The Desert on the Net

Tastes like chicken...

2012-01-30T14:16:00.008Z

The glorious Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half fame wrote a blogpost in 2010 which featured a drawing in her own inimitable style that has spawned a meme.

Meanwhile, earlier I was browsing Imgur when I came across this utter beauty of an image.

TIME FOR ME TO MAKE MY FIRST EFFORT AT A MEME!

Sherlock: The Reichenbach Fall

2012-01-21T22:05:00.002Z

Earlier this week Steven Moffat took a turn for the irritating when he told the Radio Times that he'd read a lot of the theories about the apparent demise of Sherlock Holmes which have set the internet ablaze since 10:30pm Sunday 15th January.

I firmly believe(d?) that Molly had something to do with a body swap between Holmes and Moriarty. I've read this week about theories of stopping heartbeats with a squash ball and/or a rhododendron chemical.

But if these are the same theories which Mr Moffat is stating are incorrect and missing important details, then I think it's one of three things.

One: Moffat is antagonising us for shits and giggles. Naughty Steven, tut tut.

Two: I haven't the fucking foggiest and will not be looking forward to the predicted TWO YEAR WAIT for series three.

Three: there's something wrong with the timeline. The episode opens with John Watson in a counselling session with a therapist. After the titles, a caption on screen says 'Three months earlier' (sorry if this wording isn't verbatim). Moriarty's trial occurs six weeks later.

If the trial lasts at least two days (the jurors return to a hotel room at least once where they're blackmailed), then Moriarty visits Sherlock at the earliest six weeks, two days after the three break-ins.

We are now five weeks, five days before Watson's counselling session.

The next time indicator on screen, bringing us up to Watson being delivered to Mycroft's club, reads 'two months later'.

That would mean we're a little shy of three weeks AFTER the counselling session.

So. I've either misread the times on screen or the timeline in the narrative is screwed.

What say you, Mssrs Moffat and Gatiss? Am I on completely the wrong track and even more off-course than those theories already hammered out on myriad message boards across the Sherlock-obsessing world?

Guest Blogging across the Webbyverse

2011-12-08T13:00:00.000Z

Recently I was asked to write a regular column for an up and coming style blog, Fashion Worked.

The column is called Sack the Stylist, and each week I cast a critical eye over an outfit which someone has chosen to inflict on the world.

You can see my columns here: Sack the Stylist. Aren't you lucky?!

If you want to write for Fashion Worked too, contact them at @fashionworked.

Shooting Stars: A Response

2011-11-30T12:50:00.001Z

I got on my high horse about the cancellation of Shooting Stars recently.

I received a response from Auntie on Thursday 24th November.

Thanks for contacting us regarding 'Shooting Stars.'

We understand you're unhappy the series has been decommissioned.

'Shooting Stars' has been a great addition to the BBC Two schedule, however, we regularly have to make difficult decisions with regard to which shows to commission and unfortunately sometimes they will prove to be unpopular with sections of the audience. In future there will be less space on BBC Two for comedy/entertainment panel shows so sadly 'Shooting Stars' won't be returning. We'd like to thank Vic and Bob for everything they've brought to the channel over the years.

Thanks once again for contacting us.

Grrr.

My Name Is

2011-11-21T13:10:00.005Z

Thanks to Jenny the Bloggess's tweet of Saturday, I too have had a mini rant about people getting my name wrong. It's on "hello my fucking name is", (click) but if you can't access that site because of all the expletives, I have recreated it here for your delectation. Bon appetit!

My name is Sarah. It has been for over thirty years thanks to my parents. Most people have their parents to thank for their name.

However, despite this, my mother often gets it wrong. I'm the youngest of three: my brother Simon is six years my senior and Samantha (Sam) is five years older. Simon gets called Simon by our mother. Good for him. Sam gets called Si- Sam. Mum's train of thought for remembering her children's names must go chronologically. Ergo, I get called Si-Sam-Sarah. Always have done. Love you too, Mum.

Through my life, I have encountered many people who ask if my name is with a H or without. It's with. WITH! If it weren't, I’d be Sara, pronounced Sarr-rarr. Stupid people. That's a completely different name.

However, things took a surreal turn six years ago. I got a job in a call centre. I have targets to hit, partly made up of quality checks. To hit my quality scores, I have to say certain things including introducing myself. (That's pretty much common courtesy anyway.) In my time in the job, I've been called the following, by customers and colleagues alike:

Sharon – Okay. It starts with the same letter. I can cope with a little brain fart.
Amanda – Weirdly, quite a few different people call me this. I must 'look' or 'sound' like an Amanda.

I can’t work out the train of thought in these:
Tracy
Charlotte
Rebecca
Ginny
Elizabeth

Don't they listen?! I'm Sarah! SARAH! It's an easy, common name! DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU!

Shooting Stars

2011-11-18T11:33:00.007Z

You may be aware of the terrible news this week that the BBC are not commissioning any further series of Shooting Stars. I found out from Bob Mortimer's tweet on Tuesday, and here's the BBC news report to rub it in a little more. (I know in the grand scheme of things, it pales in comparison to war, famine et al.)

This has made me an unhappy bunny. I'm not alone either. On the Twitters, a flurry of tweets from famous types including such luminaries as Al Murray, Peter Serafinowicz and and Mark Gatiss hit the mark much more succinctly than my own "WT FUCKING F?! This makes not #POTBBC :-(". (#POTBBC is a hashtag which stands for 'Proud of the BBC'.)

Inspired by the official Shooting Stars Twitter account (click for the tweet), I have logged a complaint with Auntie:

I am extremely dismayed to learn of the corporation's decision not to commission further series of Shooting Stars.

First, let me state that I am a great supported of the BBC in all its formats & firmly believe the cuts foisted upon it by the Tories are abhorrent & uncalled-for.

However, Messrs Moir & Mortimer are two of the UK's greatest surreal comedians who deserve better treatment than this. Their show is hysterical to say the least. Their treatment of celebrities is irresistible yet by cancelling the programme, will be.

Although other panel shows such as Mock The Week and Have I Got News For You provide much-needed levity in these severe times, they do not fill the niche which ‘Stars does. It is unique, original and fantastically absurd. Where else can one view a full half-hour of such outside of an Eddie Izzard or Bill Bailey concert?

I urge you to seriously reconsider the decision, taking into consideration the argument that Shooting Stars is hardly a panel show in the general sense of the term.

Want to join in? You can contact the corporation directly here. I don't see the harm in you taking part in the Radio Times' poll here either.

I know. I can't believe it either.

A change in circumstances

2011-11-01T09:49:00.004Z

I’m currently experiencing something I never have before, but which many before me have and will in the future. It’s stressful, not entirely unexpected and certainly not wanted.

In April, I will be made redundant. My employers are moving the offices to Surrey. I can’t commute that distance and I don’t want to move out of the area.3

I’m certainly not happy about it but I understand the thinking behind it. I thoroughly enjoy my job despite the odd oddball here and there. I can say with absolutely certainty that my employer is the best one I’ve worked for to date. I’ve been employed by good and mediocre organisations before so I know and appreciate what I’ve got here.

When I leave I’ll have been in this job for over seven years, where I’ve made friends, laughed a lot and learnt plenty. I’ll exit with more experience, obviously, and a veritable wedge of certificates from the many training courses provided by the company. Will this happen elsewhere?

Anybody want an administrator / call centre monkey?!

"Gizza job!"

Nails Inc.

2011-08-02T17:05:00.002+01:00

Last week, one seemingly fed-up Nails Inc. customer started a bit of a mini-avalanche on their Facebook page in regard to their freight charges. They offer a choice of freight options: free if you spend £50 or more (before freight); Royal Mail at £4.95; or DPD couriers at £5.95.

Nails Inc. customers are already paying £11 per bottle of varnish, which is a lot but the quality is there. However this customer complained that the freight is a lot in addition to the cost of the polishes, which I assume (note: I do not know for certain) do not cost anywhere near that to manufacture.

Various people, commented that they could ship a bottle or two via Royal Mail (including packaging) for a fraction of the freight charge Nails Inc. offer for the same service. I believe this. I use Royal Mail for mailing packages for friends’ birthdays and Christmas at various locations around the UK.

At least twice, Nails Inc. countered this increasing number of complaints with the following statement:

Many thanks to everyone for their comments regarding postage on www.nailsinc.com We are taking these very seriously and will feedback as soon as we can.

Yet still the complaints came. Yesterday, their response to this was:

Thank you again to everyone for the feedback on our postage and packaging. We would like to confirm that we have not increased the cost for delivery – the cost remains at £4.95. We have changed to ‘Royal Mail Tracked’ which is still an excellent recorded delivery service.

Which did not go down well. I decided to enter the fray as well, with a piece of my mind left on Facebook;

You might as well just charge us £5 and come clean that you're shafting your customers.
Why not take the lead from other online retailers such as Amazon who offer a variety of delivery options?
I didn't take advantage of the latest Lucky Dip because your delivery costs seem to be non-negotiable.
You said you would listen to your customers (your source of revenue) but less than a week later you're not doing a thing to help us help you maintain your sales.
I think your polishes are really fantastic but on Friday I went to Boots instead & treated myself to three just-as-lovely No.7 colours instead.

and this post.

Why this post? Because last week during the initial set of complaints, I noticed one user complaining about the poor customer service provided by Nails Inc. I too have been on the receiving end of this, and would like to share it with you. (I have removed the majority of pleasantries for the sake of brevity.)

From: Sarah
Sent: 14 January 2011 11:10
To: customerservice@nailsinc.com; support@nailsinc.com
Subject: Email Address Amendment
Importance: High
I have registered for email newsletters using my personal email address,
personal.email@genericISP.com, this morning, then created an account to place an
order but the system would not accept my personal email address again and I've had to use my work address, work.email@genericcompany.com . I then tried to amend the address in my profile to my personal address which was rejected again on the grounds of duplication.

Please can you arrange for my account profile to be amended so the address is personal.email@genericISP.com.

From: support@nailsinc.com
18/01/2011 15:59
Thank you very much for sending us these details through. I have passed this on to our web team to rectify for you.

From: Sarah
Sent: 11 February 2011 09:17
I am still unable to change my address. Please advise.

From: support@nailsinc.com
15/01/2011 10:28
We have passed you query through to the web team again to see what their progress is with updating your address.
I apologise if this is taking longer than we expected.

From: customerservice@nailsinc.com
23/03/2011 10:17
We apologise for the delay in getting back to you on this.
We were told that this email amendment had been made by our web team but as you say it obviously has not been changed. We have put this case through to them again to resolve and they will come back to us as soon as they can. In the meantime, if you would like to make a phone order with us for any of our products online please give me a call on 0203 405 1451.
Thank you for your patience on this matter and we hope to resolve this soon.

From: Me
01/04/2011 18:25
To whom it may concern.
Further to the below issue which is still not resolved (as originally requested on Friday 14th January 2011) I now have a further problem. This morning I received the latest newsletter and a discount code as my birthday is this month. I appreciate the
discount and already know what I will use it on.
However when I logged into the site this evening, my account no longer shows me as an Ultimate Reward Scheme member (which was purchased on 14th January, order reference [redacted]).
Nor do any of my previous orders* appear in the order history.
As a result my accumulated Ultimate Reward Scheme points are not available to me at
the checkout.
Please can you ensure that my account is rectified as soon as possible, and my missing points returned to me.
*The missing orders are: [redacted for brevity]
I look forward to hearing from you on Monday 4th April.

You may be able to tell from the final email I had lost my temper at this stage. Also there are no further emails as they did not reply on 4th April, I ended up calling them instead to find out what had happened.

This is where it gets silly.

Because my personal email address was already on their files from when I signed up for the newsletter, they transferred all my order history and Ultimate Reward Scheme details over, rather than simply changing the address on my account from my work one to my personal one.

Also, it took from 14th January until 1st April for Nails Inc. to rectify this. The only thing in their favour is their politeness in dealing with me. Yes, they responded to my repeated emails in a timely manner and courteously but I wonder would my problem had been fixed if I had not persisted in chasing it. I never got an email from them which was unprompted by me.

You're lying to me

2011-05-24T16:46:00.003+01:00

Customers. I love them. On the whole the people I have to deal with are friendly, personable and understanding members of society. They understand that I am not a disembodied voice without feelings and I think the same of them.

