directed his call to one of two other colleagues who take any requests to speak to the MD or a director, neither of whom were at their desk. Rather than dump my caller onto voicemail, I offered to take his telephone number and pass his request on so someone would call him back.

At this point he demanded to know where my organisation’s head office is (USA), their telephone number, my name and the names of the staff (the team leaders who oversee customer services) who have told me I have to try these two colleagues for calls such as his.

Unfortunately for him, due to protestors, my organisation has a no-names policy, which in my case I am not allowed to divulge my (or any colleagues’) surname. He informs me he will be telephoning my organisation’s head office to get one or both of the team leaders fired for not letting me put his call directly through to the Sales Director or the MD (whom he has now requested to speak with as well).

He then proceeds to tell me a long-winded story about how he was pressured into attending an interview with one of the armed forces way back when, how one of the interviewers (a brigadier, if I recall) said something which he took as an insult, and how to exact revenge for this slight, later called said officer a rank below that which he was. Can you say petty?

The point of my caller’s story was thus: if I can’t think for myself, and if I can’t think to ignore the instructions laid down for me then I should tell my superiors where they could stick their rules and resign.

Yes, this customer was telling me to leave my paid employment (of over five years), in this financial climate, with the daily horror stories coming out on the news about forthcoming private sector job losses, with no job to move onto, solely because he couldn’t speak to the person he wanted and because I wouldn’t (and couldn’t*) do anything about it except remain calm, listen to all he had to say without interruption and repeat my offer to have someone return his call as soon as.
I don’t think so.

If I hadn’t been so angry I’m positive I’d have been in tears. You may say, oh, what an adult reaction. Indeed, however in the time I’ve done this job, taking 150 calls a day (approximate average) I’ve cried once over awkward customers, once when I was new and a bag of nerves.

*I couldn’t because we don’t have an official receptionist so calls which would ordinarily be dealt with by that role (such as this one) are dealt with by my customer service colleagues and me. (I will iterate here that I am not a receptionist and I have a bloody good idea of what that role entails, it actually being my previous salaried role. In the call centre environment I am employed in, I have specific, measurable targets to meet.) Reception-style calls as efficiently as possible using the two staff members who filter such calls on our behalf.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I wrote this for the Empire Magazine forum top 100 TV shows http://www.empireonline.com/forum/tm.asp?m=2850596

I was interested in this premise ever since the much-derided (and rightly so) film was released with Kirsty Swanson in the titular role. I never had the chance to see that when released but always wanted to see it even after seeing my first few episodes of the series (Season 2, episodes The Pack and Go Fish, to be precise) to see how it fitted in.

The premise is simple, really: "Into every generation a Slayer is born: one girl in all the world, a chosen one. She alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their numbers. She is the Slayer." However the show is so much more complex, blending in the usual teenage crises, trials and tribulations while trying to maintain a secret identity from the authorities, her mother, and classmates, with the help of two close friends and her Watcher.

Over a seven series (and seven year timeline) arc, we get to see the gradual evolution of these four main characters, plus sundry others too and virtually everyone is shown to have a side which upsets the viewer’s assumptions of them: not all vampires are evil, not all humans are good – nothing is what it seems, but it maintains a sense of perspective and never jumps the shark.

Joss Whedon’s ‘Buffyverse’ ends up being a rounded, comprehensible, upsetting, comedic, dramatic and clever invention. It gave us five series of Angel to boot, and many of his regular actors appear in his other shows Firefly and Dollhouse.

Series highlights are The Wish, Doppelgandland, Hush and The Gift.

Top Gear

I wrote this for the Empire Magazine forum top 100 TV shows http://www.empireonline.com/forum/tm.asp?m=2850596

Before I started watching Top Gear religiously (I am one of those, along with former Star in a Reasonably Priced Car Will Young, who watches the endless repeats on Dave), in my books cars came in colours with a wheel in each corner and one in front of the driver’s seat.

The programme in its current iteration has turned this air headed woman into one who tweets regularly that I could do as good a job as Messers Hammond, Clarkson and May for half the price, who will bite off the hand of the first person to let me play with a Bugatti Veyron, who was insanely jealous of a friend who recently rallied to Mongolia via the Transfagarasan route, who now claims I can fix anything with the judicious application of a hammer and a bag of chips and knows the Gospel of ‘if it’s stuck and shouldn’t be, use WD40 and if it’s moving and shouldn’t be use gaffer tape.

Cars now interest me. It’s thanks to Top Gear that I can maintain a half-decent conversation about them with my father and my car-minded male friends. It’s thanks to Top Gear that for a little over a month a couple of times a year, I am overjoyed and deliriously happy with the state of television programming in this country.

If you can ignore Jeremy Clarkson’s right-wing rhetoric, Richard Hammond’s forays into prime-time presenting (though he is good at it) and James May’s boys’ own nonsense (Man Lab notwithstanding), on any given episode you will find a funny and engaging programme despite a lot of the cars’ prohibitive price tags. And more than occasionally you will find moments of pure comedy genius: Jeremy thrashing round Basingstoke’s Festival Place shopping centre and Jeremy drowning Ross Kemp.

Shooting Stars

I wrote this for the Empire Magazine forum top 100 TV shows http://www.empireonline.com/forum/tm.asp?m=2850596

I am biased. I am an unashamed and unapologetic fan of Vic and Bob since their Channel 4 series and have endless time for their escapades. This said, to describe Shooting Stars inevitably requires frequent and honest use of the term anarchic. It’s a tired cliché when it comes to Messers Moir* & Mortimer but more justified for them than for many other acts to whom it’s applied.

It is Shooting Stars who we have to thank for George & Marjorie Dawes, for Ulrika Jonnson’s otherwise inexplicable popularity and for B3ta’s propensity for the SPANG meme. However I forgive them this.

There is a format for the show... just. There are two teams, captained by (team A) Mark Lamarr, Will Self and Jack Dee and (team B) Ulrika Jonnson; four guest panellists (though team B will often have a semi regular, previously Jonny Vegas and Angelos Epithemiou), a scorekeeper (formerly George or Marjorie Dawes, most recently Angelos Epithemiou), all led by Vic & Bob as the question masters. However questions should be taken in the loosest possible sense: a question could be ‘name a popular fruit’ and if ‘apple’ is given as an answer, the correct answer could well be Graham Norton or vice versa: if Norton is given, apple would be correct. For a contestant to score points seems to be on the whim of the score keeper, if that.

Though this all sounds like a big complaint, the best way to appreciate it is to watch it yourself. Look out for repeats, specifically from the original series where Jarvis Cocker is twatted with a watermelon and from the most recent series, with Jack Dee getting smacked in the face with bacon. Sublime.

*Call yourself a fan if you didn’t need to Google ‘Moir’.

Mock The Week

I wrote this for the Empire Magazine forum top 100 TV shows http://www.empireonline.com/forum/tm.asp?m=2850596

This is a topical news comedy but different from HIGNY in that it primarily (and, I think, solely) has comedians as its panellists, both regular and guest. With Dara O’Briain hosting, all seven are given virtually free reign to make comments on the week’s news events. The highlight of these are Hugh Dennis, Russell Howard and Andy Parsons, the three regulars. (Had I been writing a year ago, I would definitely include Frankie Boyle who would cut very close to the bone, suffered a media shit storm as a result and stepped down of his own volition.)

The show gives all the panellists a chance to air some of their current stand-up routines (so if you are a fan of Live At The Apollo and Michael McIntyre’s Comedy Roadshow et al you may see some crossover) but more often than not the material is fresh and more importantly, funny. I mean, crying with laughter, side-splittingly hysterically funny.

Catch repeats on Dave weekly, and watch out for “Nemo! Where the FUCK have you been?!” Best. Line. EVER.

If were Director General

Now where was I? Oh yes. If I were Director General of the BBC. Cuts, cuts, more cuts and cuts. At least for the trash.

For the chop with no opportunity for dispute or appeal (in no particular order)

• Doctor Who (not only would I say goodbye, I would say good riddance, and thank fuck for that) and associated spin-off shows
• Eastenders (I have a Take No Prisoners approach to all kinds of soaps as well as reality TV programming and 'talent' shows. That is not to say the candidates are talentless morons like on such programmes which will not be mentioned here but they are a comparable format and therefore illegal in Sahara Desert Land*.
• Lord Andrew Lloyd-Webber audition shows
• Strictly Come Dancing
• Holby Shitty
• Casualty
• Film 2010 (unless the Winkleman can be dispatched and replaced with Mark Kermode). Otherwise, turn it into a show where viewers can tweet in abuse to the Winkleman because she knows shit about films.
• Radio 1 unless it can continue to attract life-time BBC fans to the corporation in much the same way it did to me in my formative years. It needs to dispense, with minimal fuss, with the egos of certain presenters, who shall remain nameless. Said presenters are worthwhile presenters on the station but need to get back to their roots. If it can do this, it will be saved. If not: AXED!

This list is neither exhaustive nor definitive and may be subject to change.

Rebranding (in no particular order)

• Masterchef (any iteration) renamed Mastershout in honour of Sir Terrance of Wogan. If Dave Lamb can be enticed away from Channel 4 for the least amount of munnies he will commentate with Sir Wogan, otherwise the job’s Terry’s, no questions asked. He’s already on contract, y’see.

This list is neither exhaustive nor definitive and may be subject to change.

Saved for Life (in no particular order)

• Mock The Week
• University Challenge
• QI
• Top Gear
• Countryfile
• Something For The Weekend
• Saturday Kitchen
• Cookery shows by Nigella, Delia, Valentine Warner, Anjum Anand, Ching-He Huang, Heston Bloodyhell & Raymond Blanc.
• Shooting Stars
• Never Mind The Buzzcocks
• Have I Got News For You
• I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue
• Question Time
• Newsnight

This list is neither exhaustive nor definitive and may be subject to change.