Unfortunately it has often been my experience that you always remember the odd horrid caller because it sticks out in one's memory. These are the ones who make you grumble about your day come vodka O'clock.

I know it can't be all bad, I've been doing this job for over six years now. But it's conversations such as this which get me down.

Female caller "Hi, I'm calling to chase an order for trial products placed with you."
Me: "No problem. Do you know on what date they were ordered?"
FC: "Um... I have an order number here?"
Me: "Okay. The number is...?"

The caller reads out a number to me which is not a number I recognise. It should be 8 digits long, beginning with a 2. I explain this to her.

Me: "Do you know roughly when the order was placed? Perhaps in the last week? This month?"
FC: "This month, definitely."
Me: "Okay, let me just look up May's orders. The consumer's surname is...?"
FC: "Jones."*
Me: "I'm sorry, there aren't any orders this month for that name. Which product was ordered? Maybe I can locate the order that way."

She tells me the product, parameters and pack size.

Me: "Unfortunately there aren't any orders on your account for that consumer name or item. Would you like to place an order with me now?"

I hear a bit of a scuffle as the female caller passes the receiver onto her male colleague, whom I recognise as the owner of the store.

Owner: "Why is the order not on my account?! I have an order number here for it, I was offered free trials for the product as I was told the revenue boxes were out of stock!"
Me: "I apologise. Let me double check for you. Please can you tell me the parameters again?"

The owner tells me and I see that there are no trial or revenue packs which match the consumer name or parameters and I explain this to the customer. He repeats that he was offered trials because he was told the revenue packs were out of stock.

Often a caller will snap at us because they are trying to save face in front of their consumers. As politely as I could, I explained to this caller that the product in question is our most popular item which rarely goes out of stock in either revenue or trial packs. Unfortunately on this occasion it makes the owner flip. He then snaps at me and refuses to believe that we generally do not have out of stock issues with this product.

Tellingly, though, he says he will call back and slams the receiver down rather than placing an order with me. I have interpreted this as he cannot get away with a complete about-face with me regarding the way he has just lost his temper, but will be able to act as nice as pie with the next person he speaks with here and will place a seemingly regular order for the trial product.

I have a bit of a catch for him. It is not unusual for my colleagues and me to send a group email out to one another warning of a potentially irate caller on the warpath. I have done this because it's pretty much all I can do. It takes an extraordinarily nasty caller to have a team leader telephone them back and give them what for.

*It's not Jones.

Never Argue with a Woman

2011-03-08T11:15:00.001Z

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.""Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.

What’s a hashtag?

2011-03-04T11:07:00.003Z

What’s a hashtag?

If you tweet "I am watching Mythbusters LOL" tap on that tweet, you will see no blue text meaning there is a link like an URL or similar.

If you tweet "This is the website that was just on Mythbusters www.lolz.com", tap on that tweet and you will see the web address itself is a hyperlink as it does in MS Word.

If you tweet "I am watching #Mythbusters LOL", tap on that tweet, you will see that the word Mythbusters and the preceding hash symbol have turned blue. The hash symbol preceding any combination of letters and numbers will turn those into a kind of hyperlink provided there are no spaces or other punctuation marks (@!"£$%^&*()\<>?:@~}{][#’;,./¬€).

This is called a hashtag. *cue angelic choir*

No, a hashtag.

If you press the hashtag from your (or any tweet containing one) it will then bring up, in chronological order starting with the most recent, all tweets containing that hashtag. That timeline of tweets will mostly be about the same subject. That is also why hashtags tend to be made of words which will define the search better than others.

Imagine if you wanted to do a Google search on ‘Mythbusters television show’ and typed in ‘television show’. That would bring back results on myriad programmes and not the one you wanted. If you typed in ‘Mythbusters television show’ then it would narrow down to relevant results. The same goes for hashtags. If you tweet "I am watching Mythbusters #television show LOL" or "I am watching Mythbusters television #show LOL" your tweets would not be as relevant to the programme as tweeting "I am watching #Mythbusters television show LOL".

Why should I tweet with a hashtag?

To best explain this, remember that Twitter is a social networking site. Though it is not face to face, users are interacting with each other socially through a network. You add a hashtag to your tweet if you want it to be seen by other users who are searching on that hashtag, so you connect with a wider network than just those whom you follow and follow you.

Are hashtags used only for television shows?

No. I have used television as an example but hashtags can be used for anything. If you hashtag something uncommon or spelt incorrectly, your tweet might be the only result in the timeline.
Does a hashtag have to be a single word?

No. It can be any words, any combination of letters and/or numbers up to 139 characters long. Although tweets are up to 140 characters long, if you want your whole tweet to be a hashtag, you need one character for the hash symbol itself.

Can my hashtag contain upper and lowercase letters?

Yes. It can be all lower case, all upper case or a combination of both. Personally I find if you are creating a hashtag out of two or more words, I capitalise the start of each word to make it easier to read each individual word, e.g. #ThisIsAHashtag

I see some television shows are displaying a hashtag on screen at the start of programmes. What’s that about?

Increasingly more and more live transmissions are getting audience feedback and input (such as questions for a guest) via Twitter. By displaying a hashtag on screen, it encourages viewers to use the same hashtag instead of a variety, all of which are perfectly relevant but would mean the show would have to keep refreshing the timeline on several hashtags, and might not capture all the hashtags in use. Of course this does not prevent viewers from ignoring the onscreen prompt but know that the people working on the show probably won’t see what you think about the programme.

There are some pre-recorded programmes which also display a hashtag. Again the people working on the show are probably gaining feedback but the tweets will not have any effect on the programme you are watching at that time.

Some programmes with hashtags displayed on screen

Question Time #BBCQT
Newsnight #Newsnight
Have I Got News For You #BBCHIGNFY (this is an example of the programme makers coming up with a hashtag for its vierwers to use without looking to see if one was already in use, which it was: #HIGNFY, and I noticed during the latest series, both hashtags being used as much as the other)
10 O’Clock Live #10OClockLive

Other unofficial programme hashtags

Top Gear #TopGear
Wonders of the Solar System & Wonders of the Universe #Wonders (this did not appear on screen during the broadcast of Wonders of the Solar System but Professor Brian Cox has tweeted himself that #Wonders is the hashtag for both shows)
Glee #Glee
Something For The Weekend #SFTW (this show asks its viewers to submit questions to the guests by tweeting an @reply to their account @SFTW, without seeming to realise they can get the same by using the unofficial hashtag)
The Big Bang Theory #TBBT
The IT Crowd #TheITCrowd
My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding #BigFatGypsyWedding / #BFGW

I recommend trial and error to find out what the common hashtag is for your chosen viewing.

Now I’m watching a live broadcast of Newsnight, what do I get out of putting the #Newsnight hashtag in my tweet?

Press the hashtag in your tweet to bring up the timeline of fellow users tweeting during the duration (or even after) of the show. You can then refresh this by dragging down the timeline the same way you refresh your general timeline. You then get to read what fellow viewers think of the show. It’s like dissecting a programme at the water cooler the next day but without having to wait then find a colleague who has seen the same programme.

Note: This was written using Mythbusters as an example as the person I wrote it for LOVES that programme.

Atlas and Alcohol

2010-11-05T16:24:00.005Z

Last month, my employers had a fun day with various competitions, one of which was to design a contact lens poster. Based on the Farnese Atlas, I substituted the globe for a contact lens side on, and won a bottle of plonk for my troubles!

(Click for bigger.)

I later consumed it and tripped over my bed on my way to bed. Good job my bed was there to break my fall. Oops.

Hateful Customer

2010-11-05T13:12:00.005Z

I had a happy experience this week. Happy in the sense that, well, it wasn’t at all happy. As I have mentioned, I work in customer services, processing orders and dealing with myriad customer issues. I like doing my job, I take pride in it and I have said on more than one occasion that I wish to treat my customers as I would like to be treated myself (I have very high standards when it comes to being a customer). I have completed two award levels through the Institute of Customer Services (http://www.instituteofcustomerservice.com/) and coached two more people to success in the same award.

I answered a call on Tuesday from a customer who wished to speak with my employer’s sales director. Following procedure (set in place to filter cold callers etc) I directed his call to one of two other colleagues who take any requests to speak to the MD or a director, neither of whom were at their desk. Rather than dump my caller onto voicemail, I offered to take his telephone number and pass his request on so someone would call him back.

At this point he demanded to know where my organisation’s head office is (USA), their telephone number, my name and the names of the staff (the team leaders who oversee customer services) who have told me I have to try these two colleagues for calls such as his.

Unfortunately for him, due to protestors, my organisation has a no-names policy, which in my case I am not allowed to divulge my (or any colleagues’) surname. He informs me he will be telephoning my organisation’s head office to get one or both of the team leaders fired for not letting me put his call directly through to the Sales Director or the MD (whom he has now requested to speak with as well).

He then proceeds to tell me a long-winded story about how he was pressured into attending an interview with one of the armed forces way back when, how one of the interviewers (a brigadier, if I recall) said something which he took as an insult, and how to exact revenge for this slight, later called said officer a rank below that which he was. Can you say petty?

The point of my caller’s story was thus: if I can’t think for myself, and if I can’t think to ignore the instructions laid down for me then I should tell my superiors where they could stick their rules and resign.

Yes, this customer was telling me to leave my paid employment (of over five years), in this financial climate, with the daily horror stories coming out on the news about forthcoming private sector job losses, with no job to move onto, solely because he couldn’t speak to the person he wanted and because I wouldn’t (and couldn’t*) do anything about it except remain calm, listen to all he had to say without interruption and repeat my offer to have someone return his call as soon as.
I don’t think so.

If I hadn’t been so angry I’m positive I’d have been in tears. You may say, oh, what an adult reaction. Indeed, however in the time I’ve done this job, taking 150 calls a day (approximate average) I’ve cried once over awkward customers, once when I was new and a bag of nerves.

*I couldn’t because we don’t have an official receptionist so calls which would ordinarily be dealt with by that role (such as this one) are dealt with by my customer service colleagues and me. (I will iterate here that I am not a receptionist and I have a bloody good idea of what that role entails, it actually being my previous salaried role. In the call centre environment I am employed in, I have specific, measurable targets to meet.) Reception-style calls as efficiently as possible using the two staff members who filter such calls on our behalf.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

2010-11-02T16:40:00.004Z

I wrote this for the Empire Magazine forum top 100 TV shows http://www.empireonline.com/forum/tm.asp?m=2850596

I was interested in this premise ever since the much-derided (and rightly so) film was released with Kirsty Swanson in the titular role. I never had the chance to see that when released but always wanted to see it even after seeing my first few episodes of the series (Season 2, episodes The Pack and Go Fish, to be precise) to see how it fitted in.

The premise is simple, really: "Into every generation a Slayer is born: one girl in all the world, a chosen one. She alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their numbers. She is the Slayer." However the show is so much more complex, blending in the usual teenage crises, trials and tribulations while trying to maintain a secret identity from the authorities, her mother, and classmates, with the help of two close friends and her Watcher.

Over a seven series (and seven year timeline) arc, we get to see the gradual evolution of these four main characters, plus sundry others too and virtually everyone is shown to have a side which upsets the viewer’s assumptions of them: not all vampires are evil, not all humans are good – nothing is what it seems, but it maintains a sense of perspective and never jumps the shark.

Joss Whedon’s ‘Buffyverse’ ends up being a rounded, comprehensible, upsetting, comedic, dramatic and clever invention. It gave us five series of Angel to boot, and many of his regular actors appear in his other shows Firefly and Dollhouse.

Series highlights are The Wish, Doppelgandland, Hush and The Gift.

Top Gear

2010-11-02T16:34:00.001Z

I wrote this for the Empire Magazine forum top 100 TV shows http://www.empireonline.com/forum/tm.asp?m=2850596

Before I started watching Top Gear religiously (I am one of those, along with former Star in a Reasonably Priced Car Will Young, who watches the endless repeats on Dave), in my books cars came in colours with a wheel in each corner and one in front of the driver’s seat.

The programme in its current iteration has turned this air headed woman into one who tweets regularly that I could do as good a job as Messers Hammond, Clarkson and May for half the price, who will bite off the hand of the first person to let me play with a Bugatti Veyron, who was insanely jealous of a friend who recently rallied to Mongolia via the Transfagarasan route, who now claims I can fix anything with the judicious application of a hammer and a bag of chips and knows the Gospel of ‘if it’s stuck and shouldn’t be, use WD40 and if it’s moving and shouldn’t be use gaffer tape.