Recommissioned (in no particular order)

• The Fast Show
• In The Night Garden
• Children of the Sun

This list is neither exhaustive nor definitive and may be subject to change.

Regarding Government interference and attacks on the BBC

David Cameron and his inbred, moneyed, entitled cabal of idiots will be told to fuck off when attempting to interfere with any aspect of the corporation. The same will go for publications which wantonly attack the corporation without just cause. You know who you are. Naughty.

Other stuff

• BBC Bristol will be granted a charter of Never Being Even Threatened With Closure.
• David Attenborough shall be crowned King of BBC Bristol
• The move to Manchester will be scrapped.
• Brian Cox and Jim Al Khalili can each have as many series commissioned as they like.
• Science documentaries in general will be prioritised. Although I don’t have qualifications worth shouting about doesn't mean I don't feel I learn anything from watching such shows. In short: just because I don't have the proof, doesn’t mean I don't understand their content.

*Obligatory Sahara Desert Land Tourism Board Statement

"Visit Sahara Desert Land for apoplexy and soapbox ranting. Fun for all the family!"

You do realise I need to cut costs elsewhere to afford to buy back Mad Men off that thieving, bastard Australian, yes? Good.

BBC Licence Fee Freeze - A Response

Yesterday I blogged my letter to Caroline Nokes MP: http://thedesertonthenet.blogspot.com/2010/10/bbc-license-fee-freeze.html


I've had a reply from Ms Nokes and I don't like it.


Thank you for your email of today's date, sent prior to the Chancellor even having confirmed the freeze on the licence fee.

I too am an avid fan of the BBC, I think they make some excellent programmes, and it remains the channel I turn to first for news, both local and national.

However, at a time when we face an unprecedented deficit I do believe it is imperative that all areas of public spending are scrutinised very carefully, and I can see no reason to exempt the BBC from that process. Sadly for too many years the country has spent beyond its means, and we are left in a situation where we are borrowing more than we spend on the NHS and defence combined. We are spending £120m every day on debt interest, that is simply unsustainable.

I would prefer that there was a freeze in the licence fee, and the BBC adapted to the current situation, than there had to be extra tax rises on hard working families.


As kindly requested by 38 Degrees, I have forwarded her response on to them.

Sometimes sponsorship is fun!

Currently in Oxford, some black cabs (or not-so-black) and buses are being sponsored by The Oxford Science Park and as a result, resemble this:

My inner failed sixth form science student LOVES it.

Bought to my attention by http://a-is-for-aspirin.blogspot.com/. Thanks, A is for Aspirin!

BBC Licence Fee Freeze

I had originally planned my next blog entry to be a faux-tirade on what I would do if appointed Director-General of the BBC. That entry will still occur but first I want to post a copy of the email I have just sent off to my MP, Caroline Nokes (Conservative, Romsey & Southampton North) regarding yesterday’s announcement to freeze the License Fee for six years. I used the 38 Degrees tool which has a simple, three-step process for helping constituents email their MP. I highly recommend you make use of it.

http://www.38degrees.org.uk/page/speakout/protect-BBC

I am a self-confessed avid fan of the BBC in its current iteration. I feel I get excellent value for my license fee and find I favour watching shows on its channels than alternative broadcasters, to the point were save one specific programme on ITV, do not watch that channel whatsoever. Furthermore, I have been a life-long listener to BBC Radio stations, as are my parents, be they local or national ones and cannot imagine having to tune into commercial stations.

The proposed freeze on the licence fee for the next six years is ill-advised, unwarranted and along with the corporation now having to fund the World Service and S4C, means a budget slash of 16%, loss of jobs, tightening of belts and ultimately at least the partial degradation of a world-renowned, trusted and established broadcaster.

I urge you, as my representative in parliament, to hear my comments and take a stand against this freeze. I am not alone in my views and I trust you understand my concern.

Memories are Made of This

Recently I tweeted about a brand of cream soda which was so lovely it had me reminiscing about playing in my maternal grandmother's garden. It got me thinking: how wonderful is it that taste can trigger memories? And for that matter, smell?

I'm not going to try and explain how it happens because I don't have the credentials to elaborate and I don't want to come off like some Gillian McKeith idiot.

But for me, along with the cream soda, there are two outstanding products which send me hurtling down memory lane: Christian Dior Hypnotic Poison perfume and iced shortbread topped with a glacé cherry.

The former is a relatively expensive designer scent and has me right back in my childhood home's kitchen playing with my first pet, a black and white rabbit called Thumper. The circumstances over why Thumper was in the kitchen aren't pleasant but for some reason the memory is comforting to me. This is also not say that Dior have ravaged an array of rabbit hutches to create the notes but that there is a certain je ne sais quoi about Hypnotic Poison which I find utterly entrancing.

The shortbread is something I don't need to taste to have the memory return because frankly I can't taste it. It's something I had to eat when I was a teenager when I was recovering from a horrendous experience: my first allergic reaction to penicillin. As a result the very thought of it makes me feel not well at all. Unsurprisingly.