Cars now interest me. It’s thanks to Top Gear that I can maintain a half-decent conversation about them with my father and my car-minded male friends. It’s thanks to Top Gear that for a little over a month a couple of times a year, I am overjoyed and deliriously happy with the state of television programming in this country.

If you can ignore Jeremy Clarkson’s right-wing rhetoric, Richard Hammond’s forays into prime-time presenting (though he is good at it) and James May’s boys’ own nonsense (Man Lab notwithstanding), on any given episode you will find a funny and engaging programme despite a lot of the cars’ prohibitive price tags. And more than occasionally you will find moments of pure comedy genius: Jeremy thrashing round Basingstoke’s Festival Place shopping centre and Jeremy drowning Ross Kemp.

Shooting Stars

2010-11-02T16:29:00.008Z

I wrote this for the Empire Magazine forum top 100 TV shows http://www.empireonline.com/forum/tm.asp?m=2850596

I am biased. I am an unashamed and unapologetic fan of Vic and Bob since their Channel 4 series and have endless time for their escapades. This said, to describe Shooting Stars inevitably requires frequent and honest use of the term anarchic. It’s a tired cliché when it comes to Messers Moir* & Mortimer but more justified for them than for many other acts to whom it’s applied.

It is Shooting Stars who we have to thank for George & Marjorie Dawes, for Ulrika Jonnson’s otherwise inexplicable popularity and for B3ta’s propensity for the SPANG meme. However I forgive them this.

There is a format for the show... just. There are two teams, captained by (team A) Mark Lamarr, Will Self and Jack Dee and (team B) Ulrika Jonnson; four guest panellists (though team B will often have a semi regular, previously Jonny Vegas and Angelos Epithemiou), a scorekeeper (formerly George or Marjorie Dawes, most recently Angelos Epithemiou), all led by Vic & Bob as the question masters. However questions should be taken in the loosest possible sense: a question could be ‘name a popular fruit’ and if ‘apple’ is given as an answer, the correct answer could well be Graham Norton or vice versa: if Norton is given, apple would be correct. For a contestant to score points seems to be on the whim of the score keeper, if that.

Though this all sounds like a big complaint, the best way to appreciate it is to watch it yourself. Look out for repeats, specifically from the original series where Jarvis Cocker is twatted with a watermelon and from the most recent series, with Jack Dee getting smacked in the face with bacon. Sublime.

*Call yourself a fan if you didn’t need to Google ‘Moir’.

Mock The Week

2010-11-02T16:29:00.006Z

I wrote this for the Empire Magazine forum top 100 TV shows http://www.empireonline.com/forum/tm.asp?m=2850596

This is a topical news comedy but different from HIGNY in that it primarily (and, I think, solely) has comedians as its panellists, both regular and guest. With Dara O’Briain hosting, all seven are given virtually free reign to make comments on the week’s news events. The highlight of these are Hugh Dennis, Russell Howard and Andy Parsons, the three regulars. (Had I been writing a year ago, I would definitely include Frankie Boyle who would cut very close to the bone, suffered a media shit storm as a result and stepped down of his own volition.)

The show gives all the panellists a chance to air some of their current stand-up routines (so if you are a fan of Live At The Apollo and Michael McIntyre’s Comedy Roadshow et al you may see some crossover) but more often than not the material is fresh and more importantly, funny. I mean, crying with laughter, side-splittingly hysterically funny.

Catch repeats on Dave weekly, and watch out for “Nemo! Where the FUCK have you been?!” Best. Line. EVER.

If were Director General

2010-10-22T17:22:00.009+01:00

Now where was I? Oh yes. If I were Director General of the BBC. Cuts, cuts, more cuts and cuts. At least for the trash.

For the chop with no opportunity for dispute or appeal (in no particular order)

Doctor Who (not only would I say goodbye, I would say good riddance, and thank fuck for that) and associated spin-off shows
Eastenders (I have a Take No Prisoners approach to all kinds of soaps as well as reality TV programming and 'talent' shows. That is not to say the candidates are talentless morons like on such programmes which will not be mentioned here but they are a comparable format and therefore illegal in Sahara Desert Land*.
Lord Andrew Lloyd-Webber audition shows
Strictly Come Dancing
Holby Shitty
Casualty
Film 2010 (unless the Winkleman can be dispatched and replaced with Mark Kermode). Otherwise, turn it into a show where viewers can tweet in abuse to the Winkleman because she knows shit about films.
Radio 1 unless it can continue to attract life-time BBC fans to the corporation in much the same way it did to me in my formative years. It needs to dispense, with minimal fuss, with the egos of certain presenters, who shall remain nameless. Said presenters are worthwhile presenters on the station but need to get back to their roots. If it can do this, it will be saved. If not: AXED!

This list is neither exhaustive nor definitive and may be subject to change.

Rebranding (in no particular order)

Masterchef (any iteration) renamed Mastershout in honour of Sir Terrance of Wogan. If Dave Lamb can be enticed away from Channel 4 for the least amount of munnies he will commentate with Sir Wogan, otherwise the job’s Terry’s, no questions asked. He’s already on contract, y’see.

This list is neither exhaustive nor definitive and may be subject to change.

Saved for Life (in no particular order)

Mock The Week
University Challenge
QI
Top Gear
Countryfile
Something For The Weekend
Saturday Kitchen
Cookery shows by Nigella, Delia, Valentine Warner, Anjum Anand, Ching-He Huang, Heston Bloodyhell & Raymond Blanc.
Shooting Stars
Never Mind The Buzzcocks
Have I Got News For You
I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue
Question Time
Newsnight

This list is neither exhaustive nor definitive and may be subject to change.

Recommissioned (in no particular order)

The Fast Show
In The Night Garden
Children of the Sun

This list is neither exhaustive nor definitive and may be subject to change.

Regarding Government interference and attacks on the BBC

David Cameron and his inbred, moneyed, entitled cabal of idiots will be told to fuck off when attempting to interfere with any aspect of the corporation. The same will go for publications which wantonly attack the corporation without just cause. You know who you are. Naughty.

Other stuff

BBC Bristol will be granted a charter of Never Being Even Threatened With Closure.
David Attenborough shall be crowned King of BBC Bristol
The move to Manchester will be scrapped.
Brian Cox and Jim Al Khalili can each have as many series commissioned as they like.
Science documentaries in general will be prioritised. Although I don’t have qualifications worth shouting about doesn't mean I don't feel I learn anything from watching such shows. In short: just because I don't have the proof, doesn’t mean I don't understand their content.

*Obligatory Sahara Desert Land Tourism Board Statement

"Visit Sahara Desert Land for apoplexy and soapbox ranting. Fun for all the family!"

You do realise I need to cut costs elsewhere to afford to buy back Mad Men off that thieving, bastard Australian, yes? Good.

BBC Licence Fee Freeze - A Response

2010-10-21T18:13:00.012+01:00

Yesterday I blogged my letter to Caroline Nokes MP: http://thedesertonthenet.blogspot.com/2010/10/bbc-license-fee-freeze.html

I've had a reply from Ms Nokes and I don't like it.

Thank you for your email of today's date, sent prior to the Chancellor even having confirmed the freeze on the licence fee.

I too am an avid fan of the BBC, I think they make some excellent programmes, and it remains the channel I turn to first for news, both local and national.

However, at a time when we face an unprecedented deficit I do believe it is imperative that all areas of public spending are scrutinised very carefully, and I can see no reason to exempt the BBC from that process. Sadly for too many years the country has spent beyond its means, and we are left in a situation where we are borrowing more than we spend on the NHS and defence combined. We are spending £120m every day on debt interest, that is simply unsustainable.

I would prefer that there was a freeze in the licence fee, and the BBC adapted to the current situation, than there had to be extra tax rises on hard working families.

As kindly requested by 38 Degrees, I have forwarded her response on to them.

Sometimes sponsorship is fun!

2010-10-21T17:58:00.004+01:00

Currently in Oxford, some black cabs (or not-so-black) and buses are being sponsored by The Oxford Science Park and as a result, resemble this:

My inner failed sixth form science student LOVES it.

Bought to my attention by http://a-is-for-aspirin.blogspot.com/. Thanks, A is for Aspirin!

BBC Licence Fee Freeze

2010-10-20T12:19:00.002+01:00

I had originally planned my next blog entry to be a faux-tirade on what I would do if appointed Director-General of the BBC. That entry will still occur but first I want to post a copy of the email I have just sent off to my MP, Caroline Nokes (Conservative, Romsey & Southampton North) regarding yesterday’s announcement to freeze the License Fee for six years. I used the 38 Degrees tool which has a simple, three-step process for helping constituents email their MP. I highly recommend you make use of it.

http://www.38degrees.org.uk/page/speakout/protect-BBC

I am a self-confessed avid fan of the BBC in its current iteration. I feel I get excellent value for my license fee and find I favour watching shows on its channels than alternative broadcasters, to the point were save one specific programme on ITV, do not watch that channel whatsoever. Furthermore, I have been a life-long listener to BBC Radio stations, as are my parents, be they local or national ones and cannot imagine having to tune into commercial stations.

The proposed freeze on the licence fee for the next six years is ill-advised, unwarranted and along with the corporation now having to fund the World Service and S4C, means a budget slash of 16%, loss of jobs, tightening of belts and ultimately at least the partial degradation of a world-renowned, trusted and established broadcaster.

I urge you, as my representative in parliament, to hear my comments and take a stand against this freeze. I am not alone in my views and I trust you understand my concern.

Memories are Made of This

2010-09-25T16:16:00.001+01:00

Recently I tweeted about a brand of cream soda which was so lovely it had me reminiscing about playing in my maternal grandmother's garden. It got me thinking: how wonderful is it that taste can trigger memories? And for that matter, smell?

I'm not going to try and explain how it happens because I don't have the credentials to elaborate and I don't want to come off like some Gillian McKeith idiot.

But for me, along with the cream soda, there are two outstanding products which send me hurtling down memory lane: Christian Dior Hypnotic Poison perfume and iced shortbread topped with a glacé cherry.

The former is a relatively expensive designer scent and has me right back in my childhood home's kitchen playing with my first pet, a black and white rabbit called Thumper. The circumstances over why Thumper was in the kitchen aren't pleasant but for some reason the memory is comforting to me. This is also not say that Dior have ravaged an array of rabbit hutches to create the notes but that there is a certain je ne sais quoi about Hypnotic Poison which I find utterly entrancing.

The shortbread is something I don't need to taste to have the memory return because frankly I can't taste it. It's something I had to eat when I was a teenager when I was recovering from a horrendous experience: my first allergic reaction to penicillin. As a result the very thought of it makes me feel not well at all. Unsurprisingly.

Our senses and memory centres are clever, devious and remarkable set ups.

Lies My Mother Told Me

2010-08-31T20:39:00.006+01:00

Inspired by Lucia Van Der Post's tome 'Things I Wish My Mother Had Told Me' (John Murray (Publishers), 2007) and Sue Perkins' tweet of Tuesday 31st August 2010 (www.twitter.com/sueperkins), regarding electricity and buckets, here is the start of a series of potentially believable but ultimately completely inane, lies.

I should add here none of the following should be attributed to my beloved mother unless specifically stated. She may hail from north of the Watford Gap but let's not hold that against her.
Where corporations are named, no libel should be inferred against said corporation. This is in jest. Please don't sue me!

In no specific order:
Clouds can be used as hair mousse when your can has run out. This will only work on foggy mornings when they are low enough to reach unless you're really very tall.

Books which charidee shops can't sell within three months' are returned to the publisher for refurbishment and resale in Waterstones.

If you swallow a fruit seed, said fruit will sprout and grow out of your arse. (Please do attribute this one to my mater. This scared me half to death when I was little.)

Blu-tac is old chewing gum.

There are no ponies. They are merely adolescent horses. Following on, Shetland ponies are really old horses and Shire horses are horses in the prime of life.

Nazis bombed away the bridge that used to span between Southampton and Cowes.

It is possible to see London from two spots on the M25: the QEII bridge and the plasma displays on the wall of the Dartford tunnel.

LCDs stands for 'little candle display'. That's how it's visible in the dark.