Our senses and memory centres are clever, devious and remarkable set ups.

Lies My Mother Told Me

Inspired by Lucia Van Der Post's tome 'Things I Wish My Mother Had Told Me' (John Murray (Publishers), 2007) and Sue Perkins' tweet of Tuesday 31st August 2010 (www.twitter.com/sueperkins), regarding electricity and buckets, here is the start of a series of potentially believable but ultimately completely inane, lies.

I should add here none of the following should be attributed to my beloved mother unless specifically stated. She may hail from north of the Watford Gap but let's not hold that against her.
Where corporations are named, no libel should be inferred against said corporation. This is in jest. Please don't sue me!

In no specific order:
Clouds can be used as hair mousse when your can has run out. This will only work on foggy mornings when they are low enough to reach unless you're really very tall.

Books which charidee shops can't sell within three months' are returned to the publisher for refurbishment and resale in Waterstones.

If you swallow a fruit seed, said fruit will sprout and grow out of your arse. (Please do attribute this one to my mater. This scared me half to death when I was little.)

Blu-tac is old chewing gum.

There are no ponies. They are merely adolescent horses. Following on, Shetland ponies are really old horses and Shire horses are horses in the prime of life.

Nazis bombed away the bridge that used to span between Southampton and Cowes.

It is possible to see London from two spots on the M25: the QEII bridge and the plasma displays on the wall of the Dartford tunnel.

LCDs stands for 'little candle display'. That's how it's visible in the dark.

Printer ink is so expensive because it's made of crushed diamonds and either saffron (yellow toner), sapphires (cyan toner) or pink Möet et Chandon champagne (magenta toner).

Wifi is magic fairy dust flying between devices at the twelve & 3/4 times the speed of light.

Nintendo is Japanese for special happy disappearing time. Players of the Professor Layton games understand this inherently.

If you have your own you would like to add to this, please leave a comment or tweet me @thesaharadesert

Line painters find a way around road brock

From http://www.salisburyjournal.co.uk/news/8271754.Line_painters_find_a_way_around_road_brock___/?ref=mr

The famous white stripes of the humble badger seem to have been put to an unusual use lately, saving the taxpayer money for paint and council contractors a few seconds on their long days.

Reader Kevin Maul was on his way home from work when he noticed double white lines had been painted on an S bend near the county border on the A338.

Lying sadly amid the fresh paint, however, was a badger who had breathed his last more than a week before.

Mr Maul, who had been posting flyers for his business Lawntender around Fordingbridge and Damerham, said: “I couldn’t quite believe my eyes when I saw him, this poor old badger who had been there over a week.

“I’d seen him every day as I went by and wondered if he was going to be picked up. Then on Friday I drove home to see his body between the lines - they had painted the road, but left a gap where he lay.”

Councillor Mel Kendal, Hampshire County Council’s executive member for environment said: “We would usually liaise with our colleagues at the district council who dispose of animal carcasses on the highways to ensure the badger was removed before the white line painting crew did this stretch of road.

“This appears not to have happened in this case and the white line painting crew did what they thought was best until arrangements could be made to dispose of the carcass.

“These arrangements have now been made and the gap in the white lines will be filled in and at no extra cost to the council taxpayer.”

I love a good joke, me

Four men sat in a pub philosophising about what the fastest thing is. First man says "the fastest thing is a thought because it enters your head without warning."

Second man says "no the fastest thing is a blink because a blink's a reflex and you don't even think about it."

Third man says "no the fastest thing is light. Look at Star Trek and all those sci fi shows for proof."

The fourth man says "you're all wrong, the fastest thing is diaorrhea because last night before I could think blink or turn on the light I'd shat myself." 

Badgers again

Alive this time though.

Heard a report on the radio this morning about this story: http://www.rnli.org.uk/rnli_near_you/news/news_detail?articleid=551761&categoryid= on how a badger got stranded at low tide in Cornwall.

Hurray for the RNLI and mental badgers. Bless.

I need to get out more

This is a true story, so names have been changed to protect the identity of my oldest friend.

Once upon a time, Jane and I were heading to the beach for a day of fun in the sun. During the long journey, their car passed a badger which had sadly gone the way of all flesh presumably at the wheels of a motorised vehicle of some kind. Said deceased omnivore was lying at the side of the road, and in a fit of morbid, disgusting behaviour, Jane and I found the animal's passing to be of humourous occurance. Verily they did laugh, losing approximately a year's worth of karmic brownie points in the process.

Suddenly, Jane, at the wheel of their car and therefore should've been demonstrating more road sense, leaned towards the steering wheel, bent both her arms at the elbow outwards and emitted an audible grunting noise. This, she claimed, was her impression of a dead badger. I, being an easily amused type, found this incredibly funny and proceeded to vocalise her mirth with a trademark cackling laugh, interspersed with high-pitched shrieks. This laugh has the unfortunate side-effect of being infectious and it set Jane off laughing too. For a good ten minutes more in the journey, the pair did laugh so, before the muscular contractions such laughing caused pain and aches they had to stop.