Printer ink is so expensive because it's made of crushed diamonds and either saffron (yellow toner), sapphires (cyan toner) or pink Möet et Chandon champagne (magenta toner).

Wifi is magic fairy dust flying between devices at the twelve & 3/4 times the speed of light.

Nintendo is Japanese for special happy disappearing time. Players of the Professor Layton games understand this inherently.

If you have your own you would like to add to this, please leave a comment or tweet me @thesaharadesert

Line painters find a way around road brock

2010-07-26T21:05:00.003+01:00

From http://www.salisburyjournal.co.uk/news/8271754.Line_painters_find_a_way_around_road_brock___/?ref=mr

The famous white stripes of the humble badger seem to have been put to an unusual use lately, saving the taxpayer money for paint and council contractors a few seconds on their long days.

Reader Kevin Maul was on his way home from work when he noticed double white lines had been painted on an S bend near the county border on the A338.

Lying sadly amid the fresh paint, however, was a badger who had breathed his last more than a week before.

Mr Maul, who had been posting flyers for his business Lawntender around Fordingbridge and Damerham, said: “I couldn’t quite believe my eyes when I saw him, this poor old badger who had been there over a week.

“I’d seen him every day as I went by and wondered if he was going to be picked up. Then on Friday I drove home to see his body between the lines - they had painted the road, but left a gap where he lay.”

Councillor Mel Kendal, Hampshire County Council’s executive member for environment said: “We would usually liaise with our colleagues at the district council who dispose of animal carcasses on the highways to ensure the badger was removed before the white line painting crew did this stretch of road.

“This appears not to have happened in this case and the white line painting crew did what they thought was best until arrangements could be made to dispose of the carcass.

“These arrangements have now been made and the gap in the white lines will be filled in and at no extra cost to the council taxpayer.”

I love a good joke, me

2010-05-26T21:30:00.000+01:00

Four men sat in a pub philosophising about what the fastest thing is. First man says "the fastest thing is a thought because it enters your head without warning."

Second man says "no the fastest thing is a blink because a blink's a reflex and you don't even think about it."

Third man says "no the fastest thing is light. Look at Star Trek and all those sci fi shows for proof."

The fourth man says "you're all wrong, the fastest thing is diaorrhea because last night before I could think blink or turn on the light I'd shat myself."

Badgers again

2010-05-21T08:51:00.002+01:00

Alive this time though.

Heard a report on the radio this morning about this story: http://www.rnli.org.uk/rnli_near_you/news/news_detail?articleid=551761&categoryid= on how a badger got stranded at low tide in Cornwall.

Hurray for the RNLI and mental badgers. Bless.

I need to get out more

2010-05-11T21:18:00.005+01:00

This is a true story, so names have been changed to protect the identity of my oldest friend.

Once upon a time, Jane and I were heading to the beach for a day of fun in the sun. During the long journey, their car passed a badger which had sadly gone the way of all flesh presumably at the wheels of a motorised vehicle of some kind. Said deceased omnivore was lying at the side of the road, and in a fit of morbid, disgusting behaviour, Jane and I found the animal's passing to be of humourous occurance. Verily they did laugh, losing approximately a year's worth of karmic brownie points in the process.

Suddenly, Jane, at the wheel of their car and therefore should've been demonstrating more road sense, leaned towards the steering wheel, bent both her arms at the elbow outwards and emitted an audible grunting noise. This, she claimed, was her impression of a dead badger. I, being an easily amused type, found this incredibly funny and proceeded to vocalise her mirth with a trademark cackling laugh, interspersed with high-pitched shrieks. This laugh has the unfortunate side-effect of being infectious and it set Jane off laughing too. For a good ten minutes more in the journey, the pair did laugh so, before the muscular contractions such laughing caused pain and aches they had to stop.

Ever since that fateful day, each time either Jane or I saw a dead badger, or were informed of a badger's passing by a friend or relative who had heard of this 'joke', the other would communicate the find to the other at which point more laughter would ensue.

Epilogue: Jane is since married and yet her beloved husband cannot get his head around the concept of his cherished wife and her childhood friend's 'joke'. Things got worse for the poor husband when I purchased a stuffed toy badger and adoption pack for an injured badger rescue centre for Jane as a present a few years ago. Also, my mother has been subject to the hysterics the sight of a deceased mammal that affects her youngest offspring: mother and daughter were returning home as my car passed the late furry woodland creature and I laughed so much my mother had to tell me off so's to concentrate on driving sensibly.

Alas, poor Jane and I are lavished with odd looks and dispairing shakes of people's heads whenever the pair are together and the subject of the monochrome quadrupeds is brought up.

You had to be there, really.

Sahara Desert's Take on Slap

2010-05-11T14:00:00.003+01:00

Ages ago I was asked by a friend my opinion on make up and the application thereof. It seems a waste to let this fester in my archived emails. Some of the links might be out of date, and manufacturers mentioned may have changed the names of the products but details were correct when I wrote it! I'm innocent, guv'nor!

Skin
I've stopped using foundation as I've found I need a combination of 'treatments' for different areas of my skin. Instead, I use Estée Lauder Skin Refinisher

http://www.esteelauder.co.uk/templates/products/sp_nonshaded.tmpl?CATEGORY_ID=CAT20447&PRODUCT_ID=PROD76107

followed by Garnier Pure Long Lasting Shine Control Moisturiser http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?storeId=10052&productId=1359&callingViewName=&langId=-1&catalogId=11051 .

Just because I'm not a teenager doesn't mean I don't suffer with bad skin, and stopping using foundation and using these two products instead mean I can then use Bourjois' own version of the (justly) famous YSL Touche Eclat

( http://www.ysl-parfums.com/toucheeclat-@/produit.jspz?id=681&preferedCateg )

Anticerne pour Petits Matins http://www.bourjois.co.uk/face/concealer/88

under my eyes (I can remember the day I got dark circles - it literally happened over night before I hit double figures - I thought I'd been punched and I'm now resigned to the fact that they're never going away). Both the Bourjois and the YSL concealers come with a bush applicator - twist or click the base to release a small dab of cream into the brush, apply to the required area then blend in by finger. Neither of these (or any of the other alternatives on the market, but I've used both and they're excellent) are just for dark circles either. Use as a general concealer.

On the subject of concealing, each time I've tried to use concealer on a spot or blemish has turned into a disaster. It seems to make the offending blotch stand out more than ever. Sod that. Just do this instead.

Once you've refinished, moisturised and concealed, use a pressed powder. I'm a fan of Bourjois Pastel Teint

http://www.bourjois.co.uk/face/powder/54

For all in the name that is Coco, do not forget your jawline. Blend into your neck and remember to apply a little behind the ear, blending down beneath your earlobe. And believe what the magazines tell you. Test the powder in natural light. The amount of women I've seen with a clear line along their jawline between their powder and their skin is unbelievable, and it's so much more noticable if the colour does not match. Seriously girls, don't make me smack you.

Forgoing foundation also means I've done away with blush too. I always looked like Aunt Sally when I attempted it. Stuff that for a game of monkeys. Moisturiser and powder means my natural cheek colour does the job just as well, plus has the added benefit of colouring the parts of my cheeks which should me, barring a scrap in the pub car park of a Friday night. Too many cola and lemons'll do it to a girl!

However, if you're just too scared of forsaking all foundation, try this. Tinted moisturiser! OMG! No.7 have a nice one

http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=13350&storeId=10052&productId=54963&callingViewName=&categoryId=13362&langId=-1&catalogId=11051

and if you're going down that route then maybe consider a redness cream as well. http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=13350&storeId=10052&productId=15550&callingViewName=&categoryId=13362&langId=-1&catalogId=11051

BUT: these can be cloying so I mix it in with my regular moisturiser beforehand, and reduce the amount of each I use. I don't want to get home at the end of the day and find my face has slid off into my bra. (If you didn't follow that, it was moisturiser + anti redness followed by tinted moisturiser.)

If you still can't face the world without foundation, then I repeat my advice on matching. MATCH YOUR SKIN TONE AND BLEND OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN!

Now, foundation and tinted moisturiser users will need blush else risk looking washed out. First, find out if you're warm or cool. I bet you've seen a hundred articles over the years about your colouring. It's hard to describe but I go by what red lipstick suits me best. I'm a warm so the best red for me has golden and bronze hints in it. If you're cool then purple-based red lipstick looks best on you. If you're stuck, ask a female friend or relative whose opinion you trust. Not value. TRUST. Don't ask someone who's a yes-friend. Next step: unless you're a Scandinavian-blonde, avoid pure pinks altogether. Peaches are better, and are available in warm (golden & bronze) and cool (purplish) shades.

When purchasing, buy a brush too. I know blush comes with an applicator, but it's rubbish, no matter the brand. Remember, it's been mass produced to reduce costs. I'd go so far as to throw away the brush it comes with. Seriously. You need a brush at least 2.5cm in diameter, and not tapered at all, instead with a rounded head. Ruby and Millie and Jemima Kidd both have ranges available in Boots and in case you've been living under a rock for the last decade, Ruby and Jemima are renowned make up artists.
http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=4711&storeId=10052&productId=123972&callingViewName=&categoryId=4789&langId=-1&catalogId=11051

http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=4787&storeId=10052&productId=20765&callingViewName=&categoryId=4789&langId=-1&catalogId=11051

When applying blush, grin like a lunatic. No, I don't mean because it's a fun exercise (it might turn you on, I'm not going to judge you, you weirdo) but because grinning like a Cheshire Cat will show you where the 'apples' of your cheeks are. First. 'load' the brush with the blush then shake off (not blow) the excess powder. (Shaking will remove more particles than blowing, and it's a hell of a lot easier to build up colour than to start over again.) Position the centre of the brush over the centre of the 'apple', and swirl round in a circle just once. This prevents you going mental with the colour. Next, take your mirror to the window or the nearest to natural light you have and check you don't look like Aunt Sally. If it's not enough, repeat. Check the result in between each 'swirl' and stop when you like the result. If you're not sure, ask that friend or relative who won't lie to you.

Eyes
If you're trying eyeshadow (and eye make up in general), keep it simple. Go here

http://www.loreal-paris.co.uk/cosmetics/eyes/made-for-me-naturals-trios.aspx

and work out which is the best colour for you. (I've got blue eyes and brown hair so use

http://www.loreal-paris.co.uk/cosmetics/eyes/made-for-me-naturals-trios/made-for-me-naturals-trios-light-brunette.aspx

because the blue eyes counteract the dark brown hair.) In other words, pay attention to what L'Oréal is recommending but tailor it to your own appearance - blue eyes and dark brown hair isn't the most common combination.

Ignore the brow highlighting cream (and I'll start on your eyebrows in a bit anyway) and stick to the two pressed powders to begin with. Using the sponge applicator included (these are fine!) apply the lighter shade over the upper lid up to the brow. I tend to start on the lid, and work from the middle out, but that may be because any minor mistakes I make can be hidden with my glasses. Flip the sponge over and apply the dark shade. Start at the outside, on the lid, directly above the eyelashes and blend in and up towards the middle, staying only on the lid.

For the keep it simple brigade, forget about eyeliner when making up for venturing into public. Even with a cotton bud or twenty on hand to dab at any mistakes, it shows, even with kohl. However, I would recommend practice, practice, private practice. Invest in a gentle eye make up remover, cotton buds and cotton pads as well as a brown liquid liner. Why no kohl? Because it's rubbish for upper lid lining, and lining lower lids is for when you want to look scary and/or dramatic. Wipe excess liner off the brush (that's a point I missed - buy liner with a brush applicator rather than a felt-tip pen-style applicator) and start from the outside and draw inwards. Obviously there's a little more art to this. I suggest holding the brush with the hand opposite to the eye you're lining. This means your dominant hand isn't bent back on itself when lining the eye of that side. Place the tip of the brush at the outer corner of the upper lid of the eye, parallel to the lid, above the lashes. Draw inwards, following the lash line, tapering to a point above where your thicker lashes end. The pressure you place on the brush will dictate the thickness of the line, and you will be shaky to start. Hence the gentle eye make up remover, cotton buds and cotton pads. To ease the shakes, put down the espresso martini and rest your elbows on a table, dresser or similar, when practising.

Recommendations
Bourjois Liner Pinceau http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/liner/10

Decent brush, flowing liquid so it doesn't get stodgy.
Ruby & Millie Metallic I-Writer http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=4949&storeId=10052&productId=7686&callingViewName=&categoryId=5004&langId=-1&catalogId=11051

Twist-up liners in a variety of colours

I probably told you before, but Bourjois cosmetics are made by the same people as Chanel cosmetics. This is a Good Thing in my books.

I once read that mascara is the only make up that can be worn on its own. I tried it and my sister extracted the urea from me. But then I only ever wear black mascara. You beginners should start on brown mascara, and if you're wearing it with liner, always match the liner to the mascara. I tend just to apply mascara to the upper lashes only. I only think I can get away with mascara on the lower set if I've kohl-lined my lower lids. That's not a regular occurance, trust me. Applying mascara in my case is a two-handed task. The hand of the eye I'm mascara-ing can do the lashes towards the middle of my eye, but not the edges, unless I wipe the stem of the applicator on my skin, and that's not an attractive option, considering I wipe excess mascara on my cheek like that. Ick. So, swap hands, point the tip of the wand towards the edge of the face and coat the outer lashes.

No matter which brand of mascara I'm using, I find that I can create a kind of false-liner effect thus: when you place the brush on your lashes at the start, gently wiggle the wand ever so slightly from side to side. Little bit of extra volume and effect. This reminds me: apply the mascara to your top lashes with your eye open, so from underneath, not eye closed, on top. This stops you accidently getting mascara on your eyeshadow. However, by all means when you've done the majority of the lashes with eye open, shut your eye, and apply a little more from the middle of the lash to the end. This keeps the wand away from your eyeshadow, but because you've already done the lashes eye-open, means you don't have to worry about missing the roots.

This next part is important, and also links back to the warning I mentioned about eyebrows. Apparently they frame a face, and even if not, they (along with tidy nails) make someone look like they care about their appearance even if there isn't a trace of make-up. How does this tie into mascara? Easy. Get an eyelash brush. For goodness sake, after you've applied your mascara, comb through your lashes before the mascara dries. Combing them after they've dried is not a good idea as the mascara sticks lashes together, the comb pulls on them, therefore your eyelid and the end result is the discomforting sound of a damp smacking sound as your eyelid thwacks back against your eyeball. Nice. Combing reduces clumps and tidies up your work. I recommend Ruby & Millie's lash comb and brow brush combo. Folds away neatly, and the mascara wand-style brow brush gives the best brow tidy-up I've ever had. I can't find the product on its own, but it's seen here

http://www.kaboodle.com/reviews/ruby-millie-eye-lash-kit

as part of a kit, and I can't comment on the curler, being a traditional lash curling girl.

Recommendations
Maybelline Great Lash http://www.maybelline.co.uk/PRODUCTS/Eyes/MASCARA/Great_Lash.aspx

Highly acclaimed and rightly so. A decent, suit-all product.
Bourjois Coup De Theatre http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/mascara/1

A false lash effect that actually works.
Bourjois Volume Glamour http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/mascara/96

See Maybelline's Great Lash, but with added oomph means nice thick lashes
Bourjois Pump Up The Volume http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/mascara/2

See Maybelline's Great Lash, less oomph than Volume Glamour but a longer appearance
No.7 Lash 360 http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=13350&storeId=10052&productId=48862&callingViewName=&categoryId=13363&langId=-1&catalogId=10551

As Volume Glamour but even thicker lashes!
Max Factor Masterpiece Beyond Length http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=4949&storeId=10052&productId=125236&callingViewName=&categoryId=4996&langId=-1&catalogId=11051

Frankly the best mascara I've ever tried. Thicker and longer lashes. Surprised I could still blink, really.

Please bear in mind these reviews are based on me being one of the hated few with lashes which mean I can get away mascara-less. Bwhahaha etc.

For the more colour-confident of you, my rules on colours of eyeshadow to wear are simple. Stick to the colours of your wardrobe (with in reason). For me, that means the eyeshadows I have are metallic greys, pinks and greens. I wrote 'within reason' because my wardrobe also consists of black, red and cream, and I don't fancy looking like an emo, stye-sufferer or reverse panda. I tend to wear these more colourful palettes for evenings out, and often around wintertime - this latter reason especially with the greys and greens. The pinks are a rarity for me - I feel it's a tougher colour to wear as eyeshadow (pinkeye, anyone?) but makes me feel chirpy and ready to irritate anyone.

Recommendations
Bourjois Effet Lumiere trio http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=1716&storeId=10052&productId=1381&callingViewName=&categoryId=7238&langId=-1&catalogId=10551

Especially Les Argents (grey trio) and Les Bruns (brown trio) which is a nice set of bronze colours ideal for use with a tan.
Bourjois Little Round Pot http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/shadow/74

Nicely blendable. Beige Rosé 08 is an ideal base colour for all-over lid coverage. Noir Emeraude 07 is a smoky dark green shadow which I use (over a paler green shade) in a thin line right above my lashes, topped off with liner. Argent 25 is a lovely silvery grey.
Barry M Dazzle Dust http://www.barrym.com/products/product.asp?id=77

Sold in Superdrug, where inevitably the little chavs and their Croydon facelifts have made the stand look a mess. However, it's worth getting your fingers a little bit grubby as these are stunning iridescent loose powders in a wide range of colours.

I use dd58 Candy and dd64 Fuchsia together on my lid, on top of the Bourjois Beige Rosé, finished with a thin line of black liner. Trust me, I find the black liner tones down the overall OMGSHETHINKSSHE'S16-factor brilliantly. My other two faves are dd72 Emerald and dd16 Dark Green. To go with any pots of Dazzle Dust you might buy, I recommend tissues and cosmetic cotton buds

http://www.alibaba.com/product-gs/203415741/cotton_buds_70R_make_up.html

Cosmetic buds are ideal for these powders as the flat end can be used for applying the paler colours and blending, the pointed end for darker colours and creating liner-effects. Back to the powders. As I wrote - these are loose powders so you'll inevitably sprinkle the colour on your cheek when applying with the buds, so place a tissue under your eye first. I've had incidents when I've got the colour on my skin, brushed if off with my hand and ended up with stunning green smears across my face, dagnabbit! A tissue works better than any beauty editor who's told you to brush loose face powder on your cheek first, so you can later brush away any spills - she's a lying cow who doesn't know her AHAs from her botulism.

Now, you probably think by now I abhor all things kohl, but it's just not true. I think they're for the more confident eye make up wearer, and I poo-pooed them when I was talking about eyeshadow for starters. I have a good few kohl pencils and below are my recommendations. I use all of them very sparingly underneath my lower lashes, dabbing a little colour at the outer corner then smudging in towards the middle with one of the best inventions ever, the Eye Smudge

http://www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?categoryParentId=4711&storeId=10052&productId=809&callingViewName=&categoryId=4789&langId=-1&catalogId=11051

This blends the colour so it gets fainter as it progresses inwards.

Recommendations
Bourjois Regard Pailleté Glitter Pencils http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/liner/98

Utterly girly and good fun, I go for the black.
Bourjois Metallic Eye Pencils http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/liner/118

Less showy than the glitter version, the green is nicely subtle.

There is one exception to my rule of using coloured kohls, and it's this: the classic Bourjois Noir et Blanc

http://www.bourjois.co.uk/eyes/liner/11

Use the white in the inner corners of the eyes to brighten for an evening out or a pick-me-up, and the black on my lower lids above the lashes. This is the fun part of make-up - pencilling the kohl along the lower lid by pulling the lid down with one hand and trying not to get the kohl inside the eyelid thus making you cry for the day / night. I type from experience.

Lips
I don't ever bother with liner - it's too much hassle and I don't want to look like someone who lays on her back for a living. If you want to though, for goodness sake never, ever choose a colour darker than your lipstick or gloss. You will look like you work in Las Vegas. At any rate, I have small lips so I rarely crowd them with a heavy colour because it only serves to make them appear even smaller. It's a general rule of thumb with colours - the darker a colour the smaller its 'canvas' will appear. I mean, would you paint your hallway burgundy? Not unless you lived in a country pile!

Which reminds me of something else I read once. If you're going all out on your eyes, pull back on the lips, and vice versa. Dynasty can't be spelt without 'nasty', your name's not Joan Collins.

Recommendations
Estée Lauder High Gloss http://www.esteelauder.co.uk/templates/products/sp_shaded.tmpl?CATEGORY_ID=CAT2962&PRODUCT_ID=PROD71783

A great non-sticky tint and shine gloss.
Bourjois Effet 3D http://www.bourjois.co.uk/lips/gloss/65

A sucess since launch. easy-to-use brush-on gloss with wide range of shades.
L'Oréal Color Riche http://www.loreal-paris.co.uk/_en/_gb/beauty-filter/index.aspx?category=Cosmetics_Lips&topics=BF_Color_Riche

Subtle colours which aren't sticky
L'Oréal Glam Shine 6H http://www.loreal-paris.co.uk/_en/_gb/beauty-filter/index.aspx?category=Cosmetics_Lips&topics=BF_Glam_Shine

A light gloss which does what it says on the tin but doesn't stain your lips.

I might be teaching you to suck eggs now but any lipstick or gloss looks appalling on dry and/or cracked lips. I'm a hypocrite in telling you not to chew / bite your lips but don't. They get sore and saliva dries the skin out. Buy a lip balm and keep it with you as much as possible, so if you don't always tote a handbag around with you, buy a few of tubes, one for your bag, one for car, one for office - so the places you spend the most time. A little costly but I am the moron who has four main handbags on rotation, each ready-packed with mirror, emery board, matching umbrella, purse and coin purse (each with a set of change for parking). Do what you feel is sane.

Recommendations
Palmer's Cocoa Butter Formula http://www.etbrowne.com/products/Collection.aspx?CollectionID=27

Smells of heaven (or at least heavenly), has SPF15. In fact, Palmer's do an amazing range of moisturisers, including a shimmery cream which is better and cheaper than Nivea's much-hyped version.
Sally Hansen 24 Hour Lip Treatment http://www.sallyhansen.com/product.cfm?product=12

Creamy smooth, discreet tube.
Chapstick Classic http://www.chapstick.com/classic/index.asp

If I remember rightly, this is cheaper than both the Palmer's and Sally Hansen products, and a good alternative. Not my first choice, however.

Quick Rant

2010-05-10T20:50:00.002+01:00

Work blocked two of my favourite websites today! OH NOES! What will I read now?

Charity Event

2010-04-26T21:32:00.002+01:00

Tickets now on sale for the Naomi House Eastleigh Committee's Pig Racing on Friday 14th May at 7.30pm. £7 adult ticket, £4 child ticket or £20 family ticket (2 adults & 2 children). Price includes a Ploughman's.

Evening also includes Guess the Name of the Dog (50p per go) and a raffle &/or auction. Prizes include donations from Paultons Park, Beaulieu Motor Museum, Southampton FC, Fleming Park Leisure Centre, David Lloyd, Longdown Activity Farm, Romsey Fotografix and Cook Academy ( www.cookacademy.co.uk ) Venue Eastleigh Irish Club, Station Hill (opposite Eastleigh Central train station).

Leave a comment for tickets and/or posters to help us advertise the event, with your questions or follow me on Twitter, username @thesaharadesert .

Email Etiquette

2009-11-21T17:27:00.003Z

I wrote this some time ago, and I think it's useful. Obviously this is not a proper blog entry, but somewhere to put something in case I mislay it.

Email Etiquette

How To Win Over Your Colleagues.

I didn't know what email address to get you on, but try this out for size, (I realise some or all of this might be teaching you to suck eggs, but it'll work out quicker for me to just give you the basics of how I approach written communication in the office and you can use what you want and ask me for more if you feel like it.)

To start with, I invariably divide my recipients into two categories: my customers and my colleagues. In both cases I maintain a knowledge of their level of authority, who else is privy to the content and my relationship to that person, eg: I have a very friendly, bantering working relationship with a customer in Essex, to the point where I we will both happily abuse each other. However another customer in the same company the next county over? I wouldn't dream of even referring to any level of insult, and would only ever refer to them by their title as asked by me when taking the call (in other words the former customer I call such names as 'psycho nutbag, crazy lady, mental scary person stop trying to put me off my damned job FFS!" whereas the latter would be their first name only).