Ever since that fateful day, each time either Jane or I saw a dead badger, or were informed of a badger's passing by a friend or relative who had heard of this 'joke', the other would communicate the find to the other at which point more laughter would ensue.

Epilogue: Jane is since married and yet her beloved husband cannot get his head around the concept of his cherished wife and her childhood friend's 'joke'. Things got worse for the poor husband when I purchased a stuffed toy badger and adoption pack for an injured badger rescue centre for Jane as a present a few years ago. Also, my mother has been subject to the hysterics the sight of a deceased mammal that affects her youngest offspring: mother and daughter were returning home as my car passed the late furry woodland creature and I laughed so much my mother had to tell me off so's to concentrate on driving sensibly.

Alas, poor Jane and I are lavished with odd looks and dispairing shakes of people's heads whenever the pair are together and the subject of the monochrome quadrupeds is brought up.

You had to be there, really.

Sahara Desert's Take on Slap

Ages ago I was asked by a friend my opinion on make up and the application thereof. It seems a waste to let this fester in my archived emails. Some of the links might be out of date, and manufacturers mentioned may have changed the names of the products but details were correct when I wrote it! I'm innocent, guv'nor!

Skin
I've stopped using foundation as I've found I need a combination of 'treatments' for different areas of my skin. Instead, I use Estée Lauder Skin Refinisher

http://www.esteelauder.co.uk/templates/products/sp_nonshaded.tmpl?CATEGORY_ID=CAT20447&PRODUCT_ID=PROD76107

followed by Garnier Pure Long Lasting Shine Control Moisturiser http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?storeId=10052&productId=1359&callingViewName=&langId=-1&catalogId=11051 .

Just because I'm not a teenager doesn't mean I don't suffer with bad skin, and stopping using foundation and using these two products instead mean I can then use Bourjois' own version of the (justly) famous YSL Touche Eclat

( http://www.ysl-parfums.com/toucheeclat-@/produit.jspz?id=681&preferedCateg )

Anticerne pour Petits Matins http://www.bourjois.co.uk/face/concealer/88

under my eyes (I can remember the day I got dark circles - it literally happened over night before I hit double figures - I thought I'd been punched and I'm now resigned to the fact that they're never going away). Both the Bourjois and the YSL concealers come with a bush applicator - twist or click the base to release a small dab of cream into the brush, apply to the required area then blend in by finger. Neither of these (or any of the other alternatives on the market, but I've used both and they're excellent) are just for dark circles either. Use as a general concealer.

On the subject of concealing, each time I've tried to use concealer on a spot or blemish has turned into a disaster. It seems to make the offending blotch stand out more than ever. Sod that. Just do this instead.

Once you've refinished, moisturised and concealed, use a pressed powder. I'm a fan of Bourjois Pastel Teint

http://www.bourjois.co.uk/face/powder/54

For all in the name that is Coco, do not forget your jawline. Blend into your neck and remember to apply a little behind the ear, blending down beneath your earlobe. And believe what the magazines tell you. Test the powder in natural light. The amount of women I've seen with a clear line along their jawline between their powder and their skin is unbelievable, and it's so much more noticable if the colour does not match. Seriously girls, don't make me smack you.

Forgoing foundation also means I've done away with blush too. I always looked like Aunt Sally when I attempted it. Stuff that for a game of monkeys. Moisturiser and powder means my natural cheek colour does the job just as well, plus has the added benefit of colouring the parts of my cheeks which should me, barring a scrap in the pub car park of a Friday night. Too many cola and lemons'll do it to a girl!

However, if you're just too scared of forsaking all foundation, try this. Tinted moisturiser! OMG! No.7 have a nice one

http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=13350&storeId=10052&productId=54963&callingViewName=&categoryId=13362&langId=-1&catalogId=11051

and if you're going down that route then maybe consider a redness cream as well. http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=13350&storeId=10052&productId=15550&callingViewName=&categoryId=13362&langId=-1&catalogId=11051

BUT: these can be cloying so I mix it in with my regular moisturiser beforehand, and reduce the amount of each I use. I don't want to get home at the end of the day and find my face has slid off into my bra. (If you didn't follow that, it was moisturiser + anti redness followed by tinted moisturiser.)

If you still can't face the world without foundation, then I repeat my advice on matching. MATCH YOUR SKIN TONE AND BLEND OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN!

Now, foundation and tinted moisturiser users will need blush else risk looking washed out. First, find out if you're warm or cool. I bet you've seen a hundred articles over the years about your colouring. It's hard to describe but I go by what red lipstick suits me best. I'm a warm so the best red for me has golden and bronze hints in it. If you're cool then purple-based red lipstick looks best on you. If you're stuck, ask a female friend or relative whose opinion you trust. Not value. TRUST. Don't ask someone who's a yes-friend. Next step: unless you're a Scandinavian-blonde, avoid pure pinks altogether. Peaches are better, and are available in warm (golden & bronze) and cool (purplish) shades.