Salutations in decreasing terms of formality

My customers
Dear Sir / Madam,

Dear Mr / Miss / Mrs surname

Dear firstname, Dear Mr / Miss / Mrs surname

Hello Mr / Miss / Mrs surname

Hello firstname

Hi firstname

My colleagues
Hello firstname

Hi firstname

In this instance I use 'hello' for a more formal email such as a request for assistance with a technical problem or if I am contacting a colleague with whom I don't often work with such as a sales rep; and use 'hi' for my friends in the office here, when I know the person/s well or if I want to lighten the tone of my email.

Subject

In the Subject field I make an effort to make the details informative but clear. An example is asking for assistance with a product. One I sent today was "[full product brand name] - [customer's account number] [customer store name]". I do this not only to assist the recipient because they can then see from the subject alone and know what my email will be about, but also to help me file my emails at a later date, to locate an email quickly should I need to refer back to it, and use the search function on text within the subject when looking through a large email folder for particular details.

Another type of subject I've sent is "Customer Support Reference Guide" which is an email I've sent to my technical team asking for their input on a document I'm writing.

Body of text

This is the body of text for the Reference Guide email:
"I am looking to put together a reference guide for the whole of Customer Support, both as an at-a-glance form and more detailed guide. Please could you let me know what you feel should be the main entries in this guide, such as PQE sets, abbreviations etc."

I've told them what I'm doing, what I'd like from them and given them examples.

Needless to say, I always make the most effort to ensure what I've written is not only coherent, clear and paragraphed and/or sectioned for ease of reading (look at how I've laid this email out), but that I've shown a level of care over my work in terms of grammar, spelling and punctuation (yeah, yeah, you know me and I know you and this is something we don't need telling!).

However, if you really want to make sure you've covered your derriere, turn the spellchecker on so it checks every email you send before it actually lets it fly into the ether. I've told lots of my colleagues this and they realise it offers them a sort of comfort blanket to know there's built-in assistance.

Etiquette

Etiquette is another 'sucking eggs' bit.

Avoid CAPITALISATIONS THROUGHOUT YOUR EMAIL BECAUSE YOU'RE BELLOWING AT THE POOR PERSON.

Avoid txt spk cos were not lolcats or hooded chavvy morons rofl!!11!

Avoid kissing. Keep it professional sweetie xxx

Endings

I use a whole variety of endings:

Cheers

Regards

Kind regards

Kindest regards

With regards

With kind regards

With kindest regards

Yours

Yours etc.

Thanks

Thank-you

Many thanks

Many thanks in advance

Many thanks in advance for your assistance

My choice of which one I use depends of the recipient/s and the type of email I've written. Again, this is where I remain concious of my email as a whole and choose the most appropriate for the context. Remaining concious of the context also demonstrates your consideration for your work and shows you care about your role (yes, I know this may go over the heads of so many but it gives me peace of mind and if one person notices it then they've recognised your efforts and may even appreciate it).

To that end (for now?) this is a typical email (copied verbatim from my sent items folder):

Hello Everyone,
Over the coming months I am offering assistance on a 1-2-1 basis to help increase your confidence when processing technical orders. So far, people have reported feeling happier speaking to customers with [technical term removed] and the number of errors made has been greatly reduced.

Please let me know by return email if you would like to take advantage of this and a timeslot will be scheduled in the diary for you.

Kind regards,

Sahara Desert

It was done in my capacity as the technical team co-ordinator to the whole of the Customer Support department. The group address I used means that along with my fellow workers, my email was seen by all the Team Leaders, the three other departments, their manager and the two previously-mentioned managers' manager, who is senior management level (by which I mean the next person up the chain is the MD). In this case, I drafted it, made sure I was happy with it then asked my Team Leader to proof it for me before I sent it 'for real'.

Checklist

Read the email through before you send it.

Make sure you are happy with it.

Ask yourself, "would I like to receive an email written like this?".

Salutation (level of authority and audience)

Subject field

Grammar

Punctuation & Paragraphs

Spelling

Ending

Use of capitals when appropriate

No text language, smiley faces or kisses

Check the destination of the message in the address fields (To, CC & BCC) - beware of replying to all and invading other people's inboxes.

Putting your foot in it

2009-08-20T17:15:00.003+01:00

Every year my parents hold a family barbeque. This happened on the 10th August.

*cue wobbly Scooby-Doo mirage effect*

Me: Parents, dear, do you mind ever so if I extended an invite to [my best friend] and [her husband]? Mother dearest: Yes, really. It's definitely a Family Barbeque this year.
Me: No problem!
Father (entering doghouse): Oh. I meant to say, I invited [can't remember name] and his wife at [my brother]'s barbeque last week.
Mother & Me: Who?!
Father (from within doghouse): The tall chap who was there with his wife and two boys.
Mother (grinding teeth): How do you know them?
Father: From [my nephew]'s football - he goes along to watch too (my, isn't it echo-y inside this doghouse?*)
Mother (firing deathstare at Father's back): I don't know who you mean. Well [to me], you may as well invite [my best friend] and [her husband] then, Daughter.
Me (ingratiating self with Mother): Well, no, not if it's strictly a family one this year. I didn't confirm to [my best friend] she could definitely come, I said I'd ask.
Mother (impersonating Marge Simpson): Hmmmmmm
Father: [silence]

*Not actual part of conversation

I later said to my mother yesterday whether she was okay, and unsurprisingly, she wasn't. The only people who know who my father invited are.. my father, my nephew and my brother. The numbers (sans any extras) are eleven as it is, these others would've been an extra four.

End of the tale is. the were uninvited. Naughty father. The barbeque itself (which was on Saturday) went swimmingly, even if the weather could've been better. I should be thankful it didn't rain.

Writer's block

2009-07-29T20:17:00.001+01:00

Upon complaining to my friends today that I was struggling for a topic for my latest entry, I was challenged to write about chips.

"Which kind?", I replied, "potato-based or poker?"

"BOTH!" came the reply.

I wonder where chips (the edible kind) came from originally. I remember reading (or seeing) in an Asterix book some years ago one of the characters (Getafix?) boiling chipped root vegetables in hot oil in a cauldron. Does this mean French Fries are the origin? Oh dear. One of our national dishes is a French import. Sacre bleu!

Anyway. I like chips. Not so much without any condiment though. My main choices in this area are mayonnaise (Hellman's) and/or tomato ketchup (Daddies). I write 'and/or' because I'm not exactly averse to having a dollop of ketchup on one side of the plate and a dollop of mayonnaise on the other. But never a chip with both dressings together. What do you take me for?!

I have also been known to crave salt and vinegar on chips, but not often. Acid reflux and dehydration after-effects make those additions less appealing. (And the blood pressure! Don't forget the blood pressure!)

While I'm at it, let's have a little preach too. If you have fish with your chips, try to go for less common types. Cod is being fished to the brink of the abyss, as is haddock to a lesser extent. Ever considered hake or plaice? Scrummy is an accurate description. Both are white fish like cod and haddock, and plaice in particular has a juicy, sweet taste.

Poker chips are another matter. I've not tried, but I doubt very much that they are palatable no matter how much ketchup, mayonnaise, vinegar or salt are ladled on. I find they are better suited for substituting cold, hard cash in games of poker. As their name would suggest.

I previously mentioned owning some poker chips myself. I do have a third, much nicer set which are smaller than regular chips and clay-based. Again, I've not tried eating those either.

I don't have much to add on the subject of poker chips. I'm sure that most truthful* of websites, Wikipedia, can sate your thirst for knowledge, though.

*To be taken with a pinch of salt. (But not too much – think of your blood pressure!)

Anger

2009-07-26T18:41:00.003+01:00

I feel angry today. I don't think I have felt it all day but I certainly wasn't feeling on top of the world when I woke this morning. I've felt kind of near the end of my tether and liable to snap given the right provocation.

I had that provocation about two hours ago and my stubborn self won't let me admit that part of the problem is mine. I take criticism badly and that's what triggered it.

I was told recently that anger is our illogical, unthinking self reacting how it wants to external stimulus. Right now I can see the point of the person who told me that. Had I thought about how what I was being told was making me feel, maybe I could have controlled my reaction and potentially not hurt the feelings of the other person.

Is it progress when you can see how lessons you've been taught can be applied in reality? Is that what learning is? If so, when do I consider that I have learnt what I was taught? Now? When I apologise to the person I reacted like this to? Or when a similar circumstance occurs and I behave with consideration for others?

I'd like it to be now, I know it won't be and I geniunely think it won't be until I moderate my actions and behaviour in the future. I find this depressing, because it means there's another negative situation waiting for me in the future and I don't want to confront it. Also it's disappointing that despite my enlightenment (for want of a better word) right now, I can't claim the knowledge in practise as mine. Hence I am impatient too.

This is a depressing entry today, and I apologise for it. I'm just in that mood today.

Secretarial genius

2009-07-23T22:51:00.004+01:00

In case you were all wondering, the launch party went beautifully the other day and raised more money than we had hoped.

Filled with excitement (and lots of coffee – I didn't get to sleep much before 2am Monday morning) and buoyed with ideas I spent Monday and Tuesday drafting letters to thank our donors and to ask local businesses for donations for our next event.

Why do this so soon?

I wanted to capitalise on the good feeling shared by the rest of the committee in then ext meeting to dissect the launch, and get their approval for my letter templates.

However this was not the limit of my planning. As secretary, my main roles are to take and distribute the minutes and organise all correspondence. To this extent I remembered how good it was in the past that Comic Relief had bestowed a personalised certificate of thanks in addition to a letter of the same. This can be displayed more easily than a letter, so why can't my committee do the same?

Some of the committee members are not au fait with MS Word's capabilities (it might have its negatives but it also does many tasks without too much swearing on the user's part). I knocked up a few different variations of a certificate with our logo, borders, watermarks, WordArt et cetera to demonstrate my ideas to the others.

Am I nervous?

Well, I was.

The meeting was last night and I'm extremely pleased as my letters got the okay from everyone. The certificate idea was a completely different matter. Without trying to sound smug, they're a hit!

This means I also have a fight ahead of me. As the certificates have to be signed, it's more efficient to print them pre-signed so later this evening I've got to learn how to use the scanner part of my spangly new printer which is currently sitting dormant in the corner. Then it's just to test out different weights of paper and card (unfortunately we don't have the resources to laminate the certificates) and get the first batch sent off with letters of thanks.

I think I could really get to like this secretarial work. I could have an alter ego, superhero outfit – the works!

Sahara Desert IS Secretary Girl!

What you thought you knew

2009-07-21T22:56:00.003+01:00

I was treated to the near breakdown of my very soul today when two different people told me that what I thought I knew about letter writing I did not at all.

How did this happen to me?

For the majority of my life I've been under the impression that letters to people whom you are acquainted with are signed off 'yours sincerely', if not then use 'yours faithfully'. This has been a staple of my letter writing ever since I can remember.

When I was writing a draft template today for my charidee work, two friends (who do not know each other) kindly offered to give me their much-needed comments and feedback. Which of course, included both of them telling me I was signing off my letters completely incorrectly.

I'm in a total quandary! Do I seek therapy through my GP? Do I track down the teacher/s who imparted this clearly-false information to me, torture them before beheading them in a fit of knowledge-system failure to sate my extreme* bewilderment? Do I stop whining about it? (No chance – this is prime blog material!)

What hasn't helped is, as a regular user of Snopes, (I am SICK of those emails sent to me by well-meaning people telling me I just had my PIN stolen by the unsuspecting looking stranger who's now wafting a business card under my nose with plans to rape, stab and kill me to death on a petrol forecourt), I would normally treat being told that something I take to be the correct form is not so with a hefty pinch of salt (watch that blood pressure!).

Wanted: Salt. Last seen smothering chips to death.

But I was soon the recipient of an email from a third friend cheerily offering me a link to the Basildon Bond website confirming what the first two friends were telling me.

I've lost all faith in my skills as a letter-writer (which I do for my parents) and feel ashamed. I'm sure I'll be looking in the local estate agents' window soon for a comfortable, well-appointed rock beneath which to live for the rest of my days.

*Well I feel shaken slightly, to say the least. Like I need a sit-down while hugging a soft toy.

A new venture

2009-07-19T11:59:00.002+01:00

This evening sees my first social engagement in my new venture (if that's the right word for it). Long story short, I got roped into the secretarial role for a charity committee about a month ago as it is a new group raising funds in and around a nearby town. The suggested committee member was not at all keen on taking up the role (which is understandable – it's a role which needs experience in a secretarial and administrative environment and I can't say I blame her) so I was guilt-tripped into it by my beloved mater.

It's for charidee, great mate!

Tonight is the committee's launch party including an auction (having seen the lots on offer, I certainly wouldn't mind taking a shot at one or two of them myself) and frankly, I'm feeling increasingly more and more terrified.

Why? I think mainly because I'll be there in an official committee capacity and be expected to talk up the charity to strangers. I hope I might be able to put my assertiveness training into play but I've a fear words will escape me and I'll stupidly end up getting one of the other committee members to charm which ever person has just collared me.

I think I should emphasise just how much I want the launch to go well. I've been worried for a while now as the committee (through reasons I'm not going to go into here) were unable to pick the day of the launch and holding a function on a Sunday evening isn't ideal. (I'm glad I'm driving so won't have the chance to turn up for work tomorrow feeling worse for wear.)

There are (were?) fifty spaces available for guests but the last time I spoke to the chairlady she had numbers around forty. My worst idea of the evening is for people to be making speeches to a half-filled room, and us struggling to garner bids for the prizes.

You! Are you bidding? A MILLION POUNDS?! SOLD!

There you have it. I'm a worrier and right now I can't help but think of the worst possible scenario. (I mean, not apocalyptic, 'function area blowing up and people running from the launch on fire' worst possible scenario, but the launch not going as swimmingly as it could.

My afore-mentioned mother dearest has voiced some similar concerns but I don't think she's aware just how much a small part of me is dreading this evening.

Fingers crossed! *gulp*

Twitter FAQ

2009-07-17T22:00:00.004+01:00

I wrote this for a friend today, and I want to share, because I'm that kind of gal! I make no apologies for errors contained.

The Sahara Desert Twitter FAQ

WTF is this Twitter malarky?!
You know the status update part of Facebook? To put it bluntly, Twitter's literally just that but without all the spammy advertising, "do you like this" thumbs up/down bollocks, applications, photo albums etc.

How do I get friends?
You don't. Not because you're a loser but because they're not called that on Twitter. Instead, you follow people whose updates you want to read, and you get followers who want to see your updates. Sounds very cult-ish but so far I've not seen Twitter catch fire like David Koresh's Waco HQ.

Jaysus, I don't want every Tom, Dick and Pervy Pete seeing my witty, intelligent updates! Twitter can go spin.
Don't be so hasty! If you have a protected account, someone may request to follow you and see your updates and you can approve or tell them where to shove their adoration as you see fit.

Well that's okay! I'm being very stalkery and am following eleventy billion other users. Is there a special name for their updates as I see them when I log in?
Yes! It's called a feed. This also appears when you click 'Home' at the top of the screen.

Like a pig trough?
No. Stop being stupid.

Sorry. Are there any other names I should know?
If you like. Voila! One vocabulary.
An update is a tweet
A common form of addressing your followers in a tweet is to call them Tweeple
You can see how someone you're following made a tweet: under their text it will say "8 [or whenever] minutes ago from" followed by the method they used:
web (updated on Twitter itself)
TweetDeck (a download designed for tweeting)
Tweetr (a download designed for tweeting) - you can see more downloads here http://twitter.com/downloads
txt (sending a text to your account)

I want to reply to someone's tweet because I have a clever insight to impart. How can I make sure they see it?
Start your tweet off with @ followed by their username ie: @twitterperson (that's a made-up user by the way) then write your message. A quick way of doing this is to click on the little grey arrow which appears when you move your cursor over a tweet. However, this does not guarantee the other person will see your tweet - you also have to rely on them checking their @ replies.

How do I check any @ replies I might have?
Click on the @[your username] link on the right hand side of your screen.

I want to bitch about all but one of my followers but I want to keep it private. Help!
Click into Direct Messages, select the follower you wish to message from the drop-down box, then write your message in the box.

I've seen a lot of people following someone pretending to be Stephen Fry. It's an imposter, right?
No, it's really, really Mister Fry of QI, Blackadder and Jeeves & Wooster fame.

Why does everyone but me follow Stephen Fry?
Because he's erudite, funny, intelligent, technologically savvy, and because we can't think for ourselves.

So are there any other 'tweeple' who have waltzed with Lady Fame?
Yes. This site is handy if you want to go into stalker mode: http://celebsthattwitter.com/The_List.html

I found the funniest website ever, and I want to tell my followers about it, but Twitter only lets me have 140 characters per tweet. This is frustrating, to say the least.
At first, yes, but happily Twitter will automatically reduce the url (the website address) when you click send, and convert it into a shortened url, which, when clicked, will direct the reader to the site you want to show them.

Can I reduce urls myself without relying on Twitter?
Yes. I use Tiny URL: http://www.tiny.cc/ . Follow the instructions on the page, it's very easy.

How can I change the colour of my home page?
Click on Settings (top of page), select the Design tab and go mental.

Some tweeple's pages have designs which aren't in Twitter's range of themes. Tell me I'm not going mad, please!
You're not. Yet. They've got more time than sense and have worked hard at their layouts. You can follow suit should you wish to become a social hermit. On the design tab, scroll down and click Change background image (where you can upload your own purdy picture) and/or Change design colours (where you can change the colours (like what it says in a Cuprinol kinda way)).

Screw that for a game of monkeys, I'm a social butterfly don'tchaknow. Learn me something else, please!
Alright, you impatient sod. From the Settings page you can also update your Account details (email address, username etc), Password (no explanation needed), Devices (so you can tweet by text), Notices (what emails you receive from Twitter), Picture (small square image that appears next to your tweets) and Connections (users who you've allowed to access your account).

I keep seeing the hash symbol in tweeple's tweets. What's that all about?
It's called a Hashtag. They are explained here: http://hashtags.org/ . To put it bluntly, if you are tweeting something you want to get a wider audience than just your followers. Precede a pertinent word in your tweet, such as in a tweet about shit tennis players at the popular annual tournament, #wimbledon, ie: "That Andy Murray's a Brit when he's winning and a Scot when he's a lanky waste of space #wimbledon". That would get more attention than tweeting exactly the same but hashtagging the word 'when'.

Can I see the most popular hashtags?
Yes. On the right of your homepage is Trending Topics. The list shows the most popular topics, and a lot of them are hashtags.

I heard about Twitter a lot in the recent news coverage following the democratic* election in Iran. What happened?
Due to the 'freedom of speech' Iranians have, the demonstrations were apparently organised a lot using Twitter.

Did Twitter blow up?
Not quite. During times of intense media focus (like the Iranian election and the death of Michael Jackson), websites such as Google, Reuters news agency, BBC etc, as well as Twitter have a lot of extra users (or 'traffic') which puts strain on their servers. This causes them to slow down or crash. That presumably prompts the suits to soil their undergarments and IT monkeys to perform their interpretation of the last minutes of a decapitated chicken.

What other websites are there which might be handy in my tweeting adventures?
Each time you refresh your home page on Twitter, on the right hand side (beneath your name, followers, following and updates) is a white box which links to Twitter-related websites. Here are some as well.
http://wefollow.com/
http://www.twellow.com/
http://beta.twittervision.com/
http://blip.fm/
http://www.twittertitters.com/
http://buzz.trazzler.com/

Wow. I feel like I could waste days on Twitter now! Thanks!
Join the club.

*democratic my arse.

This guide was bought to you by the letters Q, Z and the number twelvety.

Chores

2009-07-14T14:02:00.004+01:00

Yesterday morning I woke up and thought to myself, I shall be mindful. To this end my reaction was to stuff all my bed linen in for a wash. Bear in mind, dear reader, this was about two minutes before I absolutely, positively have to leave for work.

My inner genius strikes again!

This meant that, given a fight between me, the duvet and the duvet cover usually takes about fifteen minutes and invariably ends with me losing badly, sobbing in the corner, I left it until I got home last night to put fresh linen on the bed.

But only after I've made my dinner (lemon and dill sauce is heaven), eaten it, made lunch for today, watched Universally Challenged (stock answer: Dave. And yay, some of the questions were based on Gustav Holst's Planet Suite) and What To Eat Now (Valentine Warner is a naughty public schoolboy and I LOVE him - YUM! WOW!).

Valentine Warner models the latest in country gent fashion - eel cravat!

So in other words nine o'clock rolls around and I have to work up the energy to make my bed something I want to actually sleep on rather than curl up on the sofa watching The Wire* then stay there for the night.

To cut a potentially long story short, I didn't end up inside the duvet cover (hurrah!) and won the fight in about 45 minutes. Go me!

*Bad BBC! Putting such a good show on so late! BAD!

BBC schedulers: Omar Little gon' fuck you up.

Poker

2009-07-12T11:13:00.003+01:00

I went to dinner last night at a friend's house – what was previously going to be a celebration barbeque for the completion of their extension and to celebrate their anniversary and a birthday but the weather put paid to that.

As often happens at gatherings of my circle of friends, a round of poker was in the offering for after-dinner entertainment and as the exact number of people going for dinner was uncertain until I arrived, I was asked to take my poker chips.

I happen to have two sets of chips, courtesy of Argos (for when I hold a poker evening), so I took both. On occasion we've used a LOT of chips in our games.

I should add that I only started playing poker about a year or so ago, and I'm not a confident player. I keep a crib sheet with the ten different poker hands in with the chips. This proves very handy during games, not just for me, but also is a dead giveaway and makes bluffing nigh on impossible.

A game of poker last week. Crib sheet not shown.

However because I own the two sets of chips and have a crib sheet, I had a good deal of problems trying to work out whether to bet or not, because one of my friends there – a few sheets to the wind, I should add – decided that I should know what I was up to, obtained the sheet and started to test me on it though it was still my turn!

Safe to say I was knocked out of the game, but not first which was pleasing. Of ten of us there I came fifth.

I should add this was in part down to me folding a good few times, and towards the end desperately clinging onto the last two chips I had in a pathetic manner until I was forced by the big blind. Curses!

The Right Thing

2009-07-10T21:29:00.006+01:00

I recently started reading Private Eye on a regular basis, after picking up the odd issue here and there over the past six months or so.

And it makes me feel bad.

Not bad in the sense I shouldn't read it, because I should. It's informative, witty and edited by Ian Hislop who is a great sport and mainstay of Have I Got News For You.

Boys and their toys. Bless.

But when I say it makes me feel bad, I mean it makes me feel impotent and highlights just how filled with bureaucracy this country's government is and how nothing ever seems to change given the references the publication will litter its articles with "Eyes passim" & "Eye ad finitum", when a current topic has been covered before, either ten issues or ten years ago.

It makes me want to switch voting habits, but to whom? The recent Telegraph expenses story has demonstrated to me that anyone of the main three parties can't be trusted (not that I did anyway, but I voted for the best of a bad bunch, and I voted because people have died for my right to do so).

At the last local and European elections, I was confronted with a ballot paper with the choice of Labour, Conservative or Lib Dem (I stuck with my usual choice in that case) and a ballot paper longer than my arm. I found myself nearly considering to spoil it, horrified as I was at the amount of BNP-lite candidates given on it. Thinking sensibly I didn't and managed to vote away from my usual choice and away from the other two of the main three parties. I think I felt good about this, but the party in question is not my chosen representative in the EU.

Private Eye also makes me fear for ever being sued or having to have any legal issues. Okay, I'm not an avid viewer of legal programmes, fact or fiction, and the ones which did interest me more dealt with the US legal system – yes, I'm squinting at the malnourished figure of Ally McBeal here.

Ally McBeal in paperweight mode.

What I read in Private Eye are tales of complicated appeals, rulings, injunctions and years of stress for those involved be they corrupt or not. It makes me shudder to even consider a situation where I’d have to go through any kind of legal wrangling.

However there is something which has piqued my interest which is being covered in the magazine. There is a fellow name of Simon Singh (http://www.simonsingh.net/) whose case can be read about here: http://www.senseaboutscience.org.uk/index.php/site/project/333/

Although I failed my science courses at 6th Form, I still find the subject fascinating. Mr Singh's case is important and fascinating. I hope you find it the same way too.

I shall keep reading Private Eye – to keep up with events in the Simon Singh case and to continue to make myself aware of issues which I feel aren't covered in as much detail elsewhere in the media. And to enjoy their macabre humour and sly wit.

Assertiveness

2009-07-09T20:42:00.004+01:00

I attended a course on assertiveness today, in a bid to become a nicer, less argumentative person.