When purchasing, buy a brush too. I know blush comes with an applicator, but it's rubbish, no matter the brand. Remember, it's been mass produced to reduce costs. I'd go so far as to throw away the brush it comes with. Seriously. You need a brush at least 2.5cm in diameter, and not tapered at all, instead with a rounded head. Ruby and Millie and Jemima Kidd both have ranges available in Boots and in case you've been living under a rock for the last decade, Ruby and Jemima are renowned make up artists.
http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=4711&storeId=10052&productId=123972&callingViewName=&categoryId=4789&langId=-1&catalogId=11051

http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=4787&storeId=10052&productId=20765&callingViewName=&categoryId=4789&langId=-1&catalogId=11051

When applying blush, grin like a lunatic. No, I don't mean because it's a fun exercise (it might turn you on, I'm not going to judge you, you weirdo) but because grinning like a Cheshire Cat will show you where the 'apples' of your cheeks are. First. 'load' the brush with the blush then shake off (not blow) the excess powder. (Shaking will remove more particles than blowing, and it's a hell of a lot easier to build up colour than to start over again.) Position the centre of the brush over the centre of the 'apple', and swirl round in a circle just once. This prevents you going mental with the colour. Next, take your mirror to the window or the nearest to natural light you have and check you don't look like Aunt Sally. If it's not enough, repeat. Check the result in between each 'swirl' and stop when you like the result. If you're not sure, ask that friend or relative who won't lie to you.

Eyes
If you're trying eyeshadow (and eye make up in general), keep it simple. Go here

http://www.loreal-paris.co.uk/cosmetics/eyes/made-for-me-naturals-trios.aspx

and work out which is the best colour for you. (I've got blue eyes and brown hair so use

http://www.loreal-paris.co.uk/cosmetics/eyes/made-for-me-naturals-trios/made-for-me-naturals-trios-light-brunette.aspx

because the blue eyes counteract the dark brown hair.) In other words, pay attention to what L'Oréal is recommending but tailor it to your own appearance - blue eyes and dark brown hair isn't the most common combination.

Ignore the brow highlighting cream (and I'll start on your eyebrows in a bit anyway) and stick to the two pressed powders to begin with. Using the sponge applicator included (these are fine!) apply the lighter shade over the upper lid up to the brow. I tend to start on the lid, and work from the middle out, but that may be because any minor mistakes I make can be hidden with my glasses. Flip the sponge over and apply the dark shade. Start at the outside, on the lid, directly above the eyelashes and blend in and up towards the middle, staying only on the lid.

For the keep it simple brigade, forget about eyeliner when making up for venturing into public. Even with a cotton bud or twenty on hand to dab at any mistakes, it shows, even with kohl. However, I would recommend practice, practice, private practice. Invest in a gentle eye make up remover, cotton buds and cotton pads as well as a brown liquid liner. Why no kohl? Because it's rubbish for upper lid lining, and lining lower lids is for when you want to look scary and/or dramatic. Wipe excess liner off the brush (that's a point I missed - buy liner with a brush applicator rather than a felt-tip pen-style applicator) and start from the outside and draw inwards. Obviously there's a little more art to this. I suggest holding the brush with the hand opposite to the eye you're lining. This means your dominant hand isn't bent back on itself when lining the eye of that side. Place the tip of the brush at the outer corner of the upper lid of the eye, parallel to the lid, above the lashes. Draw inwards, following the lash line, tapering to a point above where your thicker lashes end. The pressure you place on the brush will dictate the thickness of the line, and you will be shaky to start. Hence the gentle eye make up remover, cotton buds and cotton pads. To ease the shakes, put down the espresso martini and rest your elbows on a table, dresser or similar, when practising.

Recommendations
Bourjois Liner Pinceau http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/liner/10

Decent brush, flowing liquid so it doesn't get stodgy.
Ruby & Millie Metallic I-Writer http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=4949&storeId=10052&productId=7686&callingViewName=&categoryId=5004&langId=-1&catalogId=11051

Twist-up liners in a variety of colours

I probably told you before, but Bourjois cosmetics are made by the same people as Chanel cosmetics. This is a Good Thing in my books.

I once read that mascara is the only make up that can be worn on its own. I tried it and my sister extracted the urea from me. But then I only ever wear black mascara. You beginners should start on brown mascara, and if you're wearing it with liner, always match the liner to the mascara. I tend just to apply mascara to the upper lashes only. I only think I can get away with mascara on the lower set if I've kohl-lined my lower lids. That's not a regular occurance, trust me. Applying mascara in my case is a two-handed task. The hand of the eye I'm mascara-ing can do the lashes towards the middle of my eye, but not the edges, unless I wipe the stem of the applicator on my skin, and that's not an attractive option, considering I wipe excess mascara on my cheek like that. Ick. So, swap hands, point the tip of the wand towards the edge of the face and coat the outer lashes.

No matter which brand of mascara I'm using, I find that I can create a kind of false-liner effect thus: when you place the brush on your lashes at the start, gently wiggle the wand ever so slightly from side to side. Little bit of extra volume and effect. This reminds me: apply the mascara to your top lashes with your eye open, so from underneath, not eye closed, on top. This stops you accidently getting mascara on your eyeshadow. However, by all means when you've done the majority of the lashes with eye open, shut your eye, and apply a little more from the middle of the lash to the end. This keeps the wand away from your eyeshadow, but because you've already done the lashes eye-open, means you don't have to worry about missing the roots.

This next part is important, and also links back to the warning I mentioned about eyebrows. Apparently they frame a face, and even if not, they (along with tidy nails) make someone look like they care about their appearance even if there isn't a trace of make-up. How does this tie into mascara? Easy. Get an eyelash brush. For goodness sake, after you've applied your mascara, comb through your lashes before the mascara dries. Combing them after they've dried is not a good idea as the mascara sticks lashes together, the comb pulls on them, therefore your eyelid and the end result is the discomforting sound of a damp smacking sound as your eyelid thwacks back against your eyeball. Nice. Combing reduces clumps and tidies up your work. I recommend Ruby & Millie's lash comb and brow brush combo. Folds away neatly, and the mascara wand-style brow brush gives the best brow tidy-up I've ever had. I can't find the product on its own, but it's seen here

http://www.kaboodle.com/reviews/ruby-millie-eye-lash-kit

as part of a kit, and I can't comment on the curler, being a traditional lash curling girl.

Recommendations
Maybelline Great Lash http://www.maybelline.co.uk/PRODUCTS/Eyes/MASCARA/Great_Lash.aspx

Highly acclaimed and rightly so. A decent, suit-all product.
Bourjois Coup De Theatre http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/mascara/1

A false lash effect that actually works.
Bourjois Volume Glamour http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/mascara/96

See Maybelline's Great Lash, but with added oomph means nice thick lashes
Bourjois Pump Up The Volume http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/mascara/2

See Maybelline's Great Lash, less oomph than Volume Glamour but a longer appearance
No.7 Lash 360 http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=13350&storeId=10052&productId=48862&callingViewName=&categoryId=13363&langId=-1&catalogId=10551

As Volume Glamour but even thicker lashes!
Max Factor Masterpiece Beyond Length http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=4949&storeId=10052&productId=125236&callingViewName=&categoryId=4996&langId=-1&catalogId=11051

Frankly the best mascara I've ever tried. Thicker and longer lashes. Surprised I could still blink, really.

Please bear in mind these reviews are based on me being one of the hated few with lashes which mean I can get away mascara-less. Bwhahaha etc.

For the more colour-confident of you, my rules on colours of eyeshadow to wear are simple. Stick to the colours of your wardrobe (with in reason). For me, that means the eyeshadows I have are metallic greys, pinks and greens. I wrote 'within reason' because my wardrobe also consists of black, red and cream, and I don't fancy looking like an emo, stye-sufferer or reverse panda. I tend to wear these more colourful palettes for evenings out, and often around wintertime - this latter reason especially with the greys and greens. The pinks are a rarity for me - I feel it's a tougher colour to wear as eyeshadow (pinkeye, anyone?) but makes me feel chirpy and ready to irritate anyone.

Recommendations
Bourjois Effet Lumiere trio http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=1716&storeId=10052&productId=1381&callingViewName=&categoryId=7238&langId=-1&catalogId=10551

Especially Les Argents (grey trio) and Les Bruns (brown trio) which is a nice set of bronze colours ideal for use with a tan.
Bourjois Little Round Pot http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/shadow/74

Nicely blendable. Beige Rosé 08 is an ideal base colour for all-over lid coverage. Noir Emeraude 07 is a smoky dark green shadow which I use (over a paler green shade) in a thin line right above my lashes, topped off with liner. Argent 25 is a lovely silvery grey.
Barry M Dazzle Dust http://www.barrym.com/products/product.asp?id=77

Sold in Superdrug, where inevitably the little chavs and their Croydon facelifts have made the stand look a mess. However, it's worth getting your fingers a little bit grubby as these are stunning iridescent loose powders in a wide range of colours.

I use dd58 Candy and dd64 Fuchsia together on my lid, on top of the Bourjois Beige Rosé, finished with a thin line of black liner. Trust me, I find the black liner tones down the overall OMGSHETHINKSSHE'S16-factor brilliantly. My other two faves are dd72 Emerald and dd16 Dark Green. To go with any pots of Dazzle Dust you might buy, I recommend tissues and cosmetic cotton buds

http://www.alibaba.com/product-gs/203415741/cotton_buds_70R_make_up.html

Cosmetic buds are ideal for these powders as the flat end can be used for applying the paler colours and blending, the pointed end for darker colours and creating liner-effects. Back to the powders. As I wrote - these are loose powders so you'll inevitably sprinkle the colour on your cheek when applying with the buds, so place a tissue under your eye first. I've had incidents when I've got the colour on my skin, brushed if off with my hand and ended up with stunning green smears across my face, dagnabbit! A tissue works better than any beauty editor who's told you to brush loose face powder on your cheek first, so you can later brush away any spills - she's a lying cow who doesn't know her AHAs from her botulism.