If I fail, I fear I will become the crazy old lady who stands in the street shouting at litter, whom small children fear and teenagers ridicule. I think I’d like to grow old disgracefully, in full charge of all my senses and knowing exactly what I'm up to as I get dragged kicking and screaming from a children's playground by the rozzers.

This is now forming a magnificent picture in my mind. My blotchy, greyscale image adorning the notice boards of local churches, village halls and community centres along with a big red 'WARNING' displayed above it. I want a special code for the filth to use whenever I am reported causing social unrest. A one-woman riot, that's what I'll be!

"Uh, dispatch, this is unit 2504, we have a uh… 10-45 in progress. Again. Over."
"(Aw jeez.) Roger 2504, please state your location. Over."
"Uh, dispatch we are at the Meadow Road park."
(sound of sobbing and screeching over radio)
"Please send immediate back up. Over."
"Roger 2504, armed support approaching at speed."

I should add, I don’t want to become a criminal and locked up. I just want to be old, get away with very bad behaviour and go out with a bang. Who wants to go out with a whimper?

Twitter and the media

2009-07-08T20:57:00.005+01:00

Relaxing (does clutching at one's midriff in fear of seeing one's last meal magically reappear count as relaxing?) yesterday evening I was treated to an advertisement break between segments of Ladette to Lady.

Gillian Harbord

Ten pints of White Lightening later she was seen fast asleep in a rhodedendron bush

One of these ads was for Fanta soft drink and I happened to notice in the animation were one or two little cartoon birds.

That got me thinking, on how BBC Three's idents often feature birds and foliage wrapped around, and landing on, the neon tubes.

Now hold up there: a lot of Twitter's images feature cartoon birds and vine-y, twisting foliage.

"Hi Tweeple!"

Also Twitter's a raging success, in terms of a whole heap of people tweeting about similar subjects resulting in the internet blowing up (I think) when a certain Mr Jackson carked it recently, and news agencies trying to get around the constraints put on them by Iranian authorities.

Iran's Ayatollah Khamenei, yesterday

I don’t have a major point here but want to comment in a roundabout way how design teams for various organisations tap into the zeitgeist by ever so subtly plagiarising aspects of a more successful or popular product / website / whatever and hope some of its kudos will rub off on them.

Sub-post: Fulsome Fanta

When I was looking up images for the above entry, Google kindly gave me this glimpse into the abyss of history.

"‘Fanta’ was originally made from apple fibre and a by-product of cheese"

Fizzy milk? Don’t think I'll be enjoying a refreshing glass of that anytime soon. *retch*
http://www.fanta.co.uk/product.html

Coffee

2009-07-06T19:01:00.004+01:00

My last entry featured coffee, and I want to expand on the subject.

Despite being from this green and pleasant land (mostly English with a smidgen of Welsh tainting my DNA), I abhor tea in all its forms. In the great words of Garfield, "ptooey".

I'd rather drink vending machine-strength coffee (and unfortunately do - work kindly let us have a cornucopia of free drinks) than taste a drop of the contents of Beelzebub's bladder. Two important factors inform my opinion of coffee: caffiene and the strength of coffee.

The subject of caffiene regarding coffee is short and sweet. Decaffienated coffee is an abomination. What's the point of drinking decaf when I feel the main USP of coffee is as a stimulant. You may as well drink water. Yes, I know people like the taste, myself included, but the caffiene content is one part of the main triumvirate of coffee, along with taste and strength.

Decaf is for pansies.

The strength of coffee is uppermost in my mind when considering this ambrosia of beverages, and can be described in four words.

The Stronger The Better.

Going back to where I admitted to drinking vending machine coffee, I need to defend myself. I've never had a coffee from a vending machine, free or not, which hasn't tasted (and in fact, was) was weak as gnat's piss and the same colour too. Ptooey. I like to think I've solved the problem.

First I need to tell you my employers kindly grant us two breaks a day (morning and afternoon) in addition to lunch. One break consists of ten minutes. This gives one 720 glorious seconds with which to do as one pleases, within reason. Get one's nicotine fix (not for me, thanks), answer nature's call* or treat oneself to refreshments, both food and drink. Oh joy!

I've discovered it's quicker to source two servings of vending machine coffee than to wait for the kettle to boil. However this leaves me with the problem of two steaming cups of gnat's piss.

Fear not, dear reader! I have solved this conundrum! Decant the two cups of liquid into one large mug and stuff in a good deal of (company-paid-for) Nescafé instant granules. Stir briskly before returning to one's desk in a manner best described as smug.

However, instant coffee pales in comparison to the joys of fresh coffee.

Sweet nectar of life, to quote a crab from Pixar's output.

To this end, I keep a 2-3 cup Bodum press at work together with a bag of Sainsbury's Finest grade five Costa Rican ground coffee. This is a treat for me, reserved for when I've got my act together of a morning and arrived at the office with plenty of time to spare, with which to bother brewing up a mug of hot heavenly glory.

This is not the end of my waxing lyrical, for there is a couple of extra hurdles to overcome where I work, before the end is in sight. One is milk.

Oh, how I'd love to be able to savour a mug of coffee in all its black goodness, but I feel I am acutely sensitive to the bitter tasting refreshments in life, and as such have to have some dairy in my drink. A splash of semi does the trick, taking the edge off the brew, preventing my face from collapsing in on itself like a fleshy black hole.

But my place of employ is haunted by Milk Monsters. Those colleagues of mine who snaffle all the milk the evening before, as they work into the wee small hours. A curse on thee! A curse!

The solution: Coffee Mate.

Never again will I have to forgo the darling drink again! (Unless my brain plays a trick on me and makes me forget to stock up when I run out. Dang it.)

The other hurdle is sugar. I was born with the sweetest teeth this side of Charlie Bucket and must have sugar in my coffee. There is a sugar jar placed in each small kitchen of the office, and each brims with crystals of Silver Spoon's finest white sugar. However, the aforementioned Milk Monsters like to make merry with the Teaspoon Terrors, those fiends who make off with many of the teaspoons secreted throughout the building. This means the sugar pots get liberally sprinkled with coffee granules over time.

Oh, and you see I wrote white sugar? Not in coffee, dahlink. It's just not the done thing! So nestled with my Coffee Mate, is a tub of glorious brown sugar cubes, adorned with two vanilla pods for a modicum of tantalising extra flavour.

I know how to spoil myself! Dear reader, coffee rules!

*I'm not saying we are banned from conversing with Mother Nature outside of our allocated breaks.

Drinking at work

2009-07-06T13:06:00.004+01:00

Every once in a while, my employers will celebrate some acheivment, such as customers rating us better than our competitors or National Customer Service Week. Today is one such day.

Bucks Fizz is the order of the day (together with bacon rolls for breakfast) but not everyone's fond of champagne cocktails.

Buck's Fizz - not liquid refreshment

Buck's Fizz champagne cocktail.

Alcoholic refreshment for a Monday morning in the office.

I am, despite this being pre-mixed bottled Bucks. Happily, two people who sit on the same desk as me aren't, so I stupidly necked two glasses of Bucks before 10am.

Whoops!

I sorted myself out with a coffee (very helpful), but then I was given a third glass. Which didn't survive very long either.

Whoops!

Happily (?) I survived the day by refusing any more so I was properly sober by 5 o'clock. Despite being offered at least a half-bottle more. (I'd have decanted it into a screw-top bottle had I had one.)

*hic*

Chin chin!

Very Superstitious

2009-07-05T15:51:00.004+01:00

Are you superstitious?

I inadvertantly broke a mirror at home today.

It's a bit blowy round these parts this afternoon, but very warm as well, so in an effort to create a bit of a breeze through the office without wasting power by switching the desk fan on, I've opened the window, the door, the bathroom window and the bathroom door.

When I've done this before, the bathroom mirror (freestanding, on windowsill) has been content to remain in its given spot, even on windier days than today.

Not today.

Today the mirror has it in for me. When my back was turned, it performed (or so I like to think) a double pike off the windowsill before executing a dying swan leap into the sink.

I think I should just forgo any energy-saving techniques for today to get revenge against the universe in an effort to balance out my karma.

"Universe, if you're going to bestow me with seven years' bad luck, I'm
going to warm up Earth for a bit by leaving my TV on standby. HAH!"

Only, I don't believe in superstition*. So my TV is not on standby and I need to buy a new bathroom mirror tomorrow. Unless karma gets me first.

*But I don't walk under ladders. That's just common sense - who wants an arse crack-displaying, overweight painter to present my head with a heavy pot of Dulux?

The real first post

2009-07-05T15:16:00.004+01:00

My sense of proper behaviour dictated to me that I must to an introduction before I write my first entry. That done, here's what would've comprised your introduction to me had I not been thinking.

I've already intimated that the majority of my customers are decent types, polite and understanding of circumstances beyond the control of me or my colleagues (my colleagues and I?). Friday was a different matter.

Time of year dictates several people are off holidaying to far off places, like the Bahamas, Goa and Skegness

The Bahamas

Skegness - where would you rather be?

Which means we were busy anyway. The last thing I needed was a delightful lady in Dublin to call me, comment feistily as to the whereabouts of her order, call me back before I could get an answer from the couriers, call me back a second time to complain further then slam me on hold before I could finish the sentence I had at the time, and put her even more delightful store manager on the line to reiterate all her colleague had just ranted at me during the previous two conversations.

First. There is a general standard lead time for deliveries to ROI and this store is a regular, and knew it. Second, I hadn't called the store back because I was waiting to hear what the couriers had to say. No point me calling a customer when I have nothing to tell them, and I never said how long I'd be before I called back, because I didn't know, but I knew it'd be that day

(The second call the customer made, got through to one of my colleagues, complaining I hadn't bothered to call them back in a time which was never specified

Their third call got through to yet another collegue of mine and the sum of the conversation was me telling her what I already had - this being a Friday a proof of delivery could not be obtained until after the courier returned to their depot, which was after our offices shut, and the store shut, thus meaning details of the delivery could not be given to the store until Monday (tomorrow - and I'm so looking forward to work tomorrow).

The store manager then got on the line to complain loudly and at length about the (in her eyes, apparent) delay in delivery - the order was placed on Wednesday! Tomorrow is still within the expected lead time! Before going on to shout at me for not bothering to return the store's calls - uh, hold on one moment there, lady! I didn't call back the first time because I didn't have any information, and when I did speak to your dumbass colleague, I gave her all the information I had.

I didn't call back a second time because as far as I was concerned, case closed until Monday!

Reader, the third time I spoke to the original caller, I told her the exact same details as I had during the call before, because if I didn't, I'd either say nothing, or make up a load of lies. As a customer, which would you rather?

Introduction

2009-07-05T14:49:00.005+01:00

Let's get the boring stuff out of the way. Welcome!

I aim to make this somewhere I can describe my life, dull as it may be, and see if I can't work it up into something interesting.

I've been inspired by blogs I've been following, vaguely (over the last couple of years, such as PostSecret) and more recently and attentively (having recently got my arse into gear and downloaded FeedDemon so I can easily (easier?) keep up with sites I like). You know, what an RSS feed is for.

No way am I expecting this to be an instant hit, or even a mild success at all. I ramble far too much.

But I do have a small hope I can write interesting pieces about my life, which as the title would suggest, involves my family, socialising and work.

I'm the youngest of three offspring, and my parents are still married after over 35 years. I'm an aunt to a teenage nephew and two twin baby nieces courtesy of my brother and sister respectively. I myself am single, happy this way and I've no desire for children of my own. I'm too selfish a person and I get easily irritated if things don't go as planned, and I'd be a horrid, bossy mother.

I don't make friends easily, but I have a small circle of regular friends who I see often, and some of whom I've known since I was a child. I'm one of those sorts who, when I make a friend, it's for a long time. Low confidence means it takes a good while for me to consider someone a friend.

I didn't do well academically when I was at 6th form college but it gave me more confidence after I finished senior school. I fell into doing administration and proved adept at it. I helped run a repair workshop before moving on after five years to run a sales and marketing office for 18 months.

I've now been working in customer services for four years which I never thought I'd love as much as I do. I place orders primarily, but also deal with a wide range of customer problems and issues. Whenever I describe how I feel about work, there's one area which makes all the problematic customers (and there's not as many as you'd think): I get to talk on the telephone all day long!