Now, you probably think by now I abhor all things kohl, but it's just not true. I think they're for the more confident eye make up wearer, and I poo-pooed them when I was talking about eyeshadow for starters. I have a good few kohl pencils and below are my recommendations. I use all of them very sparingly underneath my lower lashes, dabbing a little colour at the outer corner then smudging in towards the middle with one of the best inventions ever, the Eye Smudge

http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=4711&storeId=10052&productId=809&callingViewName=&categoryId=4789&langId=-1&catalogId=11051

This blends the colour so it gets fainter as it progresses inwards.

Recommendations
Bourjois Regard Pailleté Glitter Pencils http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/liner/98

Utterly girly and good fun, I go for the black.
Bourjois Metallic Eye Pencils http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/liner/118

Less showy than the glitter version, the green is nicely subtle.

There is one exception to my rule of using coloured kohls, and it's this: the classic Bourjois Noir et Blanc

http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/liner/11

Use the white in the inner corners of the eyes to brighten for an evening out or a pick-me-up, and the black on my lower lids above the lashes. This is the fun part of make-up - pencilling the kohl along the lower lid by pulling the lid down with one hand and trying not to get the kohl inside the eyelid thus making you cry for the day / night. I type from experience.

Lips
I don't ever bother with liner - it's too much hassle and I don't want to look like someone who lays on her back for a living. If you want to though, for goodness sake never, ever choose a colour darker than your lipstick or gloss. You will look like you work in Las Vegas. At any rate, I have small lips so I rarely crowd them with a heavy colour because it only serves to make them appear even smaller. It's a general rule of thumb with colours - the darker a colour the smaller its 'canvas' will appear. I mean, would you paint your hallway burgundy? Not unless you lived in a country pile!

Which reminds me of something else I read once. If you're going all out on your eyes, pull back on the lips, and vice versa. Dynasty can't be spelt without 'nasty', your name's not Joan Collins.

Recommendations
Estée Lauder High Gloss http://www.esteelauder.co.uk/templates/products/sp_shaded.tmpl?CATEGORY_ID=CAT2962&PRODUCT_ID=PROD71783

A great non-sticky tint and shine gloss.
Bourjois Effet 3D http://www.bourjois.co.uk/lips/gloss/65

A sucess since launch. easy-to-use brush-on gloss with wide range of shades.
L'Oréal Color Riche http://www.loreal-paris.co.uk/_en/_gb/beauty-filter/index.aspx?category=Cosmetics_Lips&topics=BF_Color_Riche

Subtle colours which aren't sticky
L'Oréal Glam Shine 6H http://www.loreal-paris.co.uk/_en/_gb/beauty-filter/index.aspx?category=Cosmetics_Lips&topics=BF_Glam_Shine

A light gloss which does what it says on the tin but doesn't stain your lips.

I might be teaching you to suck eggs now but any lipstick or gloss looks appalling on dry and/or cracked lips. I'm a hypocrite in telling you not to chew / bite your lips but don't. They get sore and saliva dries the skin out. Buy a lip balm and keep it with you as much as possible, so if you don't always tote a handbag around with you, buy a few of tubes, one for your bag, one for car, one for office - so the places you spend the most time. A little costly but I am the moron who has four main handbags on rotation, each ready-packed with mirror, emery board, matching umbrella, purse and coin purse (each with a set of change for parking). Do what you feel is sane.

Recommendations
Palmer's Cocoa Butter Formula http://www.etbrowne.com/products/Collection.aspx?CollectionID=27

Smells of heaven (or at least heavenly), has SPF15. In fact, Palmer's do an amazing range of moisturisers, including a shimmery cream which is better and cheaper than Nivea's much-hyped version.
Sally Hansen 24 Hour Lip Treatment http://www.sallyhansen.com/product.cfm?product=12

Creamy smooth, discreet tube.
Chapstick Classic http://www.chapstick.com/classic/index.asp

If I remember rightly, this is cheaper than both the Palmer's and Sally Hansen products, and a good alternative. Not my first choice, however.

Quick Rant

Work blocked two of my favourite websites today! OH NOES! What will I read now?

Charity Event

Tickets now on sale for the Naomi House Eastleigh Committee's Pig Racing on Friday 14th May at 7.30pm. £7 adult ticket, £4 child ticket or £20 family ticket (2 adults & 2 children). Price includes a Ploughman's.

Evening also includes Guess the Name of the Dog (50p per go) and a raffle &/or auction. Prizes include donations from Paultons Park, Beaulieu Motor Museum, Southampton FC, Fleming Park Leisure Centre, David Lloyd, Longdown Activity Farm, Romsey Fotografix and Cook Academy ( www.cookacademy.co.uk ) Venue Eastleigh Irish Club, Station Hill (opposite Eastleigh Central train station).

Leave a comment for tickets and/or posters to help us advertise the event, with your questions or follow me on Twitter, username @thesaharadesert